I had to re-read this a handful of times in order to figure out what was happening. Maybe I need to try again but I didn't really understand the progression of the story. It would have made more sense if the couple were brought closer together as a result of the gifts of love, but instead they fall further apart. The Christmas morning scene doesn't make much sense either. Why did Santa have to give presents of love to the child if it didn't change her apparent appreciation of the gifts at all? I don't really understand the significance of cupid giving the gifts. This story just didn't make much sense to me. There was no main issue at hand that was overcome, and the one issue that was present was not engaging enough and not relatable enough at all. No two moments in the screenplay seemed relevant to each other. At the end of the day as well, I don't really know anything about the characters in order to feel sympathy for anyone. The characters were really shallow and weren't explored. No character saw any arc whatsoever as well; Santa's mood just improved, he didn't signify any change or difference. The characters need more investment and time and depth.
Okay, I'm going to be frank and admit that I didn't really understand the meaning behind this at all. Perhaps you were trying to say that life can change in the blink of an eye but if that was your aim I still think it could have been done better. These two stories were completely detached for each other and don't even contrast each other in any kind of way. I will also say that there needs to be more character development to show the audience that the audience why these characters are killing themselves. This concept is a bit weak and could use tweaking. People killing themselves is a deep topic and needs more investigating than this. You can achieve this with four pages as well so don't feely you have to write a feature film around this; a short film is able to tackle deep topics. I would just recommend to dig a little deeper, expand. If you are going to show two separate stories, they either need to relate or contrast to each other in some kind of way, especially if they are interwoven like this. Otherwise, you'll just leave your audience confused as to what they're meant to get out of this. Use of contrast can be a lot more effective in terms of getting a message across. Look at 2019's Parasite for an example of how a writer can contrast two separate things in order to convey a deeper meaning. You are able to use dialogue in something like this as well I might add. Being 'artsy' doesn't always mean cutting the dialogue out. Dialogue is your friend and to be used sparingly but you can supplement your meaning through the dialogue. Best of luck with your writing!
I'll address each of the category's accordingly. Concept: The concept is interesting but it doesn't seem to have any pay off, or any underlying message or theme. I would recommend you expand perhaps on the concept and see what else comes out of it. Story: Okay, I'm going to talk a bit about story and structure of the story together. There is nothing evidently clear that the characters want, or need, and this makes for a shallow story where nothing significant really happens. Dan Harmon's circle story structure is a good place to start in devising a screenplay and story that is engaging and makes sense. The protagonist is in a zone of comfort - but they want something - they enter into an unfamiliar situation - they adapt to it - they get what they want - but it comes at a price - they return to their zone of comfort - having changed. Watch this video to see an explanation of this use of story and structure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XGUVkOmPTA You need to establish what your characters want, what the need, the lies they believe in life, the truth regarding those lies. These are things you need to address in order to make for characters that have more depth. And yes, characters in short films are allowed to have depth.
A novice contract killer, an amatuer cop and a series of events the leads them working together. This story explores the world of Australian gang crime from two perspectives with interesting conclusions.