I am the creator and writer of Style Story inspired by the STYLIT mobile game. I am passionate for role play and bringing fabricated characters to life. This story came completely of the blue when I started creating 3D models from a dress-up game and placing them in scenes. I gave them a name and a story based on the pictures I had put together. Note: Feel free to message me any questions about the story or questions about me :) Be safe
Concept - Good. A terrifying man killing off teens and girls is a horrific situation to be subject to, especially when you're alone. Story - Good. Although it just scrapes this rating. My thoughts on this is that I believe the story has potential but there are some bits where it is predictable. For instance, the conversation with the police and the guy pretty much knowing who chain link is perhaps could be something left unknown until later in the story to add mystery. An example could be that in the case it remains that the incident rings a bell when she refers to weak link, that there is no file. If the file is electronic then this would definitely be the case given the hacker's ability to hack ANYTHING that's hackable. Else if this is a physical file then ok sure, but this movie is marked 2020 so I assume it's contemporary times. Structure - Good. Same as story, this one I am leaning a bit favourable, but there were some bits that I believe in the sense of a movie would drag the movie down. ie: I would suggest keeping phone screen messages brief when showing, else move it to a phone call, or even make it a facetime. I think watching a movie of people texting back and forth would be a bit less engaging. Character development - I am going to lean in a bit harsh here and say that whilst the start was appropriate given the circumstances of waking up strapped to a bed. There is an opportunity to expand on some of the other characters that are not currently in refined spaces. In these first 15 pages, from memory I think 3 people are murdered. This may likely be deliberate, where future expansions may flesh this out and separate, else you see that what will happen is in 2 hours chain link is going to kill 15+ people which would be less impactful. We want to attach a little bit to the character and perhaps learn why it is these particular people that are being chosen, why they are the weak link. This could perhaps reveal more and more per character as each kill progresses. Dialogue - I don't have too many problems with it. I think definitely it could be improved. Small things like "I got this fucking weird email, but I have no fucking idea who it's from. It just says "Unknown." I don't have a problem with the word fuck, but sometimes it has less impact when used so close together. A suggestion would be "I received this weird email from someone unknown. I have no fucking idea who it is!" Closing comments: Any script has the potential to be a great script and this one is no exception. It is rich in context, the writer is known to lay out detailed scenes with impactful actions, I look forward to the optimisation and future drafts of this piece.
Concept - I like the concept of the story of how Jian meets Yumeki and the ties around their relationship. The ending was a cliffhanger which does work well for the second part. Story - I liked it. Most memorable moments were the references to the dog which I thought was harsh and dealt with in a cute way, it shows Yumeki knows how to see the bright side of things and made a good impression for her character. Also liked the bath robe moment which I will touch on a bit later in Character Development. The story shifts back and forward in the timeline, which I will state I did not completely follow to the tee, but was a nice touch and may work well in a movie. However when we forward flash to the moment when Jian meets with his arranged marriage friend. The love scenes well, were described in a way I enjoyed them, sensual and intimate. I like any scene where there is love making though. Structure - I would recommend the use of cuts over a lot of the fade ins and outs, or use dissolves which have pretty much replaces fade ins/outs between scenes.There are some action bits that need fixing like "He Immediately walks over stands next to her" add "and" after "over". Lack of music cue markers and some missing action lines when characters appear out from no where like vince and the bonnet scene. One of the flashback scenes were all in italics for the dialogue, this is not required and made it less consistent with the rest of the format. Some actions described dialogue like when the doctor walks into Yumeki's hospital room. Action lines with pronouns require names to identify who is actually doing something, like walking into a room because sometimes it wasn't clear. There were a lot of shaking heads "no" which can just be shaking the head side to side. I would also changed made love with to made love to, for those moments where love is shared together, it portrays women less of an object. Character Development - I would have liked to see character introductions, aside from the main characters and Vince and Ms Lin, I didn't know who the others were because they didn't have much of an impact on me. An introduction may have helped me to appreciate them each time they spoke. I thought the way Jian Li and Yumeki met with her wearing the bath robe loose around her waist, very sexy. I know how Jian would have felt in that moment. Dialogue - There are some moments in the dialogue that are short lived, and felt like a back and forth like when Jian mentions Yumeki's singing is beautiful, I would have liked to see expanded dialogue here and intimate moments. There were some moments where the dialogue was heavy towards the end, and discussed some deep matters that felt like I was being educated at a level that was too much, I felt it steered away from the romance. Hope you find this review helpful for your next draft.
The target audience is unclear. There are elements in the story that are depressing and not really suited for young people. If it's targeted for an older audience not sure if it would work also. I think I feel what the author is trying to achieve with this but the events and dialogue that take place need improvement to convey the story both realistically and in a believable format. The final showdown relating to the fireworks is a bit strange. I feel that based on the current dialogue, maybe something else needed to happen here for the bear to open up so easily to chipmunk as it appeared he has some deep issues with other animals that can't be fixed so simply by lighting a firework to to save him. The bear also seems to not be afraid of the human yet he is. The dialogue needs improvement definitely I think this is what needs to be worked on, it just doesn't feel real enough, it would pass for a kids movie but the depressing stuff needs to come out. If it's geared towards the other end, then I think there needs be a sense of fear, and explanation as to why the bear is how he is, perhaps some reference to an event or something that hints what his issue is with chipmunk or in general. The scene descriptions are good however, detailed and vivid, very strong point here. But yeah, it's the dialogue, very interested in knowing the history of what caused this bear to be like this. Good effort overall. I'll end with saying that I'm new to reading in general so take my review with a grain of salt, I just want you to at least get something useful from my feedback, wish you well.
Some parts made me laugh, not sure why but it's very random, I like it. Any story has the potential to be a great story. There are some bits of dialogue I would like to see improved, small re-words. I would have liked to see a standoff with the meaner judge in the end. With some dialogue where he's like. You f little shit, I hated you the moment I saw you walk on this stage. Im gonna f sort you out bro lol. Or something like an big final showdown, where he just want to go at him like that bear and the lion, maybe he can reference that. Could be something mirky in there to spark the reader. I am interested to know how this guitar was made with general class tools and without getting busted. Maybe the guitar is better made at home and this guy is like a geek grunge tech that makes gadgets, kinda like doc from BTTF but he can be crazy too and have the voice.. Maybe putting him in with his mother or something where he's abusive to her and she can't control him, would lay out some more frightful terror from the get go, that's just increases as people upset and push his buttons.