ScriptMother

Jonathan Barbour

Pivotal Scene

Reviewer Rating:
Scripts: 6
Reviews: 21

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Jonathan Barbour just purchased a review. Claim it here
1 day ago
The Apocolitician television
Genre: Comedy,Sci-Fi/Fantasy,Animation
Logline: College students Shayne and Ike will do anything for extra credit. Even if it means helping a local cult leader run for office.
Jonathan Barbour completed a review for
1 week ago
Jonathan Barbour just claimed a review for a script.
1 week ago
Thilos short
Genre: Action/Adventure,Comedy,Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Logline: When Art goes, love loses some expression
Jonathan Barbour just purchased a review. Claim it here
1 week ago
The Apocolitician television
Genre: Comedy,Sci-Fi/Fantasy,Animation
Logline: College students Shayne and Ike will do anything for extra credit. Even if it means helping a local cult leader run for office.
Jonathan Barbour completed a review for
2 weeks ago
Jonathan Barbour just claimed a review for a script.
2 weeks ago
Tooth short
Genre: Animation,Family,Thriller
Logline: What if a tooth had to relive falling out?
Jonathan Barbour completed a review for
2 weeks ago
Dumb F-cking Animals feature
Genre: Action/Adventure,Animation,Comedy
Review Rating:

I hope the dirge of notes isn't discouraging, I think everything you wrote is good, these are just some ways I think you can make your story great. You do a good job quickly establishing that even though there are talking animals this is not a kids show (if the title didn't give it away already). F-bomb on the first page, murder on the fourth. Pg. 4 Love the contrast of a cutesy unicorn and stuffed animal crow working out and smoking cigarettes. Your characters swear A LOT in your story. It's definitely shocking having cute things say bad words, but I'm afraid that having them swear every other sentence is really going to lessen the impact I think you're trying to create. Pg. 11 The way you reveal how the stuffed animals appeared in the world feels a bit clunky to me. It doesn't sound like a real conversation. As a suggestion, a stuffed character could come up to Sprinkles and ask if he was born or if he appeared like all the other stuffed animals. Rainbow could even be the one who asks that. Pg. 12 I found it hilarious that a stuffed animal got its head ripped off and it sprayed beans everywhere instead of blood. That's clever. Are stuffed animals still alive after their heads come off? What provides life for the stuffed animals? Pg. 15 Dr. Chimera mentioning how he'll rip Jester's other eye out is a clever way to clue the audience into the fact that he was one of the guys who attacked the strip club. Pg. 19 At the bottom of the page when you describe the apartment, you accidentally put "talking to each other" twice. Pg. 22 As weird as this is to write, I'm not sure what the purpose was of the masturbation scene with Sprinkles and Rainbow. As far as I can tell it didn't advance the plot or the characters in any way. Pg. 29 Dr. Chimera saying how he's the only known mythical being living in this city doesn't sound very natural. I'd recommend rewording it. I'd also recommend fleshing out Dr. Chimera some more. We learn more about Papa Bear and his motivations than we do for the main villain. Pg. 32 I like how Splooge could see Papa Bear's flashback, that was funny. Pg. 33 Do minions exist in this world? Seems weird to describe a color as a minion-yellow. Pg. 35 I feel like Kaw and Sunshine need to have a bit more dialogue before they explode and yell at eachother. In other words, build up to it more. Pg. 37 If it's common knowledge that Dr. Chimera experiments on stuffed animals, how has he not been arrested? Is he bribing the cops, are all the experiments voluntary? Pg. 41 To me it feels like a leap in logic to have Rainbow and Sprinkles immediately go to Dr. Chimera's lab to find Kaw. Maybe there's a more elegant way you can have them decide to go to Dr. Chimera. Pg. 57 What changed to make Papa Bear choose now to kill Dr. Chimera? If he's had a gun with him the entire time, why didn't he just shoot him earlier when his guard was down? Stray Thoughts By the end of the story, I wanted to know more about Sprinkles and Kaw. I feel like more time can be spent developing these characters and showing their wants and desires. Especially since your story is at a lean page count, you've got room to add stuff. I specifically thought their personalities were underdeveloped when Rainbow mentioned that Kaw hated being alone even though we've never seen an example of that in the story. I think you described the action scenes very well. It gave me a good visual of what was happening in the story. You're a good writer and you told an interesting story. I'd like to see where the group goes next, and what secret backup plan Dr. Chimera had in store.

