ScriptMother is an innovative new platform for screenwriters. Our peer-review app lets you receive unlimited professional feedback for your script. Earn credits by reviewing projects uploaded by your peers. Credits can be spent on better reviews, monthly competitions, and industry exposure for you and your script. And it's FREE to join!
iAmBenny just claimed a review for a feature script. 12 hours ago
SanDane just claimed a review for a feature script. 13 hours ago
- Is the Concept strong/original? The story was original and had an interesting ending (although I don't think it worked for the actual script). I don't feel it actually fit the genre of romantic comedy, but it has the potential to take advantage of some opportunities. With some more detailed character development, it could either be a stronger rom-com or with a few changes in the story it could be a cool buddy comedy. - Does the logline/first ten pages draw the reader? The logline works, but the first few pages don't set anything up besides their circumstance, not the underlying romance. - Are scenes well-written? There are some lapses in continuity but nothing too confusing. The scenes are well thought out but again, don't give too much context to the ultimate payoff in the final scene. - Is the protagonist/antagonist compelling enough? I have to assume that Olivia is the protagonist since she is the one who ultimately learns the lesson in the end, but I actually felt more compelled to know what would happen to Kirk. - Does the character drive the story? Without the closing scene, I'd have to say no, but the payoff makes the rest of the character development make sense (I feel like the payoff wasn't warranted for the character dynamics). - Does the dialogue drive the story/character? The dialogue is fitting -- there were some attempts to drive some of the comedy within the dialogue, but it felt like a reach at times. - Is the conflict real/genuine? The conflict (at least the one that pays off in the end) isn't introduced until page 21 of the 24 page short. It's not until this moment that anything makes sense of this being a romantic comedy. It could've been introduced a bit more seamless and definitely needed to be introduced earlier in the story. - Pacing The pacing is fair, but there are points where things just seem to be done for the sake of exposition instead of driving the story forward. - Does the Climax/Resolution satisfy the reader? Not really. I honestly thought it was going to end with them actually never have been on any of the adventures and just have been mental patients in the asylum the last scene was set in. The twist was a surprise but not much of a payoff since they didn't have much romantic tension besides the jealousy of Kirk and no sexual tension at all -- essentially I didn't care that they fell in love. - Does the script read well? It was an easy read but there were plenty of structural/formatting errors and several typos. It didn't affect the story much, so it was easily followed but didn't read all that well from a technical perspective.
I don't want to rate the script but this site forces me to do it. This is not a script for me and I usually hate to give ratings to such stuff because I know it's not for me. I actually wanted to give higher ratings overall but the pace just drags it all down for me. The story is here but I wanted it to maybe take up 40-50 pages. I promised the writer to read this script until I didn't have much more to say about the concept or felt like I was reading the same concepts and ideas over and over again and already kinda got how the script was structured. I feel that it's maybe more aimed at the psychologist who sees clients? I think the writer thought I was some guy who had clinical patiens and a clinic and therefore asked for feedback from me. But I am not. I'm the science kind of psychologist who understands human beings but am not really focused on only the clinical aspects of human lives. Even so I can say a few things about this script from my extremely nerdy psychology perspective. Firstly, I actually like the writing and word use. It's very high level and I was often very impressed by some of the slang. I want to steal some of this style. It's nice to see realistic dialogue here in the slang scenes. The writing was also were clear which is another great thing! That's also pretty rare and a skill that can come to very good use. Such a skill with the right story and structure is just worth a lot. So in that aspect the writer already got it made and is either already a professional in some writing aspect or close to that. Now, the writing being clear was one thing but I still felt like I was zoning out and not fully focused on the pages here because the presentation was too text heavy. If it was my script I would cut the dialogue down to 50% of the current word use. Or maybe even cut even more of the words. People in real life and especially in movies use words to convey a clear emotion but in this script they talked about ideas and not emotions or problems as such. Which to me is not the most interesting way to present a story. Characters here very often had their own monologues. Even side characters were monologing by using over 4 lines in a dialogue. At the end I tend to zone out in these moments which is a shame because the concept and idea was good enough. It's just that it felt like a heavy novel written by an old philosopher at times. The arguments and ideas were very simple but presented in an extremely text heavy way. Reminds me of Network (1976 film). I know a lot of people love that movie! But unfortunately I really disliked it. Not to say that I dislike the current script as much it's just not really the kind of movie I love. So therefore the heavy page count demotivate me a bit here. I would actually really like to know what Network fans would say about this script? I bet you they would "get it" much more than I did. If it was to be a movie for action focused people like me it would have short dialogue. Like in the Get Out script. A lot of grand ideas but presented fast and super effective. And I would also have liked shorter scenes and faster plot progression. I already say in my notes that I would have liked the plot on page 55 to occur on page 20-something as it usually does. Here I felt like the very monologue like discussions stretched out scenes or even replaced plot. I didn't really feel like the character scenes after the school really told me anything new or