The beginning kind of grabs you. A mass killing at a diner. It stops just as the ax comes down again on another would-be victim.
Then, everything becomes quite mundane. A loser at a loser job. Bitter. Bitching. Not really trying to be pleasant, though it's not easy with rotten parents, nasty customers and lazy coworkers. But, the reader must ask: Is Harold the main character? Is he destined to become like Jason or Michael Myers? Or Freddie? Is there a hero somewhere in the story? We don't know. The story is only 16 pages. It's barely set up, with another 75 pages or so yet to be written.
Script readers scream about WHITE SPACE. At least, there aren't gigantic paragraphs with 6-8 lines each. For the most part, paragraphs are kept at three lines or less.
Several screenwriting "rules" are broken. Most notable: Too much of the description (the non-dialogue portion) written in passive voice, not active voice. Which means too many ING words used. Instead of "ROGER (mid 20s),
wearing the same uniform as Harold", it needs to read "ROGER (mid-20s) WEARS the same uniform as Harold. Everything has to be kept in SIMPLE PRESENT TENSE. Delete all the "ING" from all such verbs. It should be an easy fix.
Use of adverbs should be avoided. Along with a search for "ING", do a second search for "LY" and edit or delete the adverbs. Script experts call adverbs an indication of lazy writing.
How can you convey VISUALLY a sarcastic smile? SHOW DON'T TELL. A screenplay is NOT A NOVEL.
How do you SHOW an “"Aw shit, here we go again” look? Describe it, don't state it. Does he rolls his eyes, scoff, look up at the ceiling, purse his lips...?
Harold is IN his room? But, the scene heading never changes from HOUSE. Lazy.
Several times the dialogue is too long, too many complete sentences. Most people speak in phrases, it sounds more natural, less stilted, and flows better for actors.
WAY TOO MANY writer asides and comments, related to the SHOW, DON'T TELL.
Biggest problem is Harold. Even if he becomes the central character, sort of a weird anti-hero like Jason, he should have a GRAIN OF SYMPATHY. He had a rough childhood, but he's portrayed as bitter, surly, disenchanted, and a crybaby. Not someone you could pull for, understand, or even half-justify snapping and becoming a murderer.
Since the screenplay stops, and we already know how it sort of goes on from there, (actually we've known since the fourth page) we don't know exactly how the mayhem starts. Was it a prank gone wrong? Someone finally push Harold's buttons one too many times? Or did he just slip on the costume and grab an axe? I'd have to give an “INCOMPLETE” grade on this.
Finally, there are several typos and probably others I missed. PROOFREAD YOUR WORK. And finish the script.
