Very well written script with little to no errors, good concept, great character development and action. Concept: Its a good concept with a nice spin on the idea of being locked in a location with crazed killers. I really enjoyed the idea of a crazy psychologist attempting to "treat" his patients by having them kill their fears. It takes the "facing fear to overcome it" to another level which is novel and interesting. It was a well executed concept. Story: The story is excellent. There were no real loose ends and almost every scene served a purpose to move the story along. The characters are believable and had depth and feeling, you really get a sense of their driving motivations and their development. Locations throughout the story work well for each scene and also give hints to future events, such as the rooftop pool. Each component of the story was nicely weaved together. I enjoyed the ending, great place to leave things, it has a nice riding off into the sunset feel. Structure: Not a whole lot to say about structure. Bang on all round, very easy to read. The action lines were all the right length and offered great pacing and the dialogue was nicely organized as well. There was no over used repetitive actions either which was great! Every action sequence felt like a shot in and of itself which made it an excellent well paced read. No slug lines, dialogue, beats or anything out of place, very nice. No spelling or grammar issues that I could see. Character Development: A lot of the character development was good. You get a great sense of the characters and their backgrounds which really helps to up the ante when they start getting bumped off. The scene where we hear the voicemail left for Liz by her husband and child was a great touch. I think that the most impressive part of the character development was how we are introduced to each characters background, hopes and dreams. It really gives the reader and a viewer something to anchor on to which creates dread and tension when they end up coming to a gruesome demise. The only character that felt a little lacking was Caleb, we get a sense of who he is and why he is there but no real sense of development. It might be an idea to give him a flaw or trait early on that he has to overcome or work through in order to survive the situation besides just the external conflict going on. There is the general theme of Rich VS Poor and whose lives hold more value but you don't get a sense that it is Calebs battle to fight, he's just there to survive. Maybe a fear Caleb has that he ends up facing and defeating, or a more personal stake in the value of life theme, something to give him more of an arc. Dialogue: The dialogue was excellent. Lots of background and information is given out without being too on the nose and without having a ton of exposition. You learn who the characters are by the way they talk, each one has a distinct voice and comes across as an individual. Very nice job with the dialogue. Overall its fantastic. Love the whole thing and I would definitely watch this. Nice work.
Its a really interesting idea and an entertaining read. I personally haven't read or seen anything like it before, if I'm understanding the concept properly its a new take on possession, loss of faith and redemption. Concept: Its a great concept, while a lot of these types of movies rely on the Exorcist as a guide this one takes the idea of demons and possession and gives it a place as opposed to just a body. I would safely place this in a High Concept category. The idea that a church is possessed is really novel and the fact that it is never explicitly called a Demon except in reference to the characters belief systems gives it a nice twist. Makes you wonder about the general idea of good vs evil especially when the Nothing believes itself to be good and so do the people fighting against it. Really nice execution of the overall concept as well. The idea gets explained through the actions of the characters and dialogue. Story: The story is good. It tracks nicely and is fairly easy to follow. All the elements are there and it is well written. It leaves just enough for the reader to wonder what might be coming up and then delivers answers nicely through action and dialogue. Some of the religious components are a little dry but in the context of the story and the characters I'm not too sure how else they could be made more exciting. That is something that could play out well depending on the direction and the actors involved. Structure: Bang on, everything is where it needs to be and is paced nicely. It is a decent length depending on how the action sequences would play out I estimate it would have a running time of an hour and twenty to maybe an hour and 40 min. Perfect for a feature. There are some minor spelling and grammar mistakes but they aren't glaringly obvious. Character Development: There is some nice character development especially with Paul, you really get a sense of his struggle with drinking and his need to protect his family. Doms development seems somewhat flat, his struggle for answers and with his faith doesn't seem to get answered, quite the opposite he is left more angry and confused then he started. Perhaps this was done on purpose? The existential horror of not knowing his purpose outweighs the horror of everything the Nothing could throw at him? A viewer might need more clarification on his journey. Dialogue: The dialogue is great. It allows us to find out each characters struggles and motivations with out being full of exposition.
