I’m going to focus on format here as if this were a first 15 review. The biggest thing you’re not doing is separating elements/characters within a scene or shot using sluglines. These tell the reader where the focus should be. For example, in a scene on the basketball court, you start with a wide shot of a team or perhaps the whole venue, but as the game happens, you separate each person or element as we see it.
Start with:
ESTABLISHING – THE GYMNASIUM
Describe, the venue, the crowd, the two teams on the court (what color each team wears, etc.)
As you introduce players in a block of action, only the important ones need ALL CAPS, but each player that participates in the action should be described enough to be differentiated in the reader’s mind. (like you did with Earl) Use basic stuff like hair, the number on their jersey, a head band or mouth guard, etc. Assume the reader doesn’t know basketball positions. Just describe the players and what they do.
THE SCOREBOARD - RAIDERS: 59 VISITORS: 65
EARL -
passes to
NUMBER 21 -
stringy but muscular and wearing goggles. He quickly cuts past his defender into the paint.
(and if your action involves this player again, you can mention the goggles or jersey number again to remind the reader)
When you have an action that needs a close up shot, use
INSERT – EARL’S FINGER
The ball just barely grazes his middle finger, pushing it back.
THE BALL -
falls short of the net and into the hands of the Raiders’ center.
THE SCOREBOARD - RAIDERS:61 VISITORS: 65
The court scenes will tend to be mostly sluglines, only occasionally reverting to a wider shot (a team celebrating, the crowd rising to their feet)
Anyway, you get the idea. I can’t stress enough how much everyone needs to have a hard copy format manual to refer to as you write. The internet is is a poor substitute.
