I was born in Italy and arrived in the United States at the age of three. My family settled in Chicago for a couple years, then moved to the southwest suburb of Hickory Hills where I lived until I joined the Air Force. My parents enrolled me in Catholic School for the entire eight years of elementary school. It had the opposite effect they intended. I was uncomfortable with the apparent androgyny of the abusive nuns. I was mortified by the graphic descriptions of the suffering of the one they call Jesus. I was put off by the incessant indoctrination of the religion through almost every subject. However, I am not an atheist. After graduating public high school, I was admitted to the University of Illinois, Chicago for architecture. I earned a professional degree in 1981. With a twenty-seven percent unemployment rate among architects with degrees, I applied and was accepted to United States Air Force Officer Training School where graduation resulted in a commission as a second lieutenant. I stayed in the Air Force until I was granted an honorable discharge as part of a reduction in force in 1995. After sixteen years of working my way up to principal level in a major global firm, I applied to the United States Army Corps of Engineers in 2012. I am a design manager responsible for the quality and completeness of design projects for construction valued at just under one billion dollars for bases in the Middle East. I have the pleasure of living in rural West Virginia where my wife, our adopted grandson, and our two older rescue mutts work and play on six acres of woods, high grass, and wild flowers. My first novel, The Disclosure Paradox was published late October 2019. It continues to receive high ratings and excellent reviews on Amazon and Goodreads. There are approximately four hundred copies in circulation – mostly as e-books. This second novel is actually a prequel to the first novel.
It is unfair for me to review this script because gratuitous violence, gore, and constant profanity never appealed to me, so there is a bias here, I will try to be as objective as possible. The script begins at a tolerable level of violence, feeling campy at some points. Then it seems with every new scene, the writer tries to outdo the previous scene with gore and profanity. Every character cusses the most vile phrases - even the women. I feel this weakens the impact of the profanity and weakens the individuality of the character. It appears the writer strives for a bit of dark humor as well. On page 21 - there is a reference to Forever 21. The store will be closing soon. This dates the script. There is a giant that terrorizes the city - Gargantuo. I question using any name for the creature. page 33 - The character introduced himself in a previous scene. It appears that the writer was using the bad-ass mobster cliche to model the demons. I think something more imaginative would draw more interest. Satan has a cell phone? I found that out of place. Page 40 - there are grammatical errors in Satan's lines. There is a reference to 'millennials' . I think using something related to a trait would be more effective. The flashback in page 45 is gruesome - stretching the envelope of acceptable. After a while I found the violence mentally exhausting, and disliked it more with every page. My suggestion is that this could be a cult classic if you made it an animated feature film using a technique similar to that used in the masterpiece, Loving Vincent. Perhaps mixing live action backgrounds with animated characters and props. As I mentioned, this kind of story would not appeal to me in the first place, but the comments I make should give you pause to think. I hope reviewers that enjoy this kind of story get to review and give this script feedback from another perspective.
There are many more positives than negatives in this review. The negatives are not critical and can be solved. I liked the international flavor with scenes presented all over the world. All characters are strong and well developed. At first, I was put off by the sub-titles, but I eventually understood them to enforce the international aspect of this story. The following points are detailed, referring to specific pages and concerns. In creating something, nothing is wrong, but I have questions and points. There are words that are capitalized which are normally, not capitalized (page 14, 15) On page 15, the first Miami Vice reference was cute. The second one appeared forced. You could say something like, "the 80's called, and they want the wardrobe back". Page 21 - Elsa is 16 year old college girl? Is that a European thing? Page 27 - 'spartan-looking' is not the normal wording. Simply, 'spartan' is sufficient. But a better, accurate description of what you are setting is "Japanese minimalist design'. In addition, to accentuate the style, the use of one singular Bonsai tree will suffice. Trust me. I'm an architect. Page 33 - 'spock-like' is repeated. Page 38 - a bit too graphic in my opinion. Page 41 - Everyone knows Prague. Page 56, 60 Is awoken a word? I wonder if people will question Elsa suddenly losing her mechanical self just to get her brother shot. I thought her programming was flawless. Most buildings with high value targets like supreme courts are fit with 'man barriers' in chases and duct shafts and there never are ladders in those things A vertical shaft is normally designed at the center of the plan to help distribute branches evenly. I thought action lines are only supposed to describe what the viewers see. (page 65) page 66 how can something be modest and awe-inspiring? I would edit that. Also, be careful not to date the story with current events. Page 91 - There is a repeat description of the castle. Page 105 - Bringing Elsa and Erik's parents into the story at this point without word about them earlier appears contrived.
I don't get the title. The story is riveting, compact, having one on the edge. The characters are relevant, believable, and their situations are believable too. I strongly recommend you spend time to re-read and edit. I have recorded where I found errors that were typographical. I have some other comments. page 6 - you are missing a word in the action line after SYLVIE. If you are going to use a foreign language, would it be good to have subtitles? there are two other action lines on this page with errors. try, "logo from its former life is ghosted through the cheap paint job.' page 7 - add a comma after 'her'. I don't know what you are trying to describe in the last sentence. You may want to put quotes around the coffee cup text. The last line form GRACE is missing something. page 10 - is this procedure accurate? GRACE line is missing a word. There is no need to double-space after a period. That is a relic from when there were typewriters. page 12 - missing a word from the Jetta scene. page 14 - RITA should be left instead of let. Life is short...should that be in quotes? I applaud the juxtaposition of the two households by describing the meal. well done. The part about the pills in the open house - How is Sylvie dressed? I would think her appearance would warrant suspicion. page 16 - do you know how much a car battery weighs? page 23 - last line needs better wording. page 31 - GRACE line need correction. page 47 - COFFEE RESTROOM DAY check the first line. page 53 - I was feeling tense about Dallas -- would he try to hurt them here. page 59 - RITA lines. page 84 - first action lines. page 87 - last action line from PETE's CAR MOVING page 96 - She kisses his hand - right?
A UFO researcher accompanies a psychic Native American woman on a cross-country trip that evolves into a rescue from a malevolent race of aliens.