Addicted short
#Drama
By
Cyle
Brooks
A man deals with the consequences of his addictions in his personal and work life.
Awards
Approved
Winner Draft #1
Summary
6 Reviews |
10 pages |
2 years ago
|
Draft 1
Carl, a middle aged retail worker, struggles with the consequences and effects of his addictions in his everyday work life and his personal life up until the consequences grow too dire.
Contains explicit sexual content, graphic nudity, language and disturbing material.
Contains explicit sexual content, graphic nudity, language and disturbing material.
Industry Reviews
The Script works very well on a craft and a structural level. Currently, the ending and medical explanation are a bit unclear but other than that the story needs more heart and that comes from having empathy with the protagonist rather than condemning him. To do this the short should dig into the protagonist's internal world and see him more as a tragic hero examining why he suffers this addiction rather than condemn him for being unable to overc...
Top Reviewer
Peer Reviews
Overall, the story and character of Carl was bittersweet. He was just an average guy with an average job, but when his liver goes out, you find out all of this other stuff about him as a person right before the end. The fact that it ended right before we realize it and wanted to see what happens next with him and everything else, is what made it that way. It was over before it begun.
I think there is room for improvement here, only if you choose...
Top Reviewer
Good read. Very unusual concept but it was certainly interesting. I think if you focus more on the characters and the ending, it could be really good. But in conclusion, it's a pretty interesting and good script and I look forward to your future work.
Top Reviewer
Writer needs to work on fleshing out the concept for this. It's unclear what the addiction is really supposed to be, and the health risks need to be defined more clearly. Carl needs to be given more emotional depth and more of a backstory. He also needs to show more character growth.
Top Reviewer
I think you have a strong start with lots of potentials. The issues I have presented are not difficult to fix and can all be solved within the dialogue if appropriately done.
I wish you the best of luck on future drafts.
Top Reviewer
The concept could work, but you need to make it worthwhile. For ten pages you have a guy jacking off and then his balls burst. If it's an addiction, Carl should have some moment where he deletes his porn collection or stops jacking in the bathroom. I wouldn't have him go over on his break at work. A real addiction carries shame. Especially an addiction to masturbating. Masturbation itself is sort of a shameful act. He shows no remorse for his act...
Top Reviewer
