by Cyle Brooks
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I ran out of time to do a full read of the script. Try adding more time for reviews. 1) You dialog is unrealistic. I do not read scripts, I put them in a text to speech program and listen to the script. You need to do the same. Close you eyes and hear the voices. Do they sound different? Is everyone using the same words? Are you putting in exposition instead of dialog? 2) You have people going into someone back yard and trying to start a riot? 3) You have military men shooting pistols into the air. Never going to happen. Not unless you like to lose your pistol permit and spend time in jail. Like 5 year or so 4) You take a very long time to cover the a point and you replete it over and over. So Charlie has pdst. Three pages later all his friends should know.. Is the Concept strong/original? No. People in pain is a common theme, How is you script different? Are scenes well-written? No really. There are errors that stop the reader and you use very little to describe what the scene is. "The kitchen." Not good. "The kitchen with a center island that has a coffee maker on it. The cord is tape to the floor so no one trips over it." Pacing? Slow, very slow. Is your script the worst I have ever read. Unfortunately no. You need to go back over the dialog and start stripping it down to shorter sentences. When writing action line, try to combine them. I gave you a few examples in the notes.
The main issue is not your characters or the concept, but the way you tell your story. As of now, the audience doesn't feel any suspense or thrills. It's merely just listening to a bunch of characters talk about their situations and move on to the next scene. This is not uncommon, though, because first drafts are always very primitive and in need of direction. i would recommend reading a screenwriting book that focuses on storytelling. Also, find 3 movies or tv shows that are inspirational to your script, and re-watch them, but pay attention to the differences in how their stories are told. How do those movies "show" rather than "tell". That is what you need to do for this script.
Great draft with small areas for refinement. More detail, clarity, and nuance with the character's will offer the smidge more drive needed! There are several, smaller, moments that I breezed through and didn't find enticing enough to dwell in (including the aforementioned moment on the phone with Olivia, and the entrance to the mountain). The pacing of the script weaves the stylicitic qualities of Pokémon, while being original and committed to the characters and world developed here.
Overall, a very entertaining and thrilling read. The setup is very heartwarming, and you give the audience a reason to see Jeanie's story through to the end. I would definitely rework the angle you're taking with the massive twist at the end. The context and reasoning behind Danny's betrayal needs to be worth the shocking reveal. The climax is well written and very action packed, but it needs something more behind it.