Great story! Special props especially to the dialogue. I teach high school students for a living, and a lot of this dialogue felt pretty spot-on to the average teenager. My one dialogue critique would be from the opening scene with Penny on page 2. When Penny says the whole spheal about how looking at Eli is like looking in a mirror, it didn't feel real. I understand it sets up the theme of the show, but I would find a way to deliver the message more naturally. I like the passion of the english teacher. Good example of how a passionate teacher can inspire a student. I imagine the teacher will help deliver Eli from a dark place later on in the story. Or maybe the teacher will try to help and Eli will reject him. Really like how you used the bong smoke to switch scenes on page 32, pretty brilliant. I like the conflict with Eli where he wants to be liked by his friends, but also likes his teacher and has greater aspirations than partying all day. It's sad (but in a good way) to see him become worse as the story progresses. I really like Liam's character. He's a good friend, but a bad influence. He wants to make Eli feel better on Pg. 44, but he does it by offering him hardcore drugs. It makes me feel conflicted about him, which is really good! Morally gray characters are very interesting. I don't really have any sort of experience with cocaine, but is confidence one of the side-effects of the drug? If not, maybe you should change the drug Eli takes to some kind of vague pill or medication. A lot of shows get away with having a character act weird by having them take medicine and never specifying what it was. Pg. 48. I like how Penny calls out Eli for his passiveness. All he's done the entire story is follow other people, and it's a great callback to the start of the story. Great work on your story. I'd compare this story to Catcher in the Rye or Breaking Bad. Where good people learn the wrong lessons and gradually become worse over the course of the story. I wish you luck with the next episode and am looking forward to hopefully reading it someday.
Really enjoyed your story, great work! Here are a couple of my notes. the beginning of the story with the mask God really interested me. It was so weird and unexplained that i wanted to read more to find out what was going on. Pg. 7 really reminded me of assassins creed when Kal adopted the looks and mannerisms of the surrounding monks. Very surprised by Jhon dying on page 9, he felt like a main character, part of a duo. very cool twist. The world you've built is very descriptive. I like on page 10 how Kal steals some of her food and buys the other. if you want to show off more of her character, showing that she's a thief yet sympathetic to the poor, maybe she steals the wine from a rich merchant, and buys the pie from a poor looking man or woman. Pg. 12. Cool how you subtly introduced the idea of magic in your world. Everything seemed like standard medieval, until Denny casually mentioned portals and magical obsidian. Pg. 14. Might want to extend this fight scene. Could be a good opportunity to see more of Kal's fighting abilities. otherwise, the scene felt very short and abrupt. Maybe she wins the fight, and we can see that this is one of the ways that she makes money. Pg. 17. The transition between meeting the gypsy, to having the flashback, to suddenly meeting wren in the bar felt jarring. Maybe the flashback should end, and Kal speaks briefly once more with the gypsy before the bar scene starts. That could help the reader keep track of everything that's going on. I like the idea of Syble being a bear person (bearson). I've seen lots of cat and lizard people in fantasy stories, but not many bear people. Jhon becomes a very big motivator for Kal in the story, but we don't get to see very much of him. I'd either spend a bit more time with him in the beginning, or give him a flashback. I'm sad he died, but I don't know anything about him, so I don't care as much as I should about Kal's broken heart and desire for revenge. Pgs. 36-37. I feel like Kal would be more hesitant to drink or engage with the church of the masked god, especially after drinking from the chalice blurred her vision. For such an active and dynamic character, it's weird to see her suddenly become so passive. You could make a comment that Kal feels motivated to follow the orders of the church, almost as if something in the drink drugged or influenced her decision making. Really liked this idea of Kal being continuously brought back to life, but having to experience death each time. useful power, but really painful. Great story, excited to see where this goes!
When the chosen champion of humanity mouths off to the Goddess, he's replaced by his unqualified and underprepared step-brother.