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Approved
Winner Draft #1
Summary
8 Reviews |
7 pages |
6 years ago
|
Draft 1
A play on the Haitian folklore Jé Rouge (which is creole for Red Eyes), surrounding vampire-like warewolves.
*This is a short for a feature that's I'm fleshing out.
*This is a short for a feature that's I'm fleshing out.
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As to the originality of the concept, it seems familiar but I can't recall any specific story, probably just the element of the victim-is-actually-the-bad-guy twist. It has a Tales from the Crypt feel to it, both in style and length. I predicted the ending, probably because of that.
The dialogue is a little bland and the characters a little shallow. I know it's a short, but some more banter between the siblings might add to the tension and gi...
Top Reviewer
The first and foremost compliment I can put forward is that it is a smooth read. That's not easy to do. Descriptions and actions are not over or underwritten. There isn't very much wasted space, save for a couple moments that feel repetitive. There is, however, one thing missing.
Early on, it would be good to have Monica tell Darren a fake story about a monster that lives in the woods, just to give us a little more context as to how she's tryi...
Top Reviewer
Now this is show not tell, good job. Theoretically this could be taken “as is” and shot. It would leave quite a few lingering questions, but, for what it is, it’s fine. While, it’s still on-the-nose dialogue, it’s at least not exposition.
Since I can’t go back into the comments section, I could be wrong on the following, I thought you wrote that this was fleshing out of what would be a full length feature, which would probably be good. Becaus...
I like the overall concept. The characters are relatable, as is their situation. The script was clean and had no errors. The horror genre is tough to do because a lot of the tropes are overdone. The entire "cry wolf" idea has been done so much, it would need a new approach to really stand out. Unfortunately it doesn't happen here, but with a few changes it's possible that it could.
I would take any reference to "cry wolf" out of the dialogue....
Top Reviewer
I was very impressed with your writing style. I like the way you set your scenes and describe the surroundings. I like the character development of the childern but the moms character could have had more of her own moment. Like when she poured her wine, maybe pull out a photo of her childern and gaze for a second...giving a moment like that is all you need to describe who she is in a quick scene. I like the build up but I thought it was pretty cl...
Top Reviewer
The story structure was very solid and the pacing was good. I felt connected with he characters, which is impressive given the short length of the story. The dialogue was good, although it got a little choppy a couple of time and lagged, but overall it was engaging. The concept for the story was excellent. It wasn't the same old tired monster in the forest story. Given the setting, it was natural to think it would be well tread material, but the...
Top Reviewer
Concept is good. Plot is great. Dialogue is awesome. Our protagonist is interesting enough. The first page is okay. The climax is great and the twist at the end... Honestly, I didn't see it coming. The scenes are good enough. The pacing is good though I would prefer the whole thing to happen in one night. In general the script reads well.
Top Reviewer
The writing and flow of the story is good. Some areas where I think the story can improve is in the build up to the twist at the ending. Although the twist in surprising, it seems like an ending that was chosen merely to shock the reader without consideration to the continuity with the rest of the story. For instance: how does the viewer resolve in his mind what the boy was seeing outside his window? Was it a reflection of himself? Was it a memor...
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