New Arrivals: Waiting For Feedback
4 months ago | 1 Reviews | 114 Pages
3 months ago | 5 Reviews | 25 Pages
2 weeks ago | 2 Reviews | 16 Pages
The concept is very original which is a breath of fresh air and the story was okay, although the narrative was left to interpretation and not actually taken off the page. Some of my written summary was improvised in order to make sense of the story which might not be the interpretation of the writer. There were a lot of elements left to question that doesn't really sit well, for example, why were the children left to fend for themselves after their mother was killed? The narrative completely abandoned them, the oldest child is eight years old, and I don't think they would make it in this run down world on their own. What happened to the other 2 partners that were selected for this mission? The narrative abandoned them too. If Boyd's tech could easily find Ivanovitch DNA signature, why send Kane and Kip to apprehend him? Wouldn't Johnson just send someone more loyal to the cause? Why didn't the Special Unit just take everyone in at the time when they took Kip? Because at that moment none of them, but Boyd, knew of Johnson's true plans, so why would they refuse to give Ivanovitch up when it is there job to bring him in? Why does Ivanovitch have the key? Who is this man? I found myself asking questions like this throughout the entire story. When it comes to structure, I have to assume that the story wasn't outlined because structurally the story wasn't hitting the beats properly, if at all. It was very wishy washy because nothing was happening at crucial signposts of a screenplay, which usually introduces a new dilemma for the protagonist. A dilemma is where a person has a choice between two or more circumstances where the consequences are equal. Damned if you do, damned if you don't type of choices. This story lacked in that department. Also, I got lost in the logistics from time to time, not knowing when the story is on Earth and when on the Moon. Aside from Johnson, all characters can across as passive because I didn't know what they wanted so it made it difficult for me to root for them. It felt like they got on a rollercoast ride, went through the loops and turns, then got off the rollercoast feeling no different; simply because they had no reason to go on the rollercoater in the first place. Also is Kane's name an alias? There's a biblical reference to his name as a Cain and Abel. Thing is, all people are born innocent to the world so I find it hard to believe that his parents name their child after these people, predicting that he would grow up and become a man in conflict with himself. Doesn't make sense to me. Finally dialogue. It lacks subtext from start to finish. The character were just saying what they were thinking and every exchange in conversation came across as unnatural. There's a lot of formatting issues, I don't know what software you use but I would recommend final draft if you can afford the licence or FadeIn which you can write your screenplay for free, only costs when you want to publish out from the software. I know this comes across as extremely objective but I'm sure that's why you've put this story up for review.