I'm going to put the gist of my notes in this section, I have it separated into parts I thought were good, and parts that could use a bit more work and refinement. Please don't take offense to anything I say, I simply want to help make your story as awesome as possible. I like the concept and I like the two main characters of Chadwick and Jane. If you strengthen everything around these core pillars the story will only improve. What I Liked: -I like how you introduce Chadwick. We see his accommodations first and foremost, and then we see this distraught and unkempt appearance. Nice contrast. -I definitely sympathize with Chadwick and his plight. You've clearly laid out his struggle and I want to see him succeed and provide for his struggling family. -Chadwick and Jane's relationship is my favorite part of this story. They're both imperfect, they're both unhappy, but each wants to make this relationship work. Chadwick is especially concerned with making enough money to take care of his family and that's what drives him to do what he does. Similarly, Jane struggles with guilt over the fact that she's not able to do anything to help her husband. They're both good people. -You do a good job showing how Chadwick is struggling with his inner demons. I like especially how he keeps returning in his mind to the fight he had as a teenager where he accidentally killed his opponent. -It was very touching to see how excited Chadwick was to have an interview at what most people would view as a very hard and thankless job. Highlights once again how much he cares for his wife and the desire to support his family. What Needs Work: -There are quite a few minor spelling errors in your story. I'm not sure if English is your first language or not, but I'd recommend having a native speaker look over your script. These aren't big problems, but continuous tiny errors distract the reader. Thankfully it's a simple fix. -As I read further into the story, the spelling errors are actually getting worse and worse. Please take the time to try and correct this. A clean and easy-to-understand script is more likely to be sold. -We're told that Chadwick works at a cement company and that the neighborhood he and his wife live in is dangerous. Show us that. Does Jane hear gunshots outside while waiting for her husband? Punch up the squalor of the home they live in. Let us know why this is such a horrible location for the couple to live in. -Pg. 9. The ending of Chad's scene with Jane is very abrupt. They're mid-conversation and suddenly we cut to the market. Ask yourself, what did this scene add to the story? What did it tell us about Chad or Jane, how did it further their relationship? -It might be better if you cut the bedroom scene, and transition to the market after Chad leaves the dinner table and heads to bed. -Pg. 15. Why would Chadwick need to explain to his wife where he received his tattoos? To be blunt, they're married, so she should already be well aware of how his back looks. -Pg. 17. When Chadwick woke up and was late for his job interview, I was expecting some sort of action scene where he had to make a mad dash to make it on time. Instead, you point out that it's rush hour, but he simply walks to the interview. I feel like this is an opportunity to inject some fun action scenes into the story and further highlight Chadwick's physical abilities. This script needs a lot of work, but you definitely seem like you have the chops and skills to get the work done. Best of luck with your story, I hope you continue shaping and molding it into something amazing.
I enjoyed your story. I've read some of your SVF work before, and I think the writing and dialogue have been tightened up significantly. One thing that really stuck out to me was SVF being willing to kill Zombiathan, but left VIctor and Ice Reaper alive despite them killing dozens of people. That seemed a bit weird, and I'd like to see it explained why. You also did a good job humanizing SVF. He wants a family, and he cares for the orphans. But I do wish you'd let us know why he cares so much about both of those things, maybe that would be an opportunity to go into his backstory and flesh out his motivations.
-At the very beginning I'd give a bit more detail as to what kind of town your characters are in. You mention there are tourists, so I'd describe just a little bit of what the town looks like. -Also you may want to give a bit more description to Anna and Luc. You mentioned they were holding blankets and cold, but I didn't realize they were homeless until they began asking for money. Maybe state that they looked tired, their clothes are disheveled, people keep their distance because of the smell, etc. -Practice reading the dialogue out loud, it sounds a little stiff and robotic. This is a very easy fix, just work to make it sound like a natural thing a person would say. -I'd give a bit more emotion to your characters. For example, when Paul finds out that he's an uncle, he should probably look surprised, or even pleased. But right now, all he does is say, "oh wow, I am an uncle". -I liked Pg. 3 where Paul takes Care of Maria even after his brother abandons her. -Pg. 6. I liked the game called push. That was unexpected and funny. -You jump between scenes really quickly. That's fine, but I'd personally give each scene a few more lines of dialogue or action, give it some room to breathe. -Pg. 8. I like how you transition Maria from a child to a young adult, but you can do it another way than having her come out of the bathroom. That felt a little bit goofy, but I like the idea a lot. -Pg. 10. Give Maria and Pamela more dialogue, let them flesh out their relationship a tad so it makes sense that they'd want to be friends on Meetnmix. -Pg. 13. Don't tell us about all the things Pamela and Maria did together, show us! -Pg. 14. Milk girl seems like a very childish insult. That would work when the characters were six, but I don't think it'll fly when they're teenagers. -Pg. 18. I'd imply Erick and Coco's relationship before the reveal that the dog is dying. Maybe he and Maria can talk about their pets over text. -Pg. 20. I like how Erick needs Maria but she's unavailable, that was sad. -Pg. 22. We finally learn that Maria lives in Belgium. This should definitely be mentioned or alluded to much earlier in the story. I know some girls spoke dutch earlier, but for some people (like myself) that may not be obvious enough. -Pg. 23. I like the ending, it was sweet how the two lovebirds finally got to meet. Overall Notes -It's a sweet story, but I'm not sure what the point was. By that I mean, what was the story about? Is it about Maria learning to love her adopted family, finding love, making a friend, fitting in at school, etc. You should definitely make it more clear what exactly you're trying to accomplish with your story and then make sure it's paid off by the end. I think you have a lot of great ideas, and once you tighten them up and refine them, you'll have a really great story. Happy writing!
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