Ok, so this script has potential. But this first draft is nowhere near good. I recommend you read up on screenwriting and regular creative writing to get a sense of how stories work because this is not it. Also, I noticed that you categorized this under "television", if this is a pilot, you've really told the entire story in this one episode. There's not really anywhere to go with the characters. In conclusion, work hard on improving this script, it could be good, and don't feel discouraged by this review, one thing to remember about first drafts: they're always bad. They aren't about getting the script perfect, just about getting it written. So take as much criticism as you can and turn this script into something better.

Good read. Very unusual concept but it was certainly interesting. I think if you focus more on the characters and the ending, it could be really good. But in conclusion, it's a pretty interesting and good script and I look forward to your future work.

Overall, I think this has some promising potential. For improvement on dialogue and character growth, I strongly recommend you watch 'Before Sunrise' by Richard Linklater, the entire movie takes place in one night and we see more than enough character growth, natural dialogue and relationship development between the lead characters. But other than that, it's a good script. Again, I think it would work best as a feature than a short. I look forward to seeing your future projects!