-At the very beginning I'd give a bit more detail as to what kind of town your characters are in. You mention there are tourists, so I'd describe just a little bit of
what the town looks like.
-Also you may want to give a bit more description to Anna and Luc. You mentioned they were holding blankets and cold, but I didn't realize they were homeless until
they began asking for money. Maybe state that they looked tired, their clothes are disheveled, people keep their distance because of the smell, etc.
-Practice reading the dialogue out loud, it sounds a little stiff and robotic. This is a very easy fix, just work to make it sound like a natural thing a person would say.
-I'd give a bit more emotion to your characters. For example, when Paul finds out that he's an uncle, he should probably look surprised, or even pleased. But right now,
all he does is say, "oh wow, I am an uncle".
-I liked Pg. 3 where Paul takes Care of Maria even after his brother abandons her.
-Pg. 6. I liked the game called push. That was unexpected and funny.
-You jump between scenes really quickly. That's fine, but I'd personally give each scene a few more lines of dialogue or action, give it some room to breathe.
-Pg. 8. I like how you transition Maria from a child to a young adult, but you can do it another way than having her come out of the bathroom. That felt a little bit goofy,
but I like the idea a lot.
-Pg. 10. Give Maria and Pamela more dialogue, let them flesh out their relationship a tad so it makes sense that they'd want to be friends on Meetnmix.
-Pg. 13. Don't tell us about all the things Pamela and Maria did together, show us!
-Pg. 14. Milk girl seems like a very childish insult. That would work when the characters were six, but I don't think it'll fly when they're teenagers.
-Pg. 18. I'd imply Erick and Coco's relationship before the reveal that the dog is dying. Maybe he and Maria can talk about their pets over text.
-Pg. 20. I like how Erick needs Maria but she's unavailable, that was sad.
-Pg. 22. We finally learn that Maria lives in Belgium. This should definitely be mentioned or alluded to much earlier in the story. I know some girls spoke dutch earlier,
but for some people (like myself) that may not be obvious enough.
-Pg. 23. I like the ending, it was sweet how the two lovebirds finally got to meet.
Overall Notes
-It's a sweet story, but I'm not sure what the point was. By that I mean, what was the story about? Is it about Maria learning to love her adopted family, finding love,
making a friend, fitting in at school, etc. You should definitely make it more clear what exactly you're trying to accomplish with your story and then make sure it's
paid off by the end.
I think you have a lot of great ideas, and once you tighten them up and refine them, you'll have a really great story. Happy writing!
