I could write three different reviews on this screenplay. I’ll start with describing my first impressions from reading the beginning of the story. The concept is engaging. The story has a surreal spiritual quality. At first, I imagined it could be made into a unique animated film. The White Space and the creatures are presented well, being a strength in the screenplay. The whole white space scene with creatures is only limited by the writer’s imagination. Introducing the main character’s depression is also a strong theme. As a film, I recognize a lot of potential, using metaphor and juxtaposition, going beyond telling a story, and making it a work that will cause people to think deeply. The mask, for example, can be a symbol for something – is it beneficial for the humans, or does it hinder some sort of necessary personal challenge?
I strongly recommend removing any cuss words. These people are well educated, well mannered, and the story rises above the casual everyday life. Emphasizing the character’s individuality from common people will further strengthen what is presented.
The fact that most of the screenplay is about two characters can be rich. The conflicts between Hua and Kay are positive pieces to this story. The way Hua is told about and introduced to Eve is also a strong part of the screenplay.
When Kay first begins drawing, it could be an inspiring and emotional scene. Show him with an outpouring of emotion – dancing perhaps as he draws. His creations physically affecting him, so much possibility to give this scene expression and feel.
The pirate ship scenario was also a plus in the script. The ending was well done.
Somewhere near the end, the screenplay weakens where Hua explains to Kay how to use social media to promote his work. There are two concepts here that should be edited or removed. The first, is the use of a trapping of materialism, the antithesis of spirituality. I find the whole segment of Hua teaching her father the ins and outs of using social media out of place and worse, using a stereotype in story that is beyond the typical. He’s a doctor. He’s intelligent. At least the writer should consider toning down the tutorial.
It took me some time to figure out was going on in the end. I think there is mention earlier about the puppeteers. Perhaps a bit more information and a visual would allow the audience to retain that existence which shows up at the end.
Some details:
A scalpel would not be used to take out a magnet unless the magnet attaches to it.
There is an explanation to Hua about Kay’s depression. It is a repetition of a series of voice overs. Someone told me to avoid such repetition. Pg 26
Pg 32 ‘Hua is starting at the CAMERA’ – what camera?
Pg 39 and pg 40 ‘advise’ should be ‘advice’
If Andrej speaks Russian, there is a technique to have the person speak in Russian with subtitles. Indicate the foreign language in another color of text.
Pg 49 typographic error – WHTIE
Pg 62 ‘too’ should be ‘to’
Pg 80 ‘of’ should be ‘had’ this also appears on pg 49. Kay is a doctor. He should speak the language perfectly.
Pg 82 What is a warm picture?
