Interesting. This was by far one of the most interesting scripts I've read in a while. Normally, I would follow up with a detailed page by page analysis but for this one, it'll be different. First off I do not know if you are planning on Directing, Shooting, Acting, Editing, Promoting, Catering, 1st ADing, or anything else for this script. For an industry standard script you would have to cut out all of your Shot Directions. Also, in your Action make sure never to use phrases like, "we move in", "we PAN across", etc. "We" do not do anything. "I" should always be capitalized. HEADINGS EX: INT. ROOM - DAY make sure there is a space before and after your hyphen. Be careful not to make your action and dialogue too blocky. There are points in the script where there is almost no white space and that can be taxing on your readers. Furthermore, I noticed at least three scenes where you have "floating head" conversations. This is where you can break up some of the dialogue by having your characters do something; but must add to the story. You can lose the ACT I, ACT II, ACT III. That is normally only used for theater now a days. Your dialogue was by far the most appealing aspect of this script. You have a wonderful voice and gave each character some real depth by just the way they spoke, I rather enjoyed it. However, your dialogue skills leak into your Action Descriptions. Much of your action is reading like your telling me a stand-up routine. You have a creative, unique voice when it comes to your writing. I don't want to suggest losing that but you must work on honing it and learning how to properly format your scripts. You have a good story underneath far too much, unnecessary, repetitive "action". My last note is to go back through your script and check your spacing, commas, and word selection. While "knocked out at FUCK" made me laugh, the second word in your script "a" should be "an". Don't lose your reader because of your second word. Best of luck, keep on writing!
Very interesting. While I was not digging the first part of the story you did an excellent job drawing me in later and keeping my attention. Hopefully, we can work through that opening and get you writing some gold. First off, I was not engaged at all for the first eight pages. I didn't feel connected to any of the characters and no one really stood out from the crowd. I think much of this comes from the straight shooting dialogue you have given to every character. I think by adding sub-context, you can deepen your characters and give me a reason to follow their journey. On the point of Dialogue, it wasn't reading very natural. Script dialogue and how we speak everyday do not go hand in hand but my brain shouldn't be telling me that something is sounding weird. You use a few spots to impose which is good, such as, "super-potatoes", and everyone ignores him but there needs to be more. I personally loved the twist of Sarah getting hit by the car. But we already know that Sam isn't going to get hit because of your opening scene. If you are "setting the stage" as you did, a suggestion, I would steal a small portion of your Pg. 17 and use it as your opener. Personally, I don't think you need it, but there's an idea. However, if you lose your opener all together then you're going to need a way stronger hook. Your Audience is not going to flock to your characters because of drugs or injury, you have to make us care and you have to keep us engaged. In your ending, build the tension. The exchange between Josh and Matt is too quick. Remember, Josh is discovering Matt's plan along with your audience, use that suspense to carry your audience. Over-all not bad, lots of work to do, but I like it. In the additional notes I have some of my technical notes.
I'm torn. This is both a wonderful script as well as a terrible movie that I would hate myself for watching. I suppose I can only blame myself for not fully understanding the writers intention when his lead character was OUTLANDER. But non the less I totally loved the first third of the script. After that as an audience member, reader, and fellow writer, I was deeply disappointing in the myriad of blatant references. While a key part of a marketable script is for it to connect, there were over twenty pages dedicated to reference making. EX: Sorting Pants/ Sorting Hat from Harry Potter. I even read it in his voice so I can't be mad but come on. Furthermore, the inconstancy of punctuation, character voice, or creative dialogue was maddening. BUT, and there must be a but, the parts of the script that worked for me were so on point that I am blown away at the creative ideas, dialogue, and professional level of some of the writing. Now that I have the emotional response out of the way, here's what I saw that may help you improve your script. Pg. 1- 'BOXCAR EDDY,'- make sure to be using your commas. When it comes to your headings, Pg. 1- ' EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY' - It is not the industry standard to us "CROWDED SIDEWALK"- that description comes after. Also there is a space between 'SIDEWALK' space 'hyphen' space 'DAY'. It also is not very common to use descriptors like, 'dusk' or 'dawn', unless they are imperative to the story. I found it very tough to ever be cheering for OUTLANDER, he has very little depth through most of the script and the little bits of mystery that he does tell us, we never get an answer for. Personally I think he will be your biggest challenge so try some different angles with him. The word play is a very fun part to read, "handcup him", I thought that was genius but that playfulness seemed to diminish as the script moved on. Pg. 16,17- The 'sleeping scene', with Hobo Baggins, felt like it doesn't need to be there but that the writer is using the Baggins character to provide anticipation. We see him a bunch in the beginning and he makes a bunch of vague promises and then in the end comes through. More notes on the next page.
After an alcohol fueled night, a man wakes up to discover he has been kidnapped into a modern day Gladiator ring, and must fight in order to stay alive.
Why take a shot on her when you can take a shot on me?
With a limited menu two men must make a very difficult decision.