I'd like to first say that your script was okay. It was interesting that you decided to write about what's going on in the world and mix it with the "old people don't know technology" cliche. One thing thought, if this is going to be a timeless short screenplay which you probably want, maybe the news reporter can slip in a line about what's happening. We know of course and thanks to your logline, but people in twenty years won't. Another thing, how did the laptop get there? Who dropped it off? But 10/10 on that end twist, I did not see that coming! Robert and her were divorced the whole time and it was the dog sighing! Mary also seems like quite a cool grandma, the "remember how you used to stuff your bra with dad's socks?" right in front of the neighbour friend. Classic. But why was Ciara so secretive about her talking with her grandmother. If Anna and Mary were estranged, I would get it, but they seemed fine. Another thing, maybe make Thomas a little older. The line "he's hot" coming from Mary and then finding out Thomas is only 18 feels a little weird. But good story. Short and sweet

I can see you were trying to do a medical drama short here. You had a decent concept but I think it would use some tweaking. But first, I'd like to say that your structure was overall pretty good. I'm not a doctor so I wouldn't know how a lot of the hospital stuff is working but you seem to know very well. I think the dialogue could use some work though. Shorten up the sentences and maybe look into implying subtext in it. There's several YouTube videos on that stuff. Now I found the story a little all over the place. So the president being in the hospital is a major deal (But how is he in the hospital if he's on the news live?) but we don't really deal with it for a lot of the time and instead focus on Samir. Now I think we're supposed to get the impression that they don't like the president because he isn't doing a whole lot for the country. But at the end it seems like a race to save the president. My alternate proposal (and this is just a thought): Most of the story works the same. Sahar talks to Samir a lot and hears about his shitty life. But at the end after he dies, Sahar overdoeses the president and he dies. I know, it's a hot take but think of it what you can. It's just a thought. In the end, it's your story. But I hope this review finds you well

I enjoyed this story and it was an easy read, obviously you have skills. I didn't realize it was a TV pilot until after I finished it, I thought it was a short. Either way I like the imagery of it being in purgatory and the mythical beings including your descriptions because I am a fan of all things sci fi and fantasy, period. I don't know about the long haul on the TV series idea because it seems you have set it up for most go to hell from that point and I am not sure how long that would hold my attention, sad stories all going to hell. But hey I don't know your long term vision and as said I like the story you wrote. The character Levi is a sad demon it seems longing for love and longing for a better win rate that seems impossible given the story I read and he has to continuously bear that and has become suicidal over it all. Maybe the way to resolve that doomed fate vision is to add a case he miraculously wins after the one he loses? Just a thought on that idea but I think without doing that the whole long haul is relentlessly sad and depressing for a TV series. That's what I am left with after reading what has been written thus far. I liked Hannah, Nova and the prosecutors you described and overall I had zero issues with your writing. It is creatively written with all the descriptions so the reader has the total vision without anything necessary being left out. I watched this movie by reading your script so I think you nailed that part. You also have all the rules of script writing down that is obvious and cheers to you for that as well. This might make a good feature if you can write it out giving Levi something big as his next case that as said, in the end, he may or may not get the win. Once again, just a thought on it. Good luck and write on...