I have no idea what I just read but I kinda liked it. I’m not really familiar with horror genre but I can only assume your going for a B-movie slasher vibe. At first I was like what the fuck is this? But as I continued reading, the script was clearly trying to have fun with horror movie conventions and I enjoyed it, I think it has a great sense of humour to it. I love the fact that in this world Satan wears a purple Tuxedo and black slacks, that’s a great detail. I was a bit confused by the name of the main character Shadow Vile Figure – I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean. The action scenes were fun and bloody and you did a good job of communicating what was happening and the over the top style of everything. I thought the ending was funny with Veronica and the teenagers. I enjoyed the first 15 pages, but I’m not sure how you would turn this into a feature and sustain the pace of the short. It was weird and quirky but I was surprised by how much I liked it.
Hey Jonathan, I think you recently reviewed the script I wrote called Rooted – I really appreciated your feedback. I think the strongest parts of this script was it’s concept as well as the cast of characters you’ve assembled. I think the idea here is really interesting and has lots of potential and you’ve got a great cast of personalities and characters. Firstly, I think you should spend some more time refining the formatting of the script. Usually camera shots are capitalised i.e. ZOOM IN, PAN TO. Also, from what I’ve read on the internet apparently you need to be very careful about putting shots in your script. The articles I’ve read on screenwriting usually say something along the lines of ‘your just a writer, leave the camera work to the director’. This was something I struggled with when I was writing my first script so I can relate. I.e. Instead of writing, “Fade in to the interior of Bernard’s home. Like the rest of the city, it’s a weird mix of different levels of technology and culture.” You could just say ‘Like the rest of the city, Bernard’s home is a weird mix of different levels of technology and culture.’ There are some other minor formatting issues, such as the part where you introduce the champions and cut between their reaction. The Characters names should be capitalised the first time you mention them, i.e. “BRADSHAW gives a look of grim determination. SAWYER’S expression is inscrutable. MIRIAM gives a huge somewhat evil- looking grin. TITIAN’S face lights up with pure joy.” This lets the reader know they are being introduced to a character for the first time. There are also times when the description is unnecessary, i.e “looks to be a small human village. The village is modest in size, and is similar in design to something from the ancient middle east.” You’ve already told us it’ s a small village, I’m not sure you need to specify that it’s a human village. Furthermore, it’s redundant to say “ The village is modest is size” when you’ve already told us it’s small. Maybe also consider giving Man 1 and Man 2 some character names given that they actually have a few lines of dialogue, is Man 1 Gunther’s squire? I liked the idea of a blight being a creature that attacks people but there’s no blood, “steam begins to rise from Man 2’s body, and he looks down in horror to see that his left arm has completely vanished, leaving a stump in it’s place. There’s no blood, and no wound to speak of, it’s simply as if the man’s arm never existed.” That’s an interesting idea and I’ve never seen that done before and that detail drew me in, I wanted to know more about these creatures. I also thought the part where Gunther keels over and dies of a heart attack immediately after vanquishing the blight was great and unexpected and funny and sets up the the rest of the show in terms of it’s story and tone. I think we spend to long at Bernard’s house, honestly you could probably cut out a page or two. You had me engaged with the blight attack and the introduction and concept of the champions but the pace of the story slows way down, I just wanted to get to know more about the champions. Maybe explain how these kids were chosen as champions in the first place, did they have to win some kind of tournament? I think the stuff with the goddess was great especially how you build her up to be this reverential figure but she’s more interested in eating a cheeseburger than doing her job. This section with the goddess handing out the weapons to the champions was definitely the highlight of the script, I’d encourage you to get to this part quicker and build more around it. The bit where she asked for a coffee was funny and I liked how you referred to it as ‘sacred nectar’. The champions are a great cast of personalities I definitely think you got the mix right. The bit at the end where the goddess chooses Bernard instead of Marshall to be the champion was great, it was unexpected and I didn’t see it coming but it totally makes sense and sets the story up. Although I kinda liked Marshall’s arrogance and hope there is a place for him somewhere in the story moving forward. The ending was a bit sudden, I kept hoping for some combat between the champions themselves or between them and the blights.
When the girl he loves breaks up with him, an introspective yet ambitious teenager must figure out how to get what he wants and live the good life in the amoral world that surrounds him.