The description is well written and vivid. That is definitely the strong suit of your script and your writing. The idea is simple but solid, but I think the script lacks focus. You introduce and try to give characterization to too many characters. In the end, the characters are never developed beyond a superficial level. The pacing felt slow throughout. From page to page, there was rarely any plot developments that would have kept me reading if I were a producer. The opening scene was very confusing. It seems completely out of place in the script. It would be much more interesting to have an opening scene where we are shown Tony's remarkable pitching talent on display and then from there we can transition directly into his home life. Then we would get the immediate juxtaposition of his passion for baseball as his way out of Katonah followed by the circumstances that are conspiring to keep him trapped there. Tony is an uninspiring protagonist. He rarely makes in positive action toward his goal, even though he talks about it over and over again. Tony should want desperately to play baseball and it should be a struggle for him to give it up. But anytime the slightest obstacle is put in front of him he immediately decides to just quit. Makes him hard to root for. For a story ostensibly about baseball, there is a startlingly lack of baseball. Almost of all of the baseball we get is after the game has ended. We hear about how great Tony is more than we see it. Overall, the script feels stretched out to 120 pages and there isn't really enough story to justify the length.
Page 1: A brief physical description of Caleb and Samuel would be helpful. Ooh, a Junji Ito reference. Love the imagery in his manga. Hopefully, some of that cosmic horror vibe comes through in the script. Page 6: You’ve labeled this as a horror script. So far nothing vaguely scary or unsettling has occurred. It’s standard for the very first scene to establish the horror tone but so far this feels more like a standard coming-of-age drama. I’m already losing interest in this story as a horror script. Page 7: You’ve introduced a lot of characters very quickly (Vicky, Sarah, Russell, Caleb, the other ones who I’ve already forgotten) They are all running together in my mind. They aren’t distinct enough from on another except Russel who’s personality really comes through. I’ve noticed you’ve ALL CAPS a few different words like GREEN TAURUS and VARIETY (as in the magazine I guess). This leads me to believe that these elements have specific significance to the story, but frankly I think you are overusing the convention. Does it really matter if its Variety magazine rather than Vanity Fair or People? Page 8: Sharp Edged Puzzle Box? Is it the Lament Configuration? Is this really a Hellraiser movie?! Page 9: Typo. Heals/heels. Liz’s personality is pretty distinct too which is good. Page 12: First bit of genuine intrigue for me. Caleb and Grace having some past relationship. I get that you are setting up a lot right now but I still feel like the movie hasn’t really started yet and we’re more than 10 pages into the script. Page 18: First jump scare with Russell 18 pages in. Script could definitely use a good scare sooner. I like Dr. Brandt. Definitely some Marquis de Sade vibes. This guy is campy and evil and I like it. Page 19: Bourgie? I guess that’s another way of saying bougie? The tone is finally taking a decidedly horror-like turn which is good. Page 20: I can’t stand Vickie. I hope she dies soon. Page 23: Another interesting development with Dr. Brandt’s patient and the tour of the house is effectively setting up the method of scares and deaths to come Page 27: I found the whole Caleb and Grace conversation to be very awkward. They don’t really have much chemistry and I didn’t understand Caleb’s joke at all. Page 28: Liz is dead isn’t she? Page 29: “Footlose was a zombie movie?” 😊I love Russell. It’s going to be a shame when you murder him. Page 35: scene with Caleb and Nathan is strongest so far. I feel like the stakes have ratcheted up. I’m wondering is the idea is that Dr. Brandt is going to try to force the characters to actually kill the party guests. Page 36: Emma has arrived another interesting development Page 39: Ah, so he’s going to have his patients kill our protagonists. Interesting. Page 40: I had completely forgotten about Caleb’s comic. It feels weird to have that brought back into the story. Page 45: Vickie really is awful and unsympathetic. Page 58: Things are getting spicy now! Russell got knocked off sooner than I would have liked but I knew it was coming. Vicky having killed Russell does make me feel for her but she’s still awful. Also, it felt kind of convenient how she managed to overpower him. Page 62: the Vickie and Emma scene is very well done Page 63: typo. Corridors are ‘lousy’ with guests? And I knew Liz was dead. I called it. Page 64: I have a hard time believing people with debilitating fears of certain creatures would suddenly be so willing to literally murder actual humans to somehow cure that fear. Page 66: Uuh… what was that? Why would Caleb think to do that and why would he believe that it had any chance of succeeding? Page 72: You