Raise your script the write way.

So with this feedback, the writer should improve on this story in three ways: 1. Add real setups to your story beats for effective payoffs. 2. Make us care about your characters, don't expect us to latch onto them immediately. 3. Dialogue. Something else I'd also suggest, is try making this a longer episode instead, like 60 pgs. Then we can spend more time with the characters, getting to connect, and understand, then we can get the setups to your story beats, and good payoffs. I hope this helped...

Overall, this wasn't a bad script. It just needs more work on making a stronger story and better pacing/structuring so that the story can be an easier read. Good luck!

Overall, the concept is marketable today. When the characterization is enhanced, the audience will become invested in the characters. Striking more balance between action and dialogue will improve the pacing.