I spent quite a bit of time writing screenplays and filming movies on an old video camera back in school. I full intended to go to Art school in Vancouver to pursue film making as a career but got side tracked by life. Fast forward twenty years, two marriages and two kids later and here I am following a dream I never saw fulfilled from years ago. At the moment this is not a career for me. Just feeling out if I still have some potential and to itch a scratch that never went away.
First off this script was a breath of fresh air. I really enjoy the character of SVF and his journey. Concept: Great concept I saw it as Supernatural meets Spawn, the concept itself is good and well executed. You really get a feel for the world around the characters and this helps to keep the concept grounded which can be hard to do with an idea like this. Story: It's a first draft and I think I've seen other drafts of this up before? So some things I mention might have been addressed already. In a nutshell the story is solid, there are a couple of plot hole issues but nothing too major. For example, in act 2 when Satan is organizing the capture of SVF it didn't make a lot of sense that Victor and Exile would take SVF back to the bar instead of straight to the mansion. I understood it as Victor is incompetent and cocky, possibly seeking his own vengeance for the beat down he received or maybe to show Satan his worth but at the same time it didn't really add to the story itself. This could be fixed with some dialogue or by changing the story slightly, maybe after killing Cherry he uses her phone to send SVF a message and then he comes to the bar to discover the carnage? Other than that most of the story flowed pretty well. Structure: Overall the structure was good the intercut phone call was slightly confusing but in the end it made sense. There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes that should be taken care of but it's a first draft so I assume that would be fixed in later drafts. I did notice that a lot of the dialogue and action switches between a past and present tense, scripts should almost always be written as present tense. Pretty much everything else was formatted properly. Character Dev: The characters were good and their development was pretty good. You got a good feel for SVF's journey, Veronicas was slightly less clear she might be a secondary character but it might add to SVFs journey if there was more development to her arc. Dialogue: The dialogue was good, you have a knack for back and forth snappy dialogue between characters. Sometimes it was loaded with exposition which takes the reader out of the story a bit. SVFs backstory is explained multiple times throughout, viewers and readers alike will already know it after Veronicas explanation, that flash back was a great way to introduce it by the way. A good rule of thumb is show don't tell. Really good job on the first draft with a few tweaks this has a lot of potential. Highly entertaining read with some great moments. I look forward to seeing where you take this!
This is a well written script, with a good concept and novel idea. I thought of it as Constatine meets Lovecraft and enjoyed the characters and dialogue throughout. Concept: I love the concept, as a fan of Lovecraft I enjoyed the idea of the Deep Ones and hidden tentacled creatures lurking beneath a city that only a handful of people could see or interact with. While the concept isn't new I enjoyed the breath of fresh air that this script brought to the idea. The modern setting with an ancient lurking evil really sets the tone. The use of other mythos such as trolls and spirits added nice depth to the concept as a whole as well. I would watch the hell out of this show. Story: It's a good story that is executed well. The flow was nice and easy to follow and the dialogue was delivered in a way that gave information without being too preachy. The ending felt a little hollow and rushed compared to the rest of the story. Maybe ending the first episode with Nick being injured and Jodie having to find him using her powers or a spirit informing her of his situation would have created the opportunity to develop their relationship and some more character development and left the whole thing on a more exciting cliff hanger? That being said whatever might be in store for Nick in the next episode might be upping the stakes, but that's just my opinion. Either way the story was fun and well executed. Structure: The structure was great, some scenes felt jarring due to the quick pace of them, lots of back to back single paragraph scenes. Maybe using an intercut would help to show how those scenes are paced and set together. There were some spelling mistakes which I marked in the script notes. Other than that thought the structure is bang on. Character Development: This was excellent, great use of setting, tone and dialogue to show who the characters are. I got a definite feel for their personalities and where they could be going on potential arcs throughout the series. Dialogue: The dialogue was a real showcase of who the characters are, each felt like an individual character with their own desires and needs. Well executed. Each character brought something new and helped to highlight each others own individual voice. I really enjoyed this script and look forward to any more episodes you might post!
A young woman on the run from an alien worshiping cult must decide if she should save herself or save the family she left behind.