I'm just a simple man. I work, I raise six sons, and I love my island wife hard. I go day by day fighting off the specter of battles both from my youth in Chicago to the battlefields in the Middle East. I abide by strong Catholic Christian core beliefs to love and accept even the folks that I'd want to throw piranas in their face and let their bodies lie in a pool filled with killer vampire gummi bears. I am nowhere near an aspiring writer nor want to enter the fray of the film industry. I would just like to one day see something on the big screen and say the same thing I did in countless places around the world...I made that. =) I have a hidden hobby of screenplay writing or jotting down creative ideas that may one day be passed along or found in a glass bottle floating in the sea. If by chance money can come my way from a poor script, I would be satisfied. As much as one can be swinging in a hammock by the side of the beach on a warm day with a cold glass of iced tea in hand. Thus, I am a simple man. Honor, noble, and a side of wickedness that comes out from time to time to keep life interesting and not boring.
The formatting and pacing is well done. There are a couple of details that can be easily fixed. For example, "spanish" is with a capital S. Watch for passive wording. "is wailing" needs to be "wails", "He starts crying" needs to be "He cries.", "is screaming," to "screams". There are minor spelling errors that can be easily taken care of, "Actiavting". Overall, I liked the story and pacing. It really drew me into your film. the mystery of the blue pills, the hierarchy of women. I was curious about why their fleet is so spread out if there is a legion of men left in the world- then who are they in conflicts with? Other women ruled nations? WHen Avery nabbed Lavender it was a great twist as you did a good job on misdirection. I viewed Avery as working for theQueen, until that point of the film. Krista's death was shocking and gut-punched. Well done! The dialogue pacing meandered a bit when Lavendar witnesses Krista's death and the group speaks about what's next. The flashback of the sexual assault of the Teen girl by a man came out of the left field. Is this the queen when she was younger? Who had the flashback, Constance? If so, link the action of her staring unfocused out the window and the memory flash. It will give context to the queen's tears. Four women to take down the regime without support is a tough feat, but the action sequences were nice and tight. I had a thought similar to "Equilibrium" (2002) movie. I love the fact that a great portion of your script passes the Bechdel-Wallace Test. Empowering and providing the wonderful female representation. The romantic scene with Lavender and Krista on the roof and led to the following morning was tasteful and gave me (a male) no inappropriate erotic thoughts other than two human beings loving one another in a relationship. I was curious to want to know how did they meet? What's the back story of a Duchess and a barkeep? When Lance mentions Constance's infertility it took me out of the movie for a moment. Why is it when men speak of women and whether they are a mother to a child it comes down to her womb? Maybe you can redirect that part by saying he knows for a fact she's not the birth mother and go with that string of thought. Lavender's repititive "normal, happy life" is either her quirk or overdone. The build-up to the final act was good. Mindful that the queen is a badass needs more context. How does a biochem genius such as Constance become a formidable warrior? The sacrifice at the end was good.
Verify all your format spacing and tab spacing. Scene heading #1 was indented. Also, when doing a heading (also known as slugline), keep it as generalized as possible. No need say which room in the slugline. That tidbit of information goes into the action/description bloc. Furthermore, NEVER repeat what is in your scene heading in the action block; the exception is to have the reader focus on something critical for the plot/story. I recall reading one of your earlier drafts. You’ve improved the pacing. A bit of house-cleaning on formatting and avoid the passive tense voice. An example is “is wearing” which can be written as “wears”. Relook at your sentence tab spacing. “PARAMEDIC 2 Samir 25 years. He’s conscious and responsive but took a” was indented way too far. A final note, SHOW don’t TELL. There are spots where you tell the reader, not the viewing audience who doesn’t read the script, “opposition president”. How in Sahar’s actions can we determine this fallen leader is her enemy? This is a decent concept for a short film.
Two to the chest, one to the head. Hoorah. Lead, follow, get out of the way all day, every day. Hostile, mobile, lethal. These are common refrains when I was active duty. I can remember most of the Jody's. I have tattoos of EVERY BASE, EVERY DEPLOYMENT, EVERY LOCATION, and EVERY ENGAGEMENT in my mind and soul. I cry every time I watch movies like "Thank You For Your Service" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50LQGcb5knE), "Hurt Locker", "Brothers" (2009) and "American Sniper". My personal note is to make sure you get military details right and avoid drama by the numbers. The tv/movie business is flooded with shows with conspiracies, shadowy missions, experiments on soldiers, and PTSD-war survivors. I'd suggest if you want a police procedural with a realistic take on two soldiers - former a cop, the latter a confessed murderer - then show us the overwhelming facial expressions of their internal turmoil. Dialogue of "man", "brother" is not part of the majority of military personnel. Flip the script. For example, watch the webisodes "Lauren" on WIGS (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKYfdO5LFDs). What if in a scenario like that the victim killed her assailant once they returned from service. Not an N.C.I.S. style, but more aligned with the gritty tone in your script. The beat detective is the C.I.D. officer who discounted her assault/rape report (see "Lauren"). The victim-killer seeks the detective and confesses. Now, this leads to the former C.I.D. officer to debate, do I do what is moral/justifiable right or do what is legal and by law turn the killer in. The former choice leads to removing a mistake from their soul. The latter choice will expose that mistake and lead to detrimental consequences. Your script structure is correct, the pacing was average, but the characters were two-dimensional. For a short film or a pilot show, grab the viewer in the first 2- 3 minutes. I was able to visualize the body and the room. I didn't come to know the victim's personality through the room. Are there curtains or blinds on the window? Is the rug patterned? What's the condition and type of the furniture - modern,, classic, vintage? The law enforcement read straight from an uninteresting book to me. That's the truth. Make them our neighbor, someone we always see on patrol. Tie us through dialogue and their actions to be somebody we know or can relate to. Hope my feedback helps.
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