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#Comedy #Romance #Action/Adventure
A socially-awkward hockey player is forced to relive the day of his championship game over and over again until he wins.
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Approved
Summary
4 Reviews |
107 pages |
4 years ago
|
Draft 6
Price Dumont is a slightly nerdy and socially-awkward hockey player with little to no friends on the team, but has a crush on the most popular girl there. It's the day of the finals and everything goes wrong. From shitty service at lunch to spraining his ankle, he ends up benched and the team loses after all. But then he is caught in the time loop and must relive that same day over and over again until he wins the game, overcomes his social anxiety and, gets the girl.
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Peer Reviews
Hi Hunter,
Nice work. You have a grammar issue with periods. 70% of your sentences lack them. It’s all in your dialogue, the last line, unless it’s a question mark or an exclamation mark, you’re missing periods, all throughout. It must be your software, of which the brand is watermarked in the lower left hand corner of every page: “Created using Celtx.” I would use better software that doesn’t make you advertise on your script for them. It loo...
Top Reviewer
Page 1: I found the paragraph long descriptions of Kent, Price, and Louisiana to be cumbersome. I think you can give us the basic idea of each character in much fewer words.
You also have a line of description where Kent sighs but then you also show us parenthetically that he is sighing. We don’t need both.
Page 2: The dialogue between Kent and Price feels awkward. I’m sure a lot of that is intentional to show how different they are but some li...
Top Reviewer
When looking at the premise, while interesting, it seems like a ripoff of Groundhog Day, with even the screenplay referencing the movie at one point. However, this succeeds as the characterization of the protagonist is different, with him being nerdy and unconfident, which makes it stand out. The characters of Price, Kent, and Lousiana are likable and how they are developed throughout the story also is very impressive. The dialogue also has its m...
Top Reviewer
Stolen or "borrowed" from “Groundhog Day”, Without The Heart Or Style, And With A Predicable Ending.
Concept is "borrowed" or "stolen", depending on your point-of-view, from “Groundhog Day”. That is a black mark against it from the beginning. And, even the rules established by "Groundhog Day" are broken at times. The main character MUST be in every scene, and sometimes he just wanders in after the scene has already begun.
The story is very weak. There's a lot of bickering, poor banter, And many unneeded scenes that provide little or no i...
Top Reviewer
Concept - The concept of the angst ridden teenage outsider who longs to be part of the in crowd is a fairly common one. Even more so when there is a perfect cheerleader type who embodies the cool crowd and acceptance and is all that he really wants. The same day happening over and over again has also been done before, but this time it revolves around a hockey game which is a little different.
Story – The story is a good natured coming of ag...
First things first; water does not go into a wine glass.
I just want to start out by saying that this is a really overdone concept that again offers nothing new or creative. It is essentially ground hog day, furthermore, we don't even find out if he escapes this loop in the end.
Also, referring to the film you are copying isn't the smartest idea.
The dialogue is strange and there isn't many consistent characters.
Louisiana isn't a...
Top Reviewer
Thank you for writing your script, that is the first step. Now please remember to take all of my notes with a grain of salt. That being said this might come across a bit harsh. Reread, rewrite, revise. Make sure a script is polished before you have others read it. Mistakes pull a reader out of the story and can be very distracting. Craft: You have a voice, it was clear to see in the first 20 pages that you knew what you wanted to say. However, I...
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