Awards
Approved
Nominee Draft #1
Summary
14 Reviews |
10 pages |
6 years ago
|
Draft 1
5 friends all trying to balance the weight of their personal lives and maintain a healthy friendship
Industry Reviews
No Industry Reviews
Peer Reviews
I got 3 pages in and gave up. This isn't formatted or done by someone who understands screenplay formatting.
Top Reviewer
Concept is not strong enough.
The first ten pages didn't draw me in.
The plot is not very good.
The protagonist or should I say protagonists are not interesting at all.
Scenes are not written well at all.
Dialogue is not well written.
Top Reviewer
I thought this was pretty good, and could probably be even better.
This is not how a screenplay is formatted. Google "Screenplay formatting" and then go to WriterDuet.com and start over again. There are far too many errors in formatting to be worth going through and correcting.
PROS
THEME. The theme of friendship and sticking together is one that anyone can relate to so it has a lot of potential whether with people reminiscing about the times they had that kind of experience, those living it and those yearning for it.
MALIKIH. Malikih's character was well-developed, he had a distinct voice, he was credible and he was compelling.
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT
YOUR INTENT. There are a number of questions you should...
Top Reviewer
First of all the format is completely wrong and it would probably not even be read at a competition or by an agent. Download a free scriptwriting software like Trelby to fix that. Also there were many grammatical errors. For example "When y'all make it big and get out of here, what will that leave with with?". Also when describing a scene you can't narrate stuff like it is a book for example "Their neighborhood was a busy one, always cars coming...
Top Reviewer
1- No title page, every single screenplay should have a title page, you just have the title on the first page.
2- “intro” you don’t “intro” a screenplay, you would do a voice over before you fade in. you also need to point out who is talking. Everytime.
3- No slug line. Every scene needs a slug line.
4- (Scene 1. Ralph wakes up and washes his face, brushes his teeth. Walks into the kitchen and pours a bowl of cereal, then someone knocks on the...
That was definitely an interesting experience reading this script, I felt as though your strongest strength is the choice of words that you used throughout the short story. You used words made the characters fit in that particular world, that they seemed to have come from a working -class mentality in most respects. The choice of words made the world, I understood the world that you were trying to portray and you succeeded in bringing this world...
Top Reviewer
That was definitely an interesting concept. I felt as though your strongest strength is the choice of words that you used throughout the short story. The dialogue made the characters fit in that particular world, that they seemed to have come from a working class mentality in most respects.
I found the friendship between the characters to flow quite roughly throughout the story, starting a lot of the conversations with a question. If these c...
It's hard to read a script that's not really written as a script. Unfortunately, that's my bottom line, and thereby pretty much all I've got to say here.
If the author wants to get this read as a script, step one is to format it as a script. There's no way around that. Industry standard is industry standard for a reason.
In fact, reading badly presented work goes to show how much of a difference proper formatting makes to the digestibility...
Top Reviewer
While this script has potential, there are a lot of issues with this script, mainly there is a lack of structure of any kind both in terms of formatting and in terms of plot.
Please, please learn how to correctly format a script as this reads more like a novel. It is also extremely dialogue heavy with little to no stage direction or scene setting meaning I only have the vaguest sense of what the characters are doing and where they are. It’s a...
Top Reviewer
The first task I would give you is to format yours script correctly. I don't know if you're taking screenwriting seriously or it's just a hobby but you want your script to be and easy reader for you readers. If you are trying to get it produced I don't think anyone will take you seriously with the way it looks right now. There are some screenwriting softwares that you could use. I use Final Draft. It takes the worry out of writing but you could a...
I think this would be great if some changes were made, For Example, your script format is wrong; if I were you I’d use a script writing site called Celtx. That way you know it will come out correctly. Next, the way they talk is awkward and doesn’t always make sense; they just use slang to chat. They seem to be a little weird around each other and it just doesn’t flow the way I wish it would. I couldn’t get through the screenplay, because I found...
Top Reviewer
