I'm a unique mature scribe who has countless exploits trekking the USA. My ability to write is phenomenal... OK. Enough of the BS. I couldn't write my way out of a paper bag. So why read my script? It is different. Dale
I ran out of time to do a full read of the script. Try adding more time for reviews. 1) You dialog is unrealistic. I do not read scripts, I put them in a text to speech program and listen to the script. You need to do the same. Close you eyes and hear the voices. Do they sound different? Is everyone using the same words? Are you putting in exposition instead of dialog? 2) You have people going into someone back yard and trying to start a riot? 3) You have military men shooting pistols into the air. Never going to happen. Not unless you like to lose your pistol permit and spend time in jail. Like 5 year or so 4) You take a very long time to cover the a point and you replete it over and over. So Charlie has pdst. Three pages later all his friends should know.. Is the Concept strong/original? No. People in pain is a common theme, How is you script different? Are scenes well-written? No really. There are errors that stop the reader and you use very little to describe what the scene is. "The kitchen." Not good. "The kitchen with a center island that has a coffee maker on it. The cord is tape to the floor so no one trips over it." Pacing? Slow, very slow. Is your script the worst I have ever read. Unfortunately no. You need to go back over the dialog and start stripping it down to shorter sentences. When writing action line, try to combine them. I gave you a few examples in the notes.
A very slow start. The first pages could be compressed into two or three. I only begin to like the story when we visit the girlfriends parents. Most everything before that was kind of slow. . You get a low score for having the two major errors. Is the Concept strong/original? sort of. I can not think of a story like this one off the top of my head. Hollywood doesn't make this kid of move. Does the logline/first ten pages draw the reader? The logline is fine. if it has the end twist then why read the script? Are scenes well-written? The first few scenes are not that well-written. It only until about halfway they improve. Is the protagonist/antagonist compelling enough? The protagonist is Paul is flushed out. And the antagonist is his feeling about life. I'm beating a dead horse, but the beginning is so slow. Does the dialogue drive the story/character? Yes, there are a few point where the dialogue is unrealistic compared to how people speak. I pointed most of it out in the script notes. Is the conflict real/genuine? Sort of, I think some of it is over blown and other parts are undeveloped. My felling about the script. Does the Climax/Resolution satisfy the reader? Yes, Does the script read well? No. See Additional Notes.
After being thrust into the strict Air Guild community, a timid girl must adapt and learn quickly to earn her Flyer status. ( Reviewers, be nitpicky. I want the best script, my feeling be dammed.)