Concept - I like the concept of the story of how Jian meets Yumeki and the ties around their relationship. The ending was a cliffhanger which does work well for the second part.
Story - I liked it. Most memorable moments were the references to the dog which I thought was harsh and dealt with in a cute way, it shows Yumeki knows how to see the bright side of things and made a good impression for her character. Also liked the bath robe moment which I will touch on a bit later in Character
Development. The story shifts back and forward in the timeline, which I will state I did not completely follow to the tee, but was a nice touch and may work well in a movie. However when we forward flash to the moment when Jian meets with his arranged marriage friend. The love scenes well, were described in a way I enjoyed them, sensual and intimate. I like any scene where there is love making though.
Structure - I would recommend the use of cuts over a lot of the fade ins and outs, or use dissolves which have pretty much replaces fade ins/outs between scenes.There are some action bits that need fixing like "He Immediately walks over stands next to her" add "and" after "over". Lack of music cue markers and some missing action lines when characters appear out from no where like vince and the bonnet scene. One of the flashback scenes were all in italics for the dialogue, this is not required and made it less consistent with the rest of the format. Some actions described dialogue like when the doctor walks into Yumeki's hospital room. Action lines with pronouns require names to identify who is actually doing something, like walking into a room because sometimes it wasn't clear. There were a lot of shaking heads "no" which can just be shaking the head side to side. I would also changed made love with to made love to, for those moments where love is shared together, it portrays women less of an object.
Character Development - I would have liked to see character introductions, aside from the main characters and Vince and Ms Lin, I didn't know who the others were because they didn't have much of an impact on me. An introduction may have helped me to appreciate them each time they spoke. I thought the way Jian Li and Yumeki met with her wearing the bath robe loose around her waist, very sexy. I know how Jian would have felt in that moment.
Dialogue - There are some moments in the dialogue that are short lived, and felt like a back and forth like when Jian mentions Yumeki's singing is beautiful, I would have liked to see expanded dialogue here and intimate moments. There were some moments where the dialogue was heavy towards the end, and discussed some deep matters that felt like I was being educated at a level that was too much, I felt it steered away from the romance.
Hope you find this review helpful for your next draft.
