Interested in all types of stories. Started writing recently and using the website in order to receive feedback that will allow me to become a better writer. I will try my best to give good feedback and can only promise that I will give unbiased reviews but not necessarily professional level feedback.
i've already mentioned the concept, it's not crazy, it is what it is. The story still doesn't work for me. Like I said in the review of the previous draft, a good story has some sort of conflict. What movie have you ever watched or book have you ever read where there was no type of conflict at all for the first 2/3. It just doesn't work. When there's no conflict, there's nothing pushing the characters to do anything, it's just people living their lives. Maybe if the love story was just so enthralling it could work but even in real life, relationships have conflict. People don't just fawn over each other all the time, couples fight. None of the characters reach a reasonable conclusion. Will just does jack the whole thing, he has no goals or life. Iounn gets the internship but guess what, who cares it's not mentioned till the end of the screenplay. Theresa meets with Hayden, yet what about that interaction where she confesses to her terrible behavior would attract him to her. That's the most significant scene they have to establish the relationship and she's terrible in it. If you condensed all of the first 65 pages into a ten minute montage with no dialogue at all, it would have the same effect as reading it. In fact the reminiscing after the Theresa temper tantrum pretty much does carry the emotional weight of the whole story up until that point. Structure and formatting good like last time. Dialogue: I have to admit, I've come around to the dialogue a bit. There's just too much of it. When there's like 75% of the script in dialogue, the dialogue better be pretty darn good. Some of the unnatural dialogue just throws off whole scenes. For example this line, "You're a terrible liar. Something tells me you had more than just a good time." Have you ever met someone who would talk like this. Overall though, the dialogue is serviceable. A great movie to watch for romantic dialogue that feels super authentic is Before Sunrise. It's just a great movie in general, but the dialogue is perfect. You can really see the relationship progress. That's probably another thing that I've noticed this go around. The dialogue between Iounn and Will doesn't progress with their relationship, like start out playful and then become intimate, it's mostly just all cute stuff. Also this is another prime example of something that might read well but sounds cliche and unrealistic when spoken aloud or imagined someone playing this "Because of your previous relationship, you're not about seeking love, but about seeking the barriers within yourself that you have built against it Please let me help you take them down so I can tell you how I feel." plus "Just go to a bar or restaurant,someplace public. I can hangout int he background. And if he feels the same way, I'll be on my way. If not, we can make it a girl's night and drown our sorrows in alcohol.
Concept: While the concept has been explored a couple of times, I think it’s really done well in this short. Story: There’s definitely something going on here with Simon’s hookups and guilt. The internal conflict is clearly evident. However, there is no real resolution to this conflict that just lingers. The part of the story that you have already written is really good. I just feel like it’s cut a little short and the story could go further to really reach a true climax with a resolution. Structure: No notes from me, think it all works. Character: The character of Simon is established clearly and his inner conflict and the differences in the interactions with his flings and his wife really bring out his character. Yet, Simon doesn’t really develop through the short, mostly because (as mentioned earlier) the short cuts off before Simon can develop. Dialogue: The dialogue is good and helps progress the story, but in shaky at the end, mostly with Katy. Katy’s dialogue seems a little forced and her anger doesn’t quite come across right.
A gangster finds himself in a struggle for power against loyalists to his former boss.
A high school basketball player plays the game of his life and remembers the events that got him there.