I've been writing screenplays for many years. My micro-budget feature US SINNERS has been hailed as "all micro-budget cinema can and should be" and also the "worst piece of shit ever made." It can be rented at Netflix DVD, and it's not in HD or even 24fps. It's a MiniDV classic. If you're a horror fan, you can hate the entire film, but the climax is well worth it.
This is a very short review, because there isn't much to complain or change. What could you change? You could expand a little. Maybe my few notes will help you think of something. My notes would be: 1) Why would this guy go to a pop music audition? 2) How did he get backstage after he went home? Security is always tight at venues. 3) Where was his amp when he was playing guitar? It's an electric guitar. So, it needs an amp. I don't watch these shows. But, aren't they usually singing to backing tracks or a band that isn't on stage? He'd have to get back into the auditorium, hope there's an amp to plug into, and then do his stuff. This isn't so much a note, as a thought. I mostly write full length micro-budget scripts. I have written some scripts that would need a true budget. But, if I ever got off my ass and tried to sell a script, I might be able to. My short scripts, I could shoot myself. I always plan to, and then get lazy. What do you plan on doing with this? This would need a budget, just for blowing people up at the end. It's good exercise. But, full length with solid structure could be much more helpful. Best of Luck. This was enjoyable. It was cute.
Excellent work. Peer review sites are filled with non-screenplays. This is a definitive screenplay. It could be taken "as is" and it would make a TV pilot that makes perfect sense. There's a lot of exposition that could come to light in upcoming episodes. All around good work. My favorite part of this is Ciara addressing the camera. It's not new. But her change in attitude was extremely well done. The dialogue in those instances is excellent. Christie's work is copyrighted. Some is public domain. That could cause a problem. Which you're probably aware of. Just thought I'd mention it. You seem to have a strong grasp on what you're doing. So, everything I'm going to mention are my thoughts and suggestions. Take them with a grain of salt. If you agree, make changes. If not. This isn't my script. If this were ever picked up, it would change drastically from anyone coming on board. Since this is for television, I know there are page limits, commercial breaks... It's not a medium I'm interested in. I can only judge by my reaction. My biggest problem is the long passages of dialogue. They end up dragging the scenes down. Even on shows I watch, scenes are longer than they need to be, to eat up time. However, eating time should be thoroughly entertaining. TEASER My take on the teaser "story wise" is, Victor and Larissa have not been in touch for a while. Victor has come to try to talk Larissa into being the woman the fortune teller says the Colonel will marry. She has other plans. She's going to blackmail the Colonel. If I'm mistaken on this. Then some of what I'm about to say is wrong. If I'm correct. Then you should reconsider this scene as is. Everything up to "we won't be speaking Russian", "considering neither of us" is perfect. Those lines are an inappropriate joke. I've heard it used in many films. But, at the right time. They're alone. They can drop the pretense. For me, it didn't work. "They spy on me" is excellent. It's followed by "No charges so far?" That line allows her to introduce the Colonel. The problem is, she's a dancer with an audience. If she were charged with anything, it'd be in the news. It's a poor forced transition. "Colonel lays his plans too carefully for that." Bad line "Would you believe he wants to retire? Just like a doctor, or a plumber, or--" Very good line "He organized crime as others might organize a boot factory." Bad line You have a good piece of exposition. To get to it, you add poor dialogue/exposition around it. Don't worry, I'm not going through the entire script. But, you do this every scene that's over a page long. "absolutely in his power... we have nothing on him" is weird. Why are they in his power? It reads like they've all gone their separate ways. Can the Colonel call them and force them to work for him? Yes. But, from what they're saying, he hasn't. If he's there to get her to be "that" woman. Then this dialogue is completely unnecessary (even for eating time). At this point, it's one minute of thick exposition. There's still three more pages. Their talk from "I heard he went to a fortune teller" to "profit, eh" is great. I know the audience needs to know about the diamonds. But you haven't set up a close enough relationship for her to spill her guts about blackmail. In my mind, they haven't seen each other for a while. When he mentioned the woman, she immediately thought of herself. So, he's still on the grift. Now she's going to tell him about her blackmail scheme. What's in it for her? I usually only take mental notes as I read a script. If it's written well, I can usually take from the scene the necessary info. From the moment "they spy on me" till "He's my husband" it was exposition overload. I had to reread to understand what I'd just read. It doesn't need to be like that. This would be my suggestion for the teaser: Victor wants something from her. She wants nothing from him. Let her be lighter. If she has more throw away lines, and only a few important pieces of exposition, it will open up the scene,make it flow, not drag, and be easily understandable. CIARA & FATHER My take: Ciara cares for her brilliant father who is obsessed with Neanderthal Man. He wants to get ahead of others on a quest. But, dies. Ciana is propositioned for marriage, and ends up going to London with Solicitor Sharp. Ciara's opening to Peril of Pauline is great. Everything after the dinner scene is also great. Though I don't understand the entirety of the Emily scene. I guess it has to do with Ciara being a virgin type. The line "It's just to keep my hand in" makes no sense to me. Dad's old men friends are no one she'd want to touch makes perfect sense. It's so short, it's inconsequential. My only problem with this story line is the dinner scene. His excitement at the found skull. It works. I'm guessing this is your attempt to show Ciana's attention to detail and her knowledge. It's just weak on all levels. Because the father needs looking after. She already told us "My only adventure is taking care of my father". This doesn't really enhance her character. My only suggestion on this piece of the script is: We should see pre-London her aptitude for clues and how she sees things other don't. The dinner scene doesn't cut it. Once she's in London, it works fairly well throughout. There are little pieces of exposition that seemed forced, and Christie old-fashioned. That they might have come from her mystery. The shiny chin and Dr's hand not being on the heart. If they are Christie's, I know she presented them better. If you want to truly tighten this up. It's scenes that run over a page long that bring this down. I think one of the things with these scenes is, they're conversing. Someone asks a question, the other person answers it. With a little quip in between. Not every question has to be answered. That will open up immense possibilities within the dialogue. Even with all these notes. Great job. Best of Luck!
A newly transformed vampire band's last chance at happiness and freedom comes when they enter the battle of the bands. But, will they survive to get to the last round?