ScriptMother

Abdirizak Hirsi

Stock Character

Reviewer Rating:
Scripts: 6
Reviews: 5

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Recent Activity

Abdirizak Hirsi completed a review for
1 week ago
Bentley Maguire-Profile of An Autistic Mobster feature
Genre: Crime
Review Rating:

I read your scripts and I thinks it needs major improvement. Even though you completed the high concept, I felt like the idea failed to materialize. Your biggest strength is the concept. Having the main character working for the mafia and having autism is pretty cool. I felt this is the unique concept and has the potential in future rewrites. Hollywood tends to look for something ‘fresh’, which means they want something totally unique. I found the story of the script all over the place and chaotic. It starts well with a sole protagonist, all the way to the midpoint and it goes crazy. I don’t have an idea where the story goes from point A to B. The structure is poor and not near enough to be sold. You use fade in and cut to constantly and I find this unnecessary because in the modern film, we are already fade in. When you introducing characters, ensure that all the characters has the age because we need to what the age. For an example if you don’t, then how do we know if the character is in their 20s, 30s, 40s, old age or kids. The development of characters isn’t great. I felt the characters are doing something that they wouldn’t in real life. When Natalie had sex with Bentley, what’s the consequence? What’s the motive? How does this affect the story? These details matters. Dialogue isn’t too bad. I felt this was a bit exciting and looks like I was reading a script. So to conclude my review, your biggest strength is the high concept and the dialogue. Your high concept is unique, which is a autistic character working for the mafia, and he’s really charming. Your dialogue may need a bit change but it’s minor. Story, structure and character development needs some work.

Abdirizak Hirsi just claimed a review for a script.
1 week ago
Bentley Maguire-Profile of An Autistic Mobster feature
Genre: Crime
Logline: Meet Bentley Enzo Maguire a mobster that has Autism
Abdirizak Hirsi just claimed a review for a script.
1 week ago
The Hunter short
Genre: Horror,Action/Adventure
Logline: Some legends are too scary not to be true.
Abdirizak Hirsi completed a review for
1 week ago
SVF: Reborn (First Draft) feature
Genre: Action/Adventure,Horror,Thriller
Review Rating:

I enjoy reading your script but I gave you a moderate rating. Don’t let it deter you as you can use this rating to improve and keep getting feedback unless you have something undeniable. It’s a cool concept that SVF is hired by a mayor to kill monstrous creatures, which makes it quite unique and that is what Hollywood is looking for. Action, action, action. I like the idea that the hero always fight with baddies. It’s like driving a Corvetter on a highway at 90mph. It’s so breezy. That is what standouts from your script. Having a connection between Veronica and SVF is somewhat creates a theme of your story. She’s humble, independent and that what’s make it a driven script. However, she needs SVF to save her at the point when she was kidnapped. No man’s an island. On a flip note, there’s too much profanity in your script. I understand it’s R-rated movie you’re heading, but, normal people don’t swear that much and don’t constantly saying an F word. Make it more realistic on this premises. The description of your character is too unnecessary. I do use them BUT to specify things. It’s not an issue that you want to show your character. This is usually done in a SHOOTING script, so you don’t need to worry about. Also, the pace of the movie was slow and stale. If you want to break into Hollywood, you need to remember a producer or agents read a lot of script daily and don’t have time to read all of them. It’s essential that you start well. Ensure that the first 10 pages are exciting. Overall, I found your script interesting and entertaining. Just remember, horn your strength and improve your weakness. Good luck.

Abdirizak Hirsi just claimed a review for a script.
2 weeks ago
SVF: Reborn (First Draft) feature
Genre: Action/Adventure,Horror,Thriller
Logline: Slaying demons and kicking ass are his specialty.
Abdirizak Hirsi uploaded a script.
1 month ago
The Good Deed feature
Genre: Drama,Family
Logline: Anna finds out his father is diagnosed with lung cancer,, she decides to find a way to beat it.
Abdirizak Hirsi uploaded a script.
7 months ago
Michelle & Kim (15 pages) television
Genre: Action/Adventure
Logline: Michelle searches for a killer, after his husband died. Sooner, there’s more st stake. Accomplices by Kim
Abdirizak Hirsi just purchased a review. Claim it here
9 months ago
The Silver Bullet feature
Genre: Action/Adventure
Logline: An aspirant wrestler finds out about the plot from secret organization and attempt to take over the world by an agent. She needs to find the formula and prevent it from falling into the wrong hands.
Abdirizak Hirsi completed a review for
9 months ago
Chain Link (First 15) feature
Genre: Horror
Review Rating:

I think the idea you created is quite interesting, showing a great blend of characters and storyline, merging in one-piece. An antagonist in a horrors scene seems to be ruthless in his/her goal and that what makes it fascinating. The idea is really fabricating and yet, has its own twist and excitement occurs in one place to another. The creation of the scenes is character is somewhat relatable, cultured. The story is fascinating and it has a journey. It tells the plot about the killer, killing young adults but it doesn't give a motive do it. Maybe it's only a beginning, it'd be interesting where it goes. The structure of the first 15 pages are quite standard, which it can be improved. It is quite professional, the way it laid out, but in order to break it into the Hollywood, it should become more unique and amazing. It's quite fair and it can better. Character development is one of the weakest of the script. The main problem of the script is the description of the way the characters are dressed. This is unnecessary and the main rule of introduction characters is not telling what they dressed, unless it is specified. Otherwise, keep it in bare minimum. The dialogue is very good, it gives the power to the story and was crucial for the journey. The real feedback for this screenplay in the first 15 pages is the introduction of characters. Everything else is good but the dressing need to be cut out unless it is pertinent to the story. The another way in improving the script, although not necessarily, but if inspired to break into Hollywood is the structure. It brings one action to another. One way to improve is to have a good action and cool on another. Getting too many actions are not needed and it may not work.

Scripts

The Silver Bullet
Draft #3
Genre: Action/Adventure
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An aspirant wrestler finds out about the plot from secret organization and attempt to take over the world by an agent. She needs to find the formula and prevent it from falling into the wrong hands.

Michelle & Kim (15 pages)
Draft #1
Genre: Action/Adventure
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Michelle searches for a killer, after his husband died. Sooner, there’s more st stake. Accomplices by Kim

The Good Deed
Draft #2
Genre: Drama,Family
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Anna finds out his father is diagnosed with lung cancer,, she decides to find a way to beat it.

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