I really enjoyed this script. I watch and read a lot of horror and one thing the genre seems to avoid is something like this. Its a really solid idea that could be implemented really easily, and cheaply. Fantastic use of a single setting. There are very few spelling and grammar errors, which is nice. Excellent use of sound and darkness to convey the feeling of hopelessness the characters are facing. Concept: Very creative concept. The main characters are criminals so you get that whole vibe of rooting for the bad guy that you want to see in a horror movie. Love the idea of bugs being the bad guy, you don't see that too often in the genre and it makes the whole "stuck in a house with a killer" idea fresh and new. Not to mention plenty of people have a fear of bugs. So all in all its a solid concept that is well executed. I know of a few people who would jump just thinking about being trapped in a house with hungry bugs. Story: Again its a great execution of the story. You come to an understanding of what the child murderer is up to and the motivations of the three criminals. You also learn what is happening in the house without being told too much of why it is happening and in horror that is key. The unknown is king and lets the viewers imagination run wild with what could be happening. I also really love that you never actually see what is lurking in the dark. The only change I would have made is maybe after learning that Davids daughter was murdered and he did time for killing the murderer we find out that he had killed the wrong person and that Mr. Susjevowitz was actually behind his daughters death. This might help to amplify his struggle and create some more tension and emotion with him attempting to escape and destroy the house. Structure: Good structure overall. You have everything where it need to be. Typically I would break up the rooms and scenes with a simple HALLWAY or BATHROOM when entering a new part of the same location to help the flow for the reader but I am torn with that one here since essentially the whole script takes place in one location. It might make it easier for someone to read as a spec script but as a shooting script it might need the slug lines to help figure out a scene breakdown. You avoided direction which is great, no camera angles or that kind of thing. The only real structural change I would make is to try and make the action sequences pop a little more with some better action verbs or more creative ways to describe stuff like the characters going up stairs. it just makes for an easier read for example instead of "ryan climbs the stairs" maybe go with "Ryan FLIES up the stairs". The script is a bit short but it is action heavy so at 60 some pages it might end up being too short as a feature. Maybe add some more scenes, a bite more back and forth on the decision to come back or something just to bring it into the 70ish page area. Dialogue: Good dialogue, not a lot of forced exposition. It all feels natural and you get a sense of who these people are and what their history might be. Some of the dialogue is fairly short, a lot of single word lines. Maybe try to make some of the debates or conversations a little longer which would help with the length. Then again the criminals probably don't want to talk too much anyway so its a tough call. Character Dev: Its a horror movie so you don't want to give them too much development otherwise the audience will feel bad when they die. Maybe a bit more for David though so you get a real gut punch when he doesn't make it out. Perhaps he finds his daughters back pack or something in the house. Overall a really great idea and script. I would definitely watch this. Good job.
Overall it was a well written script all the pieces work together as a whole and come together at the end. You get a good idea of who the characters are and their underlying motivations but it leaves just enough out to make you wonder what will happen in the following episodes. There was enough information to pick up on the lore and what the setting was without being overly explanatory it had a really great balance between exposition and allusion. The story has a very Noire feel to it, somewhat of a Blade Runner meets The Expanse. It feels like something much bigger is going on in the background that could lend to some good deeper questions about the characters, their lives and where they fit into the world around them. The dialogue did not feel forced or clunky and told me what was going on without feeling like forced exposition. Each character felt distinct and separate from each other which really helped draw you into each portion of the story. It was great to see even the individual officers described as "cocky" etc, which gave me a great sense of their overall attitudes even if they are minor characters. Not sure if this is meant to be a mini series, HBO style drama or a television series. The script may be a bit long for television but would work well length wise for a mini series or streaming series. If it is meant for television some time could be shaved off by removing the teaser unless that is meant to be included as part of a pitch. The rule of thumb I use is that a page is equal to about 1 min of screen time, that would put this episode somewhere in the 70-75 min mark depending on pacing. Formatting wise all the action sequences were spot on and about the right length some more active verbs would really make the action sequences pop. Character names should be capitalized when first introduced, not just the first name, this is fairly minor. One thing I noticed was there is a lot of emotive direction given for characters, which I've been told in the past doesn't make actors too happy. Trying to find a way to convey the emotions of the characters through their dialogue might be a safer choice and could help to bring the overall script length down. Overall its a really solid script with a great overall concept, ideas, and characters. A little more polish on the format, with some more action verbiage and some different dialogue choices to help convey the characters emotions would really make the whole thing pop and make it snap to life.
A cam girl and her friend are being chased by angry gangsters, they decide to hide at her family vineyard. Will they find salvation or will the past come back to haunt them?