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Wanna See

short

By Dan Harris
Thriller,Horror,Drama

A woman running away from an abusive relationship holds a secret but so does the hotel she finds herself in.

Approved

Winner
Draft #2

Nominee
Draft #1

Peer Rating: 73%

Industry Rating: N/A

Draft 3: 73%

Draft 2: 87%

Draft 1: 25%

1 Reviews | 13 pages | 2 years ago | Draft 3

My story is an Alfred Hitchcock inspired thriller called 'When the bell jangles." It tells the story of a young woman named 'Jane' who is running away from an abusive relationship. This leads her to a secluded hotel for the night in which she discovers a dead body. In her desperate attempt to remain under the radar she covers it up on a series of actions which complicate her situation further.

The story tackles the subject of domestic abuse and how far an individual will go to escape it. Voyeuristic techniques seen in many of Hitchcock's films are used add to the suspense of the story and for the audience to question the characters motives.

A woman on the run arrives at a scarcely populated hotel, what will she find.

Overall I think this is a strong script, the biggest issue I have is that the premise is "Psycho" verbatum, I would recommend maybe actually having Jane be starting her first day at the job, and planning on squatting in the hotel maybe, because I think the on the run aspect works nicely.

I took notes as I read.

Page 1
The script immediately creates fantastic atmosphere and tension.
Page 2
Fantastic non-verbal storytelling, Jane feels lik...

1 year ago | read more...

Caleb Densman

As a woman runs from an abusive relationship, she stops at a quiet hotel that holds a secret.

I think this script is written really well and I enjoyed how you would use the same expressions, and sounds to connect different parts of the story. I also enjoyed how the whole script put me off edge. It really built an atmosphere and made the story seem very real. I think the characters were well developed and there were no unnecessary details that would complicate filming but not drive the story forward. The protagonist really made me feel for...

1 year ago | read more...

Sophie Leonard

Jane escapes from a abusive relationship and runs into hotel a which can be described as "SEEMS NOT NORMAL"

The script really holds the reader. It really maintains the suspense and the thrill throughout the script. The script had questions like "Why the man is hiding in the cupboard?" and the reader wants the answers to those so badly. I liked the non-linear way in which the audience are given information about jane's past and those flashbacks are placed in the perfect situation. And the script has got its own style and the reader could feel it, like t...

1 year ago | read more...

siddarthan krishna kumar

Jane stops in at a hotel to escape her past and ends up repeating it.

Jane's motivation to leave her abusive husband is clear, but why she pretends to work at the hotel and cover up a murdered young woman is not. Right there, in the story, you have a problem because her decision to stay and hide the body isn't believable. She's supposed to be on the run at this point, why is she staying? Mr. Harrington doesn't add anything to the story and is a little out of place, his appearance causes the pace to suffer. Why does...

1 year ago | read more...

Timothy Boissey Top Reviewer

Jane escapes to a hotel from an abusive relationship and ends up in a similar situation

I love the description of the scenes. You described them vividly enough that I could picture them inside my head. There are somethings that don't make any sense to me though. We get that Jane is on the run from here abusive husband and she stops in a hotel. She wanders and finds a dead body that she had nothing to do with. Why is she trying to cover it up like she's the one that killed her? Why is she faking like she is just the receptionist? I t...

1 year ago | read more...

Denzel Robertson

A woman takes the nightshift of a co-worker at a hotel only to find herself with a murder on her hands.

No need to repeat the slugline location in your action block. I'd recommend removing the word "hotel" in the first paragraph. Also, remember scripts are written in ACTIVE VOICE and PRESENT TENSE. As someone who analyzes scripts once told me, remove "We hear. we see" type of phrases. This is redundant in an action sequence that shows and tells your audience.
"The sounds of a struggle increases in volume behind a closed office door. A reception d...

1 year ago | read more...

mike harper

A woman escaping a husband comes across a hotel with a sinister secret

NOTE: All of my notes are for improving your writing skills, not for bashing and criticizing you.

When the writer mentions that this script is based on the works of Alfred Hitchcock in the style, that's what got my attention to read this script. I don't know if the writer is inexperienced or if I set my expectations too high, but the script fell very flat for me. Here are my thoughts:

1. Concept - There's not very much originality here. A w...

1 year ago | read more...