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Winner Draft #1
Summary
7 Reviews |
60 pages |
3 years ago
|
Draft 1
Heath is an old man living in a small town in Western Australia. After the death of his wife, he goes on a road trip across the outback to a small spring where he and his wife went years ago, to disperse her cremated ashes. On the road, he comes across a young hitchhiking couple, Brian and Olivia, to whom he gives a ride. They stop at a petrol station where the couple proceeds to rob it.
After questioning them, Heath finds out that Olivia is terminally ill, and they are robbing places to gather enough money to leave the country and spend the rest of their time together. Heath at first kicks them out but changes his mind as he feels sympathy for them. They spend the night at camp where they tell each other about themselves.
The next day, Heath stops at a petrol station, letting the couple rob it. But they don't come out, and he goes inside and finds them held up at gunpoint by the store owner. Heath tries to help and ends up killing the man in self-defence. They leave and Heath contemplates what he just did. That night, they camp again and Heath convinces them to stop robbing places.
The next day, Heath drops them off in town. After driving off, he passes a bank where he used to work. He gets an idea. He finds the couple and tells them a plan to rob the bank, and they can finally get away and spend their time together. They go to a motel where they plan. Heath and Olivia bond a little bit.
The next day, they rob the bank. It's successful. They are able to drive to the spring, but before Heath can disperse his wife's ashes, the police catch up to them and they are arrested. When at the police station, they hold up one of the guards at gunpoint and escape. They make it back to the spring, Brian and Olivia depart under the instructions of Heath. Heath spreads the ashes. The police catch up again, where they shoot Heath dead.
After questioning them, Heath finds out that Olivia is terminally ill, and they are robbing places to gather enough money to leave the country and spend the rest of their time together. Heath at first kicks them out but changes his mind as he feels sympathy for them. They spend the night at camp where they tell each other about themselves.
The next day, Heath stops at a petrol station, letting the couple rob it. But they don't come out, and he goes inside and finds them held up at gunpoint by the store owner. Heath tries to help and ends up killing the man in self-defence. They leave and Heath contemplates what he just did. That night, they camp again and Heath convinces them to stop robbing places.
The next day, Heath drops them off in town. After driving off, he passes a bank where he used to work. He gets an idea. He finds the couple and tells them a plan to rob the bank, and they can finally get away and spend their time together. They go to a motel where they plan. Heath and Olivia bond a little bit.
The next day, they rob the bank. It's successful. They are able to drive to the spring, but before Heath can disperse his wife's ashes, the police catch up to them and they are arrested. When at the police station, they hold up one of the guards at gunpoint and escape. They make it back to the spring, Brian and Olivia depart under the instructions of Heath. Heath spreads the ashes. The police catch up again, where they shoot Heath dead.
Industry Reviews
The current script has a good premise and a decent story which is executed very well on the page. But it does essentially need more. More plot, more character and more stroy. The way to achieve that is to deepen the characters by giving them more of a backstory and examining the internal arcs.
Top Reviewer
Peer Reviews
It was an overall good read. It seems to be going in the right direction. It gets off to a little bit of a slow start, but picks up a little bit later. This to me is a very character driven story, more than a crime one, (even though crimes are taking place). Maybe trying to tie the crimes themselves more into Brian and Olivia in a backstory. The story centers around Heath, who lost his wife, Sally. Try using a flashback or story dialogue to, "bri...
Top Reviewer
I thought this was a decent first draft of "The Very Thought of You." It was well structured and it had good character arcs for Heath and Sally. I would mainly recommend just making the story stronger so that it can have a better pace as well. Good luck!
Top Reviewer
I really think you have a cool idea for a feature length screenplay about a man who has to deliver his wife's ashes across the country, and along the way gets wrapped up in bank robbing, car jacking, bar fights, etc. on his way to catharsis and healing. Watch the great road trip movies and see how they executed their story. I don't mine Heath dying in the end, if he wants to be with his wife, but make it in a way that helps him heal. Look at Gran...
Top Reviewer
Great writer! I highly recommend the writer! The story is depressing but it was interesting and a good read. I especially loved how the story is told. The structure and details are exceptional!
Good premise. Characters not well defined. Dialogue not revealing of character and doesn't move plot ahead. Bring your characters to life by having them say things that illuminate rather than describe. Have characters act out their emotions rather than merely tell us what they are. The audience should be able to discern the characters' motivations naturally as things progress on screen, not by hearing each character verbally spell out their...
Top Reviewer
