Interested in all types of stories. Started writing recently and using the website in order to receive feedback that will allow me to become a better writer. I will try my best to give good feedback and can only promise that I will give unbiased reviews but not necessarily professional level feedback.
In the first couple pages there are a few things that don't seem to make much sense. How come Tello doesn't know where the sun sets? That's a pretty simple concept to grab, maybe it's a metaphor I don't get. Also, while in the tavern and outside the church, Tello is a drunken fool who sways around and pulls a push door, yet when he is caught by Matias is adeptly able to take care of Matias make an escape through a window, a safely ride a horse away. There are a lot of points in the script where contractions, usually "haven't" and "I'm", could be used to make dialogue sound more natural. The descriptions of characters and settings is incredible, they're very well-done. If Diego's never left Madrid then how come he says he's never been on a ship that rocked so much, he hasn't been on any ship at all. Historically speaking, at this point in time, the Comanche were already depleted due to European diseases and were outnumbered especially by the large Spanish colonies that were well established in the late eighteenth century. Your depiction of this Spanish settlement is much closer to the sixteenth century Spanish settlements. Additionally, the Comanche would not be constantly out-posted outside the walls of the city, the attacked primarily in raids at the height of their dominance, and by this point in time, they would've attacked almost exclusively in a raid unless in open warfare. Finally, there are several things that go without closure such as the relevance of the fortunes of El Bruco and Tello. If nothing really comes of Tello, then why start the story out with him? If you just needed to explain that he needed replacing it could've been done in a lot less pages. Also, the death of Rosa so close to the end feels forced and isn't given much time after her coming to the settlement being so important. It forces you to try and have Diego go through a whole series of character development in fifteen pages which detracts from the rest of the screenplay that preceded it immensely. Overall, very well-written description wise, the dialogue felt stilted and unrealistic in many places, the concept was good but could use a stronger conflict.
Concept: There really isn't anything here that's incredibly different. This episode set up the traditional heroes' journey with the call to action for the hero of humble origins. I guess, the type of civilization is kind of new but the blight are just another generic alien/monster species that the hero must fight, I believe the term "the blight" has been used several types before. Story: The story is actually kind of interesting. The story flows naturally which is good, although it slows almost to a halt during the breakfast scene. As a first episode, this episode needs to be gripping and too much of a boring scene can really detract from a good script. This scene could be cut almost in half and still present the characters the same as it does as is. Structure: The structure was pretty good. There was an inciting incident and the call to action which is pretty much what you need for a pilot. Character Development: This is only a first episode so there isn't much character development but the characters were written with flaws so there is room for development. The seeds have been planted for the gradual growth in humility from Marshall and more confidence from Bernard. Even the Goddess has a distinct personality with flaws that can create character development. Dialogue: Some of the dialogue is really good and some of it just doesn't fit, not that it's bad, just doesn't fit. For characters like the Goddess and Marshall, these two characters have a clear voice that comes across in their dialogue. However, for Bernard, some of his dialogue just doesn't have legs. I think it's because his wimpy-ness is so exaggerated that his dialogue doesn't feel authentic.
Concept: Looking at the concept, it is what it is. Sorry to be so vague, but there really isn't anything to hang your hat on here, it's just a scene of a young teenager performing a self-abortion. I guess the concept is that the mother knew which is there at the end but because that's not a fully formed idea it doesn't really contribute. Story: As with the concept, there really is anything here. What is written isn't a story but a specific scene in the story. There is nothing seriously driving anything because there is no context. Structure: Formatting done properly. Character Development: There really isn't any. Anna overcomes an obstacle but because we don't see her before or after this event to any real extent, the reader can't follow her progression and see how the abortion affected her. The mother is even less developed. Dialogue: While this is only being judged on five lines of dialogue, the dialogue didn't really seem natural. The speaking was very proper and would perhaps benefit from the usage of some colloquialisms that would make the conversation seem more casual and natural. Overall: I am not one of the people that is of the mind that four pages is too short to tell a story. I mean if you were really talented you could probably tell a story in one page. However, the key is that there has to be an overarching story rather than just one scene. There has to be character development, a conflict, and a resolution. For the purposes of this script, I believe it could be easily lengthened into a ten or fifteen page short that would be able to present a fully-developed story.
Concept: The concept of someone looking back through their life isn't ridiculously original but the framing device is kind of original. At the beginning it seems to closely resemble Clarence in It's A Wonderful Life but quickly shifts when we return to the framing device at the end. Story/Character Development: After finishing the screenplay, the biggest issue with the story is that it reads like a series of unconnected sequence of events. The movies that I would compare it to thematically are It's A Wonderful Life and Citizen Kane, key word: thematically. The thing that makes these two movies so incredible is the overarching character development that takes place throughout the entirety of the story. Tony Cavelli simply isn't an interesting enough character. One of the biggest issues with Tony's development is that it isn't gradual he goes from perfect child who can do no wrong, to criminal who cheats on his fiancee, to successful businessman and family man, to Jesus' choice man. Tony is almost so perfect when he's not terrible that he's never really a likeable, relatable main character. Structure: The structure was actually really good. The script read really well and I had no issues whatsoever with formatting. Everything was presented clearly and the descriptions of setting and characters were clear and made it easy to visualize what was happening. Dialogue: Most of the dialogue felt natural with a few exceptions here or there from the female characters but there was nothing to egregious that it distracted from the rest of the story. One big outstanding issue with dialogue is that there are several times in the screenplay characters will say to themselves or make an observation to another character of something that is already obvious through the action, such as Daniel saying he hates Tony when it's obvious because of how he bullied him. Anything that can be pulled from the action should not be repeated with unnecessary dialogue. Final Notes: After reading this screenplay, I did check out your profile and noticed that all of these events in Tony's life are also your other screenplays. I personally don't see any issue with that. However, one thing that I would warn you of is that there are some lapses in storytelling, such as abrupt shifts in character traits or situations that feel like you have the story in your head, but might have written them in another story instead of this one. Finally, the ending scenes with the apostles and such is just really weird and kind of feels out of place with the rest of the story. Maybe if there was some more Christian themes or references throughout it would seem more natural.
A gangster finds himself in a struggle for power against loyalists to his former boss.