exciting I wanted to know. Instead I felt like they kinda ignored the plot and stopped it or just repeated all the points I already knew. I started to really dislike the house because at the school the scenes had so much more action and emotion to them. At the school there were a lot of problem solving and some great flirting scenes and new interactions. Stuff I love in movies. Unfortunately I didn't finish the script but when I lose the plot focus I tend to not really create any new opinions at all about the scripts. So it would not really be useful for me to read much more. It would not have added anything to the review itself. At the end I actually kinda started to ask a few questions about some problems that were slowly started to appear but I was already a bit tired at that point from reading so much dialogue and long scene Introductions. And I also noticed that the pace stayed the same. The monologing stuff still was the main dialogue structure so I felt like it would be too much work to uncover the plot. I would like to know how this movie would look like in the final version and how the pace would feel like but the theme does not really fascinate me personally so I would not seek it out myself. I do love A Beautiful Mind but the pace in that movie was ultra fast compared to this movie. I was not the right reader for this theme and concept but I'm just giving my outsider opinion here and explaining what I as an outsider would expect from any script I am to like and really enjoy. The writer clearly has more than enough talent to make it as a writer in some field. That is painfully obvious. But unfortunately the writing level and slang use didn't fascinate me enough to accept the alternative or creative type of storytelling that felt slow. This story was too slow for me and the theme didn't interest me. But I think this writer for sure also can write something I would enjoy unless he only can write this type of genre. I will always be calling for these much, much faster Get Out or A Beautiful Mind type of movies that are super fun to watch but still intellectual. They have a problem to solve in every scene too which I really like. But that's just not what every script is. By the way, in the Get Out script every scene has a new human element to it too. So that it would either be the protagonist talking about his smoking habit with the mom = problem. Or him talking about being too forceful with the sister to the brother = problem. Or him talking about politics with the dad = cultural problem. So these social events and activities always appeared and always added to the plot. I really like this in a script... hint, hint. But anyhow, I'm not forcing anyone to write movies for me only.
In your summary you state movies glorify cancer. I understand your thinking but we go to see movies not only to entertain but also to inspire us. A drama about cancer is already tough to watch. So an audience wants something to believe in. Especially those of us who have gone through cancer or with loved ones: why would we want to see that again? I sat on this review for a whole week because I struggled with: is this a movie a producer would want to make? Because it is a comprehensive look into a family’s life and you did a good job laying out the struggles. I want to respect the intention of your story (gleaned from your summary/pitch) so if we look pass the entertainment value of this drama, let’s just fix some of the plot and then it will deliver what you wanted it to be: the reality of cancer is devastating to a family. This family, especially the parents, don’t know what they are about. It is a pedestrian script that reveals the hopelessness of their lives. The teenagers sense it but hope there is more than what they see now with their parents and their own struggles for identity and joy. That just might be your intent: a snapshot in the week of a family who will be devastated by cancer with no resolution in this movie. I am speculating about your intentions because the story arc is not fulfilling. You have done a good job giving a portrayal of a family struggling with divorce and cancer. But we all want some good to come of it (a philosophy gained, etc), otherwise why would we want to watch a movie about real life? All the dialogue in the first quarter of the script is acerbic. The family has sharp minds. Is it entertaining? Wood Allen films are verbose and witty with dry humor and often sharp social commentary. Quentin Tarantino films have verbose scenes of exposition to share a philosophy and prepare the audience to see that philosophy shape the action in the film. Do your characters come out of this experience stronger or wiser? It is not portrayed so. Again, maybe you want this to be a realistic movie. But consider this: The opening and ending scenes at the graveyard. So Mia dies at 37 anyway even after the surgery? But she gets a philosophy to live life regardless of death approaching (at the end of the script)? What she says on pg1 seems to not match her mastectomy action. She does know, and takes measures her mother didn’t. And her holding a baby while saying children were not an option is confusing. Because… pg 69 Jenny tells Mia she saved her life having her. So it seems you were trying to give the audience something, but it’s confusing. Maybe that is your intent, just like navigating cancer. But you set up a lot of stuff the audience has been following along and now there isn’t any conclusion other than Jenny’s surprise suicide and Mia having preemptive surgery. I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer but my parents have had it. Even what they have gone through they were still parents and worried about their kids’ present and the future when they were gone. So it is surprising when Jenny doesn’t see Richie and leaves versus searches for him. If it is because she is a drug addict and a little doped up, then that needs to play out more in the whole script, otherwise it’s counter to what most mother’s would do – especially since her daughter is in surgery. Your teenage dialogue is very well done. I hear their age and confusion when they speak and act. The dialogue between the parents, and the new wife scenes are well done. Only you know how you want the audience to feel at the end as there is no climax, just another event (surgery and suicide). There is no transference of hope/life with the baby being born at the same time. So the following comments and suggestions are for your consideration.