MY OVERALL FEED BACK. WHAT I DID NOT LIKE: a) DESCRIPTION - In the opener. Your told us & did not show us in some portion of your description. For example: You telling us the greystone psychiatric hospital. You tell us about how it used to be a torturing place. I think this should be ommited. Write what we can hear n see in the screenplay. Not what happened. b) CONFLICTS -The conflicts were a bit flat. Yes you set out a double conflict. His fight with his inner demons and the doctor. But I feel the conflict should have been more intense. E.g.. I expected more intense fight between Justin n the voices. For example: they are forcing him to eat the food which he believes it's poisoned. He doesn't obey their command. ( this sounds better). Now his choice not to obey the voice complicates. He is seriously thirsty and hungry. Then it complicate further when he sees a fellow patient that takes drugs on an empty stomach go in syncope. This makes him judge. Take a risk. Both directions he takes can be fatal. He eats he dies or take meds he dies. This intrigues us more and sympathize with our main characters quest to survive. c) STRUCTURE - I didn't like it. I expected the inciting incident and the major turning point but did not see any at the expected time frame. Here is how I could have done. Am not trying to change your story in any way. OPENING IMAGE: - Just like you introduced. HOOK - When Justin witnesses the murder of the patient. @ page 5-10. INCITING INCIDENT - When Justin discovers that there is a list or order on how the murders will be done FIRST MAJOR TURNING POINT - When he finds the paper and discovers that his pregnant girlfriend and him are next. Like that. WHAT I LIKED - The concept and story was okhy. - The opener - Doctor Eric's subtext dialogue and his lie OTHERS - Please get back to me on how you found my review. Contact me: +260975483789 Watsapp or email Chisweshaisaac287@gmail.com Thank you. Continue with great work

In conclusions you need to revise your work. I fouñd that the concept was okhy. It is something that can get some audiences. However the story did not do quite well for me. The characters did not look convincing enough for me. I think some struggled in their own story. This was due to the dialogue which I think for me was the most poorly executed element in the screenplay. All the characters pretty much sounded the same. Each character must have atleast a recognised voice. Also there were huge chunks of dialogue which was more than five lines. Eish. It was like I was reading a speech. Keep the dialogue short as possible. It must be fast yet kill the emotions and character development. You can do so by breaking them with an action line. Another thing is that the structure was not into shape. Follow the 3 act structure and lay the beets nicely. The dramatic question is vital when writing any story more so that this is a series. Each episode must give us to ask a question that leads to a characters objective or goal. I believe u are a good writer. Dont rush in finishing an episode but rather ensure that you finish the story beets. Good luck and God bless u.

I'll be honest. It's a script worth to produce but however it needs to be retouched. In most cases you forgot to show. You told us almost everything. The rule is that if it's not on screen. Cut it out. Write only what we can see. I'll give an example of the opening scene. Where are told that Idunn just received a letter. We don't see that. U could have maybe show a delivery man pass a letter n then she feels great about it. Also it's not clear why our characters relationship ended. It was really unrealistic for Idunn to come back n just confront Andrea if she slept with Victor. Atleast u could have inserted things like she comes back to find a sex tape or something. Most of the things in the story were told n not shown. Another example we are told that Olivia was a compassionate nurse in the description. U were supposed to show it. Add a photo of her in a nurse uniform. Anything that can show us she a retired nurse. Accompanied by her behaviour. We can have an idea that she must have been A good nurse.

WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE ¤ At the beginning URI writes on a card to her grand ma. Takes it to the hospital. She looks calm. But however we are told that she was told that her grand ma was seriously sick. It made me wonder if she truly loved her grand mother. ☆ WHAT YOU CAN DO. - Take or leave it. I suggest that you start with a killer. Introduce us to URI. she is calm. Taking care of flowers. May be a gardener breaks the flower pot. She gets furious with him because she loves flowers. Nice punch right? Then she receives an emergency call that her mother is sick so she rashes quickly. That would engage the audience. ¤ In the scene where URI finds CORE behind the house. - I didn't see the image. All I knew was in the backyard but I could see the size, surrounding, was it dark that you can't see? How was it? Did URI recognise her neighbour immediately? Also was so passive in that scene. She just watched them argue on her premises without doing anything. We couldn't see her reaction. It would have been better if you described her facial expressions or better confront Kate. One more thing is that was there a wire fence or opaque kinda wall fense?? - in the scene when she calls the police. Does she see them outside or inside. How does it all happen? Please make it clear. ¤ When her phone rings. She does not answer but we hear the doctor speak. It must have read: Her phone RINGS. She peaks it up almost immediately. It's the DOCTOR on phone. WHAT I LIKED - It's a good story - you tried to give us some conflict - I began to feel for URI

In conclusions: A) follow the rule of screenplay. Dont tell - SHOW. Eg: pg1- The last description read:- As the fight was at its last round, their both managers shouting loudly to advice and encourage their fighter. ☆ You clearly told us but didn't show. Remember. In screenplay you only write what you see and hear. Not what a character thinks. How you could have shown: EG:- A pretty brown woman goes round with a card. The card reads: Round 5. BELL RINGS.NEM and DAVE begin thier fight. Their MANAGERS yell. MANAGER Come on! Finish the fight. In this way you've clearly shown us. B) ACTION - The action is written in present tense. Eg: - Gets the gun and shoots. -Keep action lines short. Powerful. C) CAMERA ANGLES AND TRANSITIONS leave them out. Some transition didn't match. D) THE STORY It was not believable that NEM entered the competition without a drug test. A story must be believable. Also the story may be should have been that the test was done but after that. Dave sent some people to drug him. Then request for a retest after the fight. They find new with drugs n disqualify him. That sounds better. Also the courtroom session were not properly done. I suggest u research on how a court sessions is done and who are involved. Also the story of Dave being killed. Eish. I was expecting Nem to fight Dave in the end to reclaim his title but Dave decides to die. Gosh. Overal the concept is there. But you need to learn a lot about script writing. Read more script. Dont be offended. I just want you to be a good writer and see your story out there.