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The writing and flow of the story is good. Some areas where I think the story can improve is in the build up to the twist at the ending. Although the twist in surprising, it seems like an ending that was chosen merely to shock the reader without consideration to the continuity with the rest of the story. For instance: how does the viewer resolve in his mind what the boy was seeing outside his window? Was it a reflection of himself? Was it a memory? Or did he see a beast other than himself? The conclusion to the story doesn't answer the questions the viewer asks during the course of the story, and wants answered by the end. Another continuity issue is in the way the daughter saw things play out when she was on the pier with her brother. Who's eyes did she see in the photo if they weren't her brothers? And what was she hearing moving around in the woods if it wasn't her brother? It also seems strange that a timid boy who doesn't show any trace of malice throughout the course of the story suddenly becomes a blood-thirsty monster. If you answer these questions I believe it will help bring a feeling of resolution to the ending, and more satisfaction for the viewer. A way to make the story more engaging could be to make one of the characters the focal point of the story. The POV seems to jump around evenly from character to character, so it's difficult for the viewer to identify with a single person. You can try telling the story primarily from a single character's perspective. The boy seems to be the ideal choice. The focal point of the story seems to be on the daughter crying wolf, and stressing what a brat she is. But I feel like this should be a side note of the story. The highest point of tension/interest in the story seems to me whether or not this young boy can learn to resolve what's real and not real despite mixed signals. Is he hallucinating things because his sister is scaring him into seeing things or is he really seeing a monster out there despite his mother telling him it's his mind playing tricks? Does he trust his own recollection of events but in doing so give in to his sister's scare tactics or does he doubt his own awareness only to appease his fright and retaliate against his sister? If you can build up this conflict that the boy is struggling with within himself, I believe it will add to the excitement and suspense of the story.
Consider this... This script is really good for the advert. Maybe for a lotion company or a body spray company or something. In the foyer scene, you said she took off her clothes. Then in the bathroom scene, you said she strips. Is she getting naked twice? How? I think you should drop a hint of what those two are about to do. Maybe his hand goes up to her dress just before the door closes. In general, the script needs some more elaborating. I get it. As writers, we know what we want to show. But we must find ways to make others understand us in an entertaining way. This script has a lot of mystery. It could be that a girl prepares for a night of sex. It could also be that a girl prepares to lose her virginity. It could also be that a girl prepares for a night of BDSM. Or it could be something else entirely. All I'm saying is make it clear what it is.
The concept seems like it could be fleshed out to a cool idea but it's a bit hard to have a just opinion about a tv script since I'm blindly reading the pilot without a series bible to scroll through, so I have questions that I imagine would be answered the further into the story you progress. I have to ask why the logline you gave centers on Charlie when the pilot is centered (or at least is more compellingly based) around Francis. I didn't ultimately care as much about her as I did him -- his character development was more fleshed out and just overall more interesting than hers. The scenes are well written and well paced. The dialogue felt a bit bland at times, and the character of Brian just felt like he was unnecessary and just there to be some comedic relief. Because there weren't any indicators of time, it was a bit hard to in the beginning to distinguish between past, present, and future. Although ultimately entertaining, I have to say that things were confusing trying to piece it together. The cliffhanger was great and left me wanting more.