Daniel Carroll

Stock Character

Reviewer Rating:
Scripts: 2
Reviews: 4

Following

SHOW MORE
SHOW MORE

Recent Activity

Daniel Carroll just purchased a review. Claim it here
2 years ago
The Final Project: Part One short
Genre: Drama
Logline: This is part one (of four). Introduces characters, sets the scene, and reveals the problem.
Daniel Carroll just purchased a review. Claim it here
2 years ago
The Final Project: Part One short
Genre: Drama
Logline: This is part one (of four). Introduces characters, sets the scene, and reveals the problem.
Daniel Carroll just purchased a review. Claim it here
2 years ago
The Final Project: Part One short
Genre: Drama
Logline: This is part one (of four). Introduces characters, sets the scene, and reveals the problem.
Daniel Carroll just purchased a review. Claim it here
2 years ago
The Final Project: Part One short
Genre: Drama
Logline: Three college students set out to make a documentary about mental illness and get carried away in the process.
Daniel
Draft 2 is available now and can be found here: https://scriptmother.com/user/1329
reply
Daniel Carroll just purchased a review. Claim it here
2 years ago
The Final Project: Part One short
Genre: Drama
Logline: Three college students set out to make a documentary about mental illness and get carried away in the process.
Daniel Carroll completed a review for
2 years ago
Morally Tempted short
Genre: Comedy,Drama,Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Review Rating:

I'd like to start with some positives and then work from there. First, you have some great descriptions for scene settings and actions. I got a very clear picture in my head of what you are trying to communicate through the script with the visuals you included. You seem to have a fairly good grasp on script structure and formatting as well. Another thing that I thought you did well on was setting the pacing of the story. It moves through without ever feeling like it drags on. Each scene is orchestrated with efficiency and leads perfectly into the next. Now, onto some areas for improvement. The dialogue could benefit from a little more subtext. For example, instead of stating exactly what the character is thinking or feeling, you could "beat around the bush" a little bit to add a level of suspense or interest. One line in particular that stuck out to me was: "Billy needs to go for his run". You could express WHY it is so important for him to go for his run, rather than simply stating the fact. Another issue with the dialogue is that in some areas it gets a little repetitive. The arguments between CONSCIENCE and TEMPTATION for example could be reworded to make their interchange more dramatic. The concept is not an entirely new one, but it could be made more interesting by throwing in some things that make it stand out. Instead of giving the characters in Billy's brain costumes that resemble angels and demons, maybe make them wear office clothes that hint at whether they are "good or bad". Subtlety goes a long way. Finally, this story doesn't have a lot of "arc" to it. There is conflict, but in order to get readers (or watchers) invested, there needs to be some kind of obstacle to overcome for the protagonist. At some level there should also be a change that takes place from beginning to end, rather than "needs to go for run, doesn't want to, doesn't". Is there a reason behind the characters in Billy's brain having this argument? We need to connect with Billy somehow if we are to care whether or not he goes for his run. Overall, you have a great start, and if you continue working on the finer details that I've mentioned, you could potentially have an engaging screenplay. Best of luck to you!

Daniel Carroll just claimed a review for a script.
2 years ago
Morally Tempted short
Genre: Comedy,Drama,Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Logline: One man's decision requires a lot of thinking
Daniel Carroll just purchased a review. Claim it here
2 years ago
The Final Project: Part One short
Genre: Drama
Logline: Three college students set out to make a documentary about mental illness and get carried away in the process.
Daniel Carroll uploaded a script.
2 years ago
The Final Project: Part One short
Genre: Drama
Logline: Three college students set out to make a documentary about mental illness and get carried away in the process.
Daniel Carroll completed a review for
2 years ago
The Waiting Room short
Genre: Horror
Review Rating:

Before I begin, this writer has great potential. Very descriptive scenes and a good handle on story structure made this an easy read. That being said, here are some of the things that could be improved upon. 1. Opening scene. The interchange between Damien and Alex doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the story. Aside from giving further fuel for Tiffany to dump Damien, and providing a way for Damien to become intoxicated (making it easier for his captors), it doesn't set up the rest of the script. Perhaps you could start with the flashback of Tiffany and Damien at the bar, and then cut to him drinking alone. Then you could use their breakup fight as another memory. Not sure if that helps, but it's an idea. 2. Action. There seems to be a lot of action description, which makes this read more like a book. You can't really SHOW what a character is smelling or thinking unless there is some kind of action or dialogue to accompany it. Don't get me wrong, these descriptions are super helpful for the reader, as they set up the scene really well, but I'm not sure there is enough compelling dialogue. 3. Character development. As a reader, I didn't feel connected to Damien the way the audience should empathize with a main character. This could be to a lack of backstory, but he needs to be more likable somehow. Also, there needs to be a definite change in his character over the course of the screenplay. He starts out much the same way that he ends. Some questions to consider might be: what are his stakes? (aside from losing his life, there isn't a real reason we want him to win) what does he want/need? why is Jack trying to help him only to kill him? Overall, I thought this script was interesting and well structured. I especially liked all the cutaways to Marcus and his escape attempt. The flashbacks pulls the audience in more and helps establish some of the character backstory. However, because of the things mentioned earlier, this could still use a little work. I would focus on some kind of theme or "lesson to be learned" to tie the whole thing together. Again, good dialogue is crucial, so keep working to spice things up (without resorting to just swearing...gets a little repetitive) Thanks and good luck!

Scripts

The Final Project: Part One
Draft #2
Genre: Drama
Sign In to see % Rating

This is part one (of four). Introduces characters, sets the scene, and reveals the problem.

SHOW MORE
SHOW MORE