did try to justify the decision to go back to the mansion but I still don’t buy it. Even if they got to the car garage they would still need a key for a specific vehicle. I don’t see how this maximizes their chance of survival. Page 77: yeah I just don’t buy this explanation. And I’m not really sure why a clown is in the same category as vampires and zombies. Clowns are actually real. Page 80: After coming across as threatening and cunning, Nathan kind of goes out like an idiot in the end. Also, I don’t quite understand how Vickie managed to flank the security guard. Page 83: That sequence with Vickie and Emma was satisfying. I still don’t like Vickie but I’m invested in whatever you plan to do with her character now. Hopefully she becomes our main antagonist. Page 87: Good now I don’t have to feel bad about hating Vickie! She makes a good villain. Though, I’m not quite sure I buy her turn from fed up failing actress to straight up serial killer on a purely logical level (it still feels like a leap), I go with it. Page 87: come on Grace, Vicky obviously isn’t dead. Page 90: So the more I think about it the less Brandt’s philosophy and the main plot conceit makes sense to me. He wants to cure successful people of their phobias to the point of enabling them to murder people to do it, but why? Clearly their phobias aren’t inhibiting them from being extremely successful. What does he think will happen if the guy cures his fear of zombies? He’ll be ‘even more’ extremely successful? And it makes less since in the case of people who are afraid of the vampires and zombies because ultimately these things don’t actually exist so when would this fear ever be pertinent in real life. It seems the solution for them is just not to watch Twilight or The Walking Dead. Page 93: At this point things are becoming so hectic and noisy that the horror vibe is fading away and the filming is evolving into a straight up action flick. Also, I don’t believe Vickie has the strength to cleave someone clean in half even is she has a machete. Seriously, people are having sex during a freaking massacre?! So there still seem to be quite a few guests alive. I can’t really keep track of just how many people are here. I felt like Vickie had basically taken all of the guests out but I guess not. Page 94: Why hasn’t he already looked at the security footage? Page 95: I don’t really buy Dr. Brandt’s grief over his son. We literally never saw them interact, and the only context we have of for the relationship is Nathan describing how he traumatized him as a child. Page 97: Bullets don’t make liquor bottles catch fire Page 98: Everyone runs out of bullets at the same time. How convenient. Also, why wouldn’t the remaining guards just rush him? Caleb’s out of bullets, even with a bat they can overwhelm him. Page 100: Not that modern firearms are especially complicated tools, but I still feel like Caleb is more competent with one than he should be being that all I know of him is that he’s a sometimes actor who also draws manga. Yeah this has basically become Die Hard at this point. Page 101: Sorry for being a gun dork, but you’re making the classic clip vs. magazine mistake. Page 102: Okay , I this point I don’t care how far away from civilization they are, there is a full scale firefight going on here. This would definitely attract attention. Page 103: Finger shouldn’t be too tight on the trigger or else you know he’ll be spraying bullets everywhere Page 106: Did I miss something? What’s causing the pool water to drain? I don’t understand how Caleb escaped the pool with Keegan Page 107: why on Earth is Keegan so determined to kill them? What’s his motivation at this point? Page 111: Brandt’s speeches are really tedious at this point. Whatever depth in the character has already been used up. Now he’s annoying Page 112: Again the dialogue is really heavy-handed Page 115: Even though I knew she wasn’t dead, it still feels like you pulled this turn of events out of thin air *Enjoyed it overall. The setup is slow and it took a while before the first real scare. By the end of Act 1 everything is in place for a compelling thriller and you do provide a handful of interesting plot developments. I jus think a lot of plot elements don't connect well enough. this felt more like a collection of cool moments and ideas than a complete story where every part connects to the other. And as I mentioned earlier, about 90 pages in the script really pivots from genuine horror to a pseudo action-thriller *The 3rd act really dragged on. The story really loses steam once Vickie seemingly dies. The script feels about 20 pages too long *Russell never really got a humanizing moment like the rest of our cast got. Would have been nice. *Ultimately, Brandt’s motivations aren’t quite coherent enough to get me through the script without questioning it. *Can’t make any sense of Caleb’s and Grace’s relationship. You imply early on that they have some prior relationship but its never mentioned again. *Didn’t feel much impact from the ending. It jus sort of ended.
After a series of self-proclaimed visions, an ambitious DEA agent conscripts a group of felons to bring down a cartel of aspiring rappers.