This was a very solid effort. It has all the elements of an entertaining, albeit disturbing, slasher film. You know the genre very well-- this has all the tropes. A masked killer who kills in interesting ways. A devious system surrounding the killings in the form of the online chain letter. Young people wanting to party while their parents are out. The hints of sexual tension etc. So well done on all of that.
The format is also extremely clean. It's a very clear, clean read-- which can be unusual on this site.
The murder sequences are very well written. You have a great grasp of the visual and the visceral. The murders were suitably gross and grotesque. I was disturbed by both of them, which is just the reaction you want in the reader/viewer. I was confused as to what a wench machine was, though. Is that a winch machine? Either way, you probably should explain/describe it just a tad more. In any case, the horror was horrific. So good job.
You also have a nice facility with the world of the young people in the script. The way they talk, what they do. How they interact, especially online and over phones etc. So this is a great, classic set up.
My main issue with this is it feels very much like we've seen it before. I think for a movie like this to "work" these days, it has to show something different. This is calling back to Friday the 13th, Halloween etc. But we've seen the, In fact we've seen them and copycats of them many, many times. The reason that movies like Hostel and the Saw franchise worked is that there were twists. Different takes. So you need to show us something new. The chain letter twist is a good one and I like how it's revealed. But we need to see something more interesting about the killer in the first 10-15pps (which is all you've given here). This needs to stand out for more than good writing. So think about that.
I feel the same about the young people that populate the rest of the piece. We've seen them before, so make them a bit more unique. That especially goes for your main character. I feel she's a bit thin (I am assuming Jennifer is your main character). Let's give her some quirks, some thing that make us like or hate her a bit more. I'd go for like so that when she ends up in peril, we'll really feel for her.
I also think your dialogue is very on the nose. People are saying what they think, have done or will do. You need to really up the subtext and move away from exchanges that are commonplace. In the cop sequences, it becomes really evident that they're just saying things to provide information in sort of a bald way ending with an "I'm gonna get this guy" sort of thing that just seems way too on the nose.
You have such a solid base here, that on your next rewrite, just take it to the next level by thinking about wild, unusual twists you can give it. Do a bunch of what if? Make the characters speak and play against type. If you can do some of that, I'd love to read the whole thing.
