Interesting. This was by far one of the most interesting scripts I've read in a while. Normally, I would follow up with a detailed page by page analysis but for this one, it'll be different. First off I do not know if you are planning on Directing, Shooting, Acting, Editing, Promoting, Catering, 1st ADing, or anything else for this script. For an industry standard script you would have to cut out all of your Shot Directions. Also, in your Action make sure never to use phrases like, "we move in", "we PAN across", etc. "We" do not do anything. "I" should always be capitalized. HEADINGS EX: INT. ROOM - DAY make sure there is a space before and after your hyphen. Be careful not to make your action and dialogue too blocky. There are points in the script where there is almost no white space and that can be taxing on your readers. Furthermore, I noticed at least three scenes where you have "floating head" conversations. This is where you can break up some of the dialogue by having your characters do something; but must add to the story. You can lose the ACT I, ACT II, ACT III. That is normally only used for theater now a days. Your dialogue was by far the most appealing aspect of this script. You have a wonderful voice and gave each character some real depth by just the way they spoke, I rather enjoyed it. However, your dialogue skills leak into your Action Descriptions. Much of your action is reading like your telling me a stand-up routine. You have a creative, unique voice when it comes to your writing. I don't want to suggest losing that but you must work on honing it and learning how to properly format your scripts. You have a good story underneath far too much, unnecessary, repetitive "action". My last note is to go back through your script and check your spacing, commas, and word selection. While "knocked out at FUCK" made me laugh, the second word in your script "a" should be "an". Don't lose your reader because of your second word. Best of luck, keep on writing!
