I really enjoyed your story, it was a fun and breezy read. Here's a couple of notes. Pg. 1 I liked your opening scene description, but from what I've been told by writers much better than myself, you're supposed to keep the scene description more sparse. I believe this is so the directors are not hampered in their creative vision when adapting a story for the screen. Pg. 2 How is the audience able to tell that the picture of Michael and his family is from five years ago? Pg. 6 I think you should add a bit more to gracefully transition between Janet's car and worry woods. Maybe Michael looks nervously out the window as the car begins to travel. This is minor, but I was just taken aback at how quickly they made it to the campsite. Pg. 7 I like the natural way you were able to bring up Michael's father by having May ask how long it had been since he went camping. Pg. 9-10 Your description of the fight with hunter was well-done, I was really engaged! Great job with your story, keep up the good work!
I like how this imagination land is filled with the kids, I think it might be even funnier if you have us spend more time with the kids before they go to imagination land. Are they quiet, loud reserved, etc. Maybe there's a really quiet kid in the class who becomes incredibly loud and chaotic in the imagination world. Spend more time establishing the world before you subvert it. Like the goofy energy of your script. Reminded me of Rugrats, how something very mundane seems intense from a child's perspective. Pg. 4. When Aaron sees the third graders, I think you should have them do a funny actions. Maybe they're screaming, picking their noses, doing something a child would, except now they're in these cool motorized death cars. Pg. 6 Show Jake being a selfish jerk, don't just tell us about it. Maybe he was cheating on his test or hocking spitballs at another classmate. Pg. 16 Cute how Jake sabotages himself by yelling out his master plan. I really like your story, but it might be more effective to chance the setting from a school to a local playground. The kids have lots of toys and equipment that you wouldn't normally see at a playground for elementary children (especially the tape, shopping carts, and nerf guns). You'd be able to get away with a lot of wackier items and props for the kids if you're somewhere besides a school. I think you have a set-up for a great series. Constantly jumping between a mundane world and the imagination of a child sounds very entertaining. You'd be able to to create and parody a lot of really interesting scenarios.
I did your first fifteen, please refer to that for the review of your first fifteen pages. Pg. 21 When Gibson and Marina are about to leave the bunker and find her mother, I'd expect the other characters to put up more resistance about them leaving. They just escaped these horrifying yeti monsters, and I was surprised that everyone was just fine with them leaving. Pg. 22 Instead of Gibson and Maria running outside, and then running immediately back inside when the yeti spots them, it might be quicker for Maria to try and open the door, and a yeti immediately tries to grab her, stopping the mission before it even started. I like the motivation of Maria getting back to her mother, it's a good way to get the characters out of their safe bunker. It might be nice if the characters mention if there's any hope of help coming there way. But the problem might be that it would take too many days for help to arrive, hence why they can't just hole up and wait. I enjoyed the quippy dialogue. It was always fast, light, and kept the action moving. Pg. 41 I like the visual of the yeti absorbing the bullets and shooting them back at the soldiers. That would look really neat to watch. Pg. 47 I understand that Gibson and Marian are supposed to like eachother, but it feels odd having them kiss and both enjoy themselves, when just a few minutes ago, Marina watched Gibson murder multiple Ukranian police officers. Pg. 48 I said this in my first fifteen, but I think there needs to be a better reason for Marina to leave her mother and to go with Gibson. It seems like her mother wanted Marina to be safe, yet ironically, the mother was safer and better-protected than the entire local police force. Pg. 55-56 You explain through the scene description that Peter’s phone conversation was being recorded, but you might want to have the boss mention that in dialogue so the audience can more easily understand. Pg. 57 I’m not sure how I feel about Peter, he’s introduced all of a sudden with no prior buildup, and the very first time we see him in a confrontation, he explodes and kills his boss. I know that’s not how you designed the character, but it makes him seem kind of unhinged and insane. Also his boss is very comically evil. You may have designed him that way, but it felt unrealistic to me. Is there a way you can introduce Peter or at least allude to him earlier on in the story? Maybe they’re actually close friends and were in touch near the very beginning. Pg. 75 I liked how the chernobyl incident was actually a cover-up for the yetis, that was interesting. I enjoyed your story, but definitely preferred the first half when they were struggling to survive the yeti attack. I think for me, it felt weird that Gibson was able to escape, get help, and then drive back to the reactor. It slowed down the pacing of the story, and got rid of a lot of the tension. It might be better if the entire story takes place in the small town, cut off from the rest of society. They could be aware that help is on the way via their satellite phone, but it’s a matter of just trying to survive until then. Or you could flesh out Peter more and have the story continually cut between him and Gibson. Great work with the story!
I like the introductory page. You did a great job of introducing Jeff and showing what he's like as a person. I especially liked how he knocked over his trashcan and a bunch of noise complaint slips fell out. On page 1 you say that a headache is beginning to form in Jeff's head, but how does the audience know that? How can we visually see that he is experiencing pain? Liked the personality of the judges, reminded me of American idol, but a lot meaner. Good job showing how nervous Jeff was about his singing, the body language spoke volumes about how he was feeling. Very interesting ending, I liked how vague it was. Who was the metal? How did he get these powers? Really liked it! Nice, quick read! It was difficult to judge some parts of the script like structure and character development since it was so short, but that's not really a problem, just a comment.
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