I am a currently a student at the National School of Theater Arts & Drama in Georgetown Guyana finishing up a diploma in Theater Arts and Creative writing. Creativity and a strong imagination have always been the things that makes me the most proud about myself. I'm a very unassuming guy, just another face in the crowd. But given the chance, watch me do something extraordinary
This wasn't a bad script at all to read. The formatting was good and the characters seemed realistic enough. It's just that only so little development can actually happen in 9 pages, that's why most of my marks are fair. But I think you handled yourself quite well, you told an intriguing and coherent story with such little pages. Some of your sentence construction, however, does get a bit confusing at times. For example: Callista grabs the shoulders and the head, still in the helmet, falls off. That sentence confused me for a few seconds cause I thought she was grabbing both the head and shoulders of the guy and I was wondering how exactly that would work. It's only after a few times of reading it back that I realized what you meant. Your dialogue isn't bad but it can be much better: (CALLISTA) BENTRY! COME BACK! HELP ME! That bit of dialogue there sucked, it seemed so cheesy and unimpressive. Also using 'cut to' as a scene change isn't necessary in this day and age. In going from one scene to another it's quite obvious that you have to 'cut to' so you just leave it out. Only use 'cut to' to emphasize a point or show contrast on screen between two scenes; in that way it's mainly used for dramatic effect or comedic effect.
The story definitely comes from a different perspective. I have never quite heard one like it before. Your screenplay formatting is not bad at all and the story gets interesting at times. But bro what's the point of the story? What message are you trying to get across? The reason why people tell stories is so that we could learn something from them (a particular theme). But the story you told is just one big situation the friends find themselves in. What should we as your audience learn from it? The characters of the four friends used in the story are very one dimensional, no one is really distinct from the other. Take away the bachelor party and you could add any random 4 dudes to the story and it doesn't change it one bit. What makes those four guys so unique that the story happens to them? I guess you were gunning for being spontaneous and just being in the wrong place at the wrong time but does that truly work for this story? Everything just seems to be happening because you the writer wants it to happen and there is no real reasoning behind it.