Concept and Story: Good Morning, Mr. Kay's strengths are definitely the world building and creative characters and their personalities. The writer does a great job inventing a reality unlike one I have seen on television. Its multidimensional structure creates a fantastical and whimsical universe in an almost spiritual realm (a place of sanctity if you will) mixed with a deeper, darker story of depression, loneliness, and the constant struggles of mental health. Although the concept is great, I would like to see more of a description of the "white space". At first it seem like an in-between, non-physical place, but descriptions of wind, "HUSH", and "ground" gives it a physical worldly feel. I would just like to see more a description/physical characteristics/etc. You say, "Where there’s no ground, there’s a floor. Ceilings are walls but also everything is infinite and nothing!" Although this is intriguing dialogue, it doesn't quite help create a concrete visualize for the imagination. Structure: The structure of this show works, but I truly believe it would be stronger as a feature. I would love to see what the writer's intentions are for the full series structure (limited, serial, etc.) Development and Dialogue: Character interactions are interesting and work well, but the weakest point of the script is the dialogue. It often times runs too long, while other times it feels choppy and unrealistic. To me, the weakest scenes are in the hospital. The use of the voiceovers to me is a bit lazy; it's easy to throw a lot of expositional elements. A few VO moments are okay, but I'd rather SEE the pivotal moments that define Mr. Kay rather than hear him explain them.
Okay, so I probably shouldn't have read this before bed, but I needed to know what happened! I thought the concept was extremely clever: the serial killer's name, the method of finding victims, and the "weak link" responses. My main note is to strengthen your characters' personalities a little more. I really enjoyed Chain Link and Jennifer, but the supporting characters were a bit generic. My second note would just be formatting. I'm not the best at it, but there were some nit-picky formatting with sounds and set-up that I would just read over again for your next draft. Also, just a very small side note, but with so many similar "J" names, it can be a little hard to keep track of who is who. Very small tweaks: Some of the dialogue felt a little fake in its young/hip tones. I'm not sure if you're going for cheesy horror (ie. Cabin in the Woods or more classic gore like Saw). I thought your strongest writing was the first scene. It left me haunted in the same way I felt when I watched Saw the first time. I would a little repulsed (in a good way!) but I kept reading, which is what you're aiming for. I would love to see more light-humor in the beginning. I feel the best horror movies are the ones that really seem to dissect a regular, happy-go-lucky teen's life and completely reverse it. Overall, I thought this was a really good start. All my above comments are just little tweaks here or there, nothing major. I look forward to reading your next draft and will definitely keep an eye out for future chain mail!
Minimum wage employees at a failing mall try to keep up with a crazy manager, power hungry security guard, and all the strange customers in-between.
When a scientist disappears after inventing the Dream State, a technology allowing people to create a new reality in their dream worlds, his daughter must team up against her estranged half-brother to destroy it.