If your goal was to write x-rated furry propaganda then you've succeeded. Anything else was a complete miss. I'm writing this review assuming it's not supposed to be furry porn. If it is, then ignore everything else. The concept is mostly just furries fucking and getting raped with social commentary about the government interfering in people's lives and something about people's perverted nature. The social commentary is unclear but the writer tries in every scene and with every character to explain it. There are so many attempts to spew this incoherent nonsense that it's beaten to death in a way that the message comes across as a jumbled mess. What you have left is just furry porn with random bits of magical nonsense. Besides the abhorrent concept, the structure was a disaster. There are way too many flashbacks at random moments that do nothing but waste time and provide more furry sex scenes. As a reader, I barely was able to keep track of what you pulled me out of and put me into then where you plopped me back. Also the voiceovers are a writer's most tempting enemy. It is lazy and there are few instances where voiceovers make for a better movie. The characters were so stiff and boring. All the protagonists were the same and all the antagonists were the same and all they wanted to do was fuck or not be fucked. Isabella is probably the most confusing character. Everyone wants her because she can become a super saiyan (sarcasm)? Who is that good for? How will anyone use that? She apparently already knows but waits until it's convenient for her? Why is that a thing at all? It comes in out of nowhere and makes the script far more irritating. Just add Godzilla and Aliens while you're at it. Give them a sex scene to produce Zillalien babies that Isabella then has to fight in one final battle. Makes as much sense as the random super powers or teleporting or magical potions. You can't just have random instances of fantastical things. Everything needs to be fantasy or it doesn't work. Lastly, the action and dialogue were the only part that showed some talent from the writer. There were well written action with good descriptions and colorful language but it was way too much. Less is more and there needs to be a lot less in this screenplay. The dialogue had it's moments but was littered with "Fuck you", "Time is not on your side" and other generic lines. On the flip side there were times where characters just rambled and it came off as overly dramatic. Perhaps if the writer picked a different concept and minimized their dialogue and action they could have something decent.
This is one of the better screenplays I've read since I've joined. Good strong characters, well structured story, and good dialogue. Dave and Shiloh are a fun dynamic and keep the energy and comedy alive throughout the entire screenplay. For the rest of the characters, Corri, I believe doesn't fit in the group. I understand the writer wanted to make the girl innocent but there a some clashing characteristics. This cheer captain, who is clearly friends with jocks, has had no fun adventures and is totally innocent. That at least seems to be the angle the writer wants. If she isn't innocent then there needs to be a few more lines referring to her life in high school. Her willingness to drop everything and travel across country with Dave is also hard to believe since there's no established relationship prior to Dave showing up to her restaurant. I think she needs some work to properly fit into the group dynamic. Also it's pretty weird how sexualized she is by everyone. Prom queen and cheer captain are a hard sell with the rest of her personality. I think straight A student and class president would work better with the character. The rest of the characters are likeable but require more suspension of disbelief. The leader of a bike gang and drug dealer wants to hunt teens across the country and also has interstate influence with law enforcement. "Grandpadre" is also a weird one. His personality is aggressive but also wildly creative and he has this insane love for Dave even though he is constantly and playfully criticizing him. Too many clashing personality traits. The story itself is a solid adventure but is wildly illogical and improbable. It's insane to think this Grandpa Al set it up perfectly just as he was about to die so they would time it right to get to the infant man show on time. It was distracting how impossible of a perfectly timed adventure that was. I think maybe Dave knowing about the Infant Man show and putting time pressure on them would immediately solve that. Maybe Grandpa Al makes Dave do the scavenger hunt to get passes to the show by this date. Lastly, the voiceover is the worst part about the screenplay. Removing that alone would upgrade this screenplay. Voiceover is lazy writing and usually unnecessary to tell a great story. A solid screenplay.