Concept- Great use of an underused period of time and location. Very little stories show history from a Spanish oriented POV around this period of time. I enjoyed being able to see a well known event such as the Alamo being told from a different point of view and I think that audiences will as well. Story- Again, much the same as your concept, I think the story is incredibly unique and engaging. Very well done. I think that the story overall would benefit from fleshing out the characters a bit more and giving each one their own voice but I will discuss that when we get to dialogue. Structure- Your formatting, on the whole, is very solid. I would advise you to keep you transitions to a minimum however. I noticed several instances of "FADE IN" and "FADE OUT" being used. While this isn't necessarily a bad thing, it is a slightly outdated style. My biggest gripe however came from your scene slugs. Whenever the time of day changes in the scene, it is still necessary to provide the ENTIRE slug rather than just LATER which I found come up several times. I completely understand the logic in the way you did these scenes, however it did make for a slightly confusing read at first until I realized what was happening. Character Development- This is an area that could use a bit more work. I could see as the script progressed, your style becoming more refined, however more work should be done on developing characters early and giving them their own unique voice. Flesh them out more and give them personalities. Doing so will add a whole new layer of relatability and heart to your over all story. Dialogue- In the same vain as character development, more work can be done here. Try to find each characters unique voice. Write each character in a way that the reader wouldn't need to read the character cue to know who is talking. Listen to the way other people speak and the subtle differences in speech, word choice and verbal ticks. Doing this will help round out your characters. You should be proud of what you have accomplished with this draft. It was a truly enjoyable read and I would love to see this see the light of day. Best of luck in all your endeavors.
A majority of my concerns with this script stem from it being structured as a TV show rather than a feature. I will touch on that in a bit. It's clear that a lot of time and thought has gone into crafting this world. Your concept is fantastic. It feels original and has just the right amount of weirdness to it. I feel like there are shades of Sandman and other gothic horror elements at work in addition to the religious ones. Well done. While on the whole, your dialogue is quick and engaging, I struggled with Silas's lines the most. His given age is 20s however there are lines of dialogue that seem as if they come from someone much younger and others where he sounds much older. It lacked the consistency of your other characters. While this could have been purely and artistic and plot driven choice, it bares mentioning. Your formatting seems to be on point. I will say that having bold slugs is a bit unnecessary but I'm nitpicking at that point. Now, for my concerns with the structure. As I said before, it seems like there was a lot lot love that went into crafting this world, however I have concerns about how well it would work as a TV show. I think this type of setting would lend itself much better to a feature instead. Yes, that would mean potentially trimming your story down, however it may grab audiences more as a feature. There seems to be a lot of strange elements in this pilot and I would be worried about asking the views to swallow a lot. Obviously, it is not my place to say this, and it may not be the type of feedback that you look for when it comes to a screenplay but it was the first thing I thought of both times I read this. I would watch this movie, the TV might be too much.
Writer, this screenplay has come leaps and bounds from the first time I read it. You’ve done a fantastic job cleaning out the characters a bit more. I particularly enjoyed the interplay between Russel and his sister. I think a bit more work can be done showing rather than telling however. Early on in the script you TELL the reader that the kids are bored. Think of this in terms of a movie and SHOW us how they are bored. Are they doodling? Are they passing notes? Show don’t tell. The last thing I think this script could use is just a tight polish. Take a look at your action chunks and imagine them as shots in the film. You may find that there are a few chunks that you want to break up to show an implied change of shot for the director to clue in on. Good for thought. Other than that, great work, this has come miles since the last time I read it.
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