I read your scripts and I thinks it needs major improvement. Even though you completed the high concept, I felt like the idea failed to materialize. Your biggest strength is the concept. Having the main character working for the mafia and having autism is pretty cool. I felt this is the unique concept and has the potential in future rewrites. Hollywood tends to look for something ‘fresh’, which means they want something totally unique. I found the story of the script all over the place and chaotic. It starts well with a sole protagonist, all the way to the midpoint and it goes crazy. I don’t have an idea where the story goes from point A to B. The structure is poor and not near enough to be sold. You use fade in and cut to constantly and I find this unnecessary because in the modern film, we are already fade in. When you introducing characters, ensure that all the characters has the age because we need to what the age. For an example if you don’t, then how do we know if the character is in their 20s, 30s, 40s, old age or kids. The development of characters isn’t great. I felt the characters are doing something that they wouldn’t in real life. When Natalie had sex with Bentley, what’s the consequence? What’s the motive? How does this affect the story? These details matters. Dialogue isn’t too bad. I felt this was a bit exciting and looks like I was reading a script. So to conclude my review, your biggest strength is the high concept and the dialogue. Your high concept is unique, which is a autistic character working for the mafia, and he’s really charming. Your dialogue may need a bit change but it’s minor. Story, structure and character development needs some work.
I thought your script was fantastic and well executed, and 10 pages have been well executed. I like the part when Phil pranked May by pretending to be flesh and brain eating zombie, and it gave her a heart attack, then the Hunter came and killed them instantly, with a bow and arrow. It was horrifying to me but it was actually fun. There might be some weaknesses in your script, with as one example, but I cannot detect them. It may be short but it’s readable, fun and exciting. This concept is never been used in a short but it can also work in movies as well. If you decide to expand and want to make it into a movie, go ahead. If you felt like you need to improve or draft your idea, feel free to do so. Because I felt like it wasn’t excellent but that’s irrelevant that your script is good enough. But it also your choice.
I enjoy reading your script but I gave you a moderate rating. Don’t let it deter you as you can use this rating to improve and keep getting feedback unless you have something undeniable. It’s a cool concept that SVF is hired by a mayor to kill monstrous creatures, which makes it quite unique and that is what Hollywood is looking for. Action, action, action. I like the idea that the hero always fight with baddies. It’s like driving a Corvetter on a highway at 90mph. It’s so breezy. That is what standouts from your script. Having a connection between Veronica and SVF is somewhat creates a theme of your story. She’s humble, independent and that what’s make it a driven script. However, she needs SVF to save her at the point when she was kidnapped. No man’s an island. On a flip note, there’s too much profanity in your script. I understand it’s R-rated movie you’re heading, but, normal people don’t swear that much and don’t constantly saying an F word. Make it more realistic on this premises. The description of your character is too unnecessary. I do use them BUT to specify things. It’s not an issue that you want to show your character. This is usually done in a SHOOTING script, so you don’t need to worry about. Also, the pace of the movie was slow and stale. If you want to break into Hollywood, you need to remember a producer or agents read a lot of script daily and don’t have time to read all of them. It’s essential that you start well. Ensure that the first 10 pages are exciting. Overall, I found your script interesting and entertaining. Just remember, horn your strength and improve your weakness. Good luck.