Jonathan Barbour just claimed a review for a script.
2 weeks ago
Dumb F-cking Animals feature
Genre: Action/Adventure,Animation,Comedy
Logline: They may be cute, but they ain't cuddly.
Jonathan Barbour just purchased a review. Claim it here
2 weeks ago
The Apocolitician television
Genre: Comedy,Sci-Fi/Fantasy,Animation
Logline: College students Shayne and Ike will do anything for extra credit. Even if it means helping a local cult leader run for office.
Jonathan Barbour completed a review for
2 weeks ago
Battle Of The Bands (vampires vrs zombies) feature
Genre: Horror
Review Rating:

I'll start off by saying that I think you're an excellent writer, I just think your story needs some work to bring out its full potential. Pros: *I liked how you used internet videos to wordlessly explain the state of the world. The video "last piece of beef" told me a lot about the world. *You've created a really gross and disgusting world, which seems to be the point, so great job! It reminds me of my first time playing the game The Last of Us, and seeing the sorry state that humanity is in after some kind of disaster. *You do a great job worldbuilding through visuals instead of clunky dialogue. I especially like Pg. 12 where we learn that the Peng is some kind of pregnancy defect and that women infected with it are immediately killed. *It was clever how you used the vampire teacher to share exposition in a natural way. *The first 30 pages of your story were dark, creepy, disturbing, and well-told. This is definitely not my kind of story, but no one can deny the skill you used when designing this fallen world. *I liked the twist that there was no vaccine for the peng, and the vampires were simply trying to weed out the sick. Cons: *As the story continued, it felt weighed down by the number of characters we were following. I think I enjoyed the first part of the story more because we mainly followed Drake's perspective. After everyone arrived in the vampire world, we kept jumping from character to character, and I stopped caring about a lot of these vampires because I didn't have time to connect with them or really figure out what was motivating them. *This may be a problem born of having so many characters, but I had no clue what a lot of these people wanted. I understood they wanted to win the battle of the bands and go to the farmhouse, but why? And why was Drake so against becoming a vampire and changed his mind after making out with a girl for a few moments? *The story is called "Battle of the Bands", but the musical performance feels like a B-plot. It's ultimately your choice as the writer, but I was expecting more emphasis on music and seeing how being a zombie, vampire, or a human might allow for different music skills or strengths. Again, this is not my kind of story, but I think you did a really good job, especially when designing the world. It's an absolutely disgusting but well-realized location. If you trim down the characters we follow and focus on one or plot narrative threads, I think the story will continue to improve.

Scripts

Hammer Hero (Third Draft)
Draft #3
Genre: Animation,Action/Adventure,Comedy
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When the chosen champion of humanity mouths off to the Goddess, he's replaced by his unqualified and underprepared step-brother.

Cult Kid
Draft #1
Genre: Comedy,Sci-Fi/Fantasy
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A teenage boy is forced to be a part of the family cult when all he wants to do is be normal and go to school.

Super Lame (Episode 1)
Draft #1
Genre: Comedy,Action/Adventure
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A pair of news reporters travel the country interviewing superheroes with powers that are less of a blessing and more of a curse.

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The Apocolitician
Draft #1
Genre: Comedy,Sci-Fi/Fantasy,Animation
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College students Shayne and Ike will do anything for extra credit. Even if it means helping a local cult leader run for office.

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Reviews

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Comedy
Horror
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Drama
Action/Adventure
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Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Thriller
Action/Adventure
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Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Mystery/Suspense
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