I've read many scripts on many review sites. This is one of the best. I could see this being a movie. More importantly a movie I'd enjoy.
Television scripts seems to be a tougher road to travel, then a 90 - 120 page feature. The characters have to be so distinct, and the details so perfect, as to fill at least 6 - 13 episodes. That's extremely difficult. Your basic idea of showing a disheartened demon working as a defense attorney in purgatory is novel, and could actually work as a tv show or feature film. However, this needs much more detail, thought, and characterization. After reading this, I didn't see a reason for episode two. This read more like a short movie than a tv show. More important, it didn't come off as an otherworldly place or beings. This is how I interpreted this script. Page 1 - 5: Rachel commits suicide by jumping off a building. She wakes on a train and finds people trapped in cabins desperately trying to get out. She doesn't know it's her that the Intercom is telling to get off the train, until the conductor, a horned demon (possibly a reaper) chases her off. Page 5 - 8: Rachel gets off the train and finds her way into a room with a man smoking a cigarette. She watches a video explaining she's dead, and there will be a trial to decide whether she'll go to heaven or hell. Page 8 - 16 We meet Levi and he speaks to Rachel about her life. He decides they'll be defending her bad behavior, and not providing proof of good deeds, since she did none. Page 17 - 21: We watch Rachel and Levi walk to their destination. Levi gives her history on purgatory. Page 21 - 28: We meet Hannah and Sven. Rachel is checked into her room. Her trial is the next day. Page 28 - 34: We see Levi's pathetic existence. Nova, an angelic prostitute, comes and they have sex. She tells him she loves him. They argue about it in the morning, and she says they shouldn't see each other for a while. Page 35 - 46: We meet Asriel and his goons. We're introduced to the Judge and Sylvanna. The trial is over quick. Rachel lied, she goes to hell. Page 46 - 50: Levi says goodbye to Rachel as she's sent to hell. Page 51 - 52: Levi and Asriel fight. Page 52 - 53: Levi calls Nova. I assume this because he says "you told me not to call." Page 53 - 56: Meets the red-skinned woman, has sex with her. Decides to commit suicide, but doesn't. I am assuming each week will be a different soul Levi will defend. What carries over to next week? What's special about Levi? Remove his horns, put him on earth, and make him a defense attorney. Where's the difference? There is none. In this particular story, Rachel has had a horrible life. You can't expect someone who grew up abused without love to be able to differentiate between good and bad. At the absolute least, the case should have been leaning expressly to her being given a pass and sent to heaven, and then when it's revealed she was pregnant, she's damned to hell. In this particular sequence, Levi was always on the short end, and seemed like he was always losing. In fact, did lose. But, worse, there was no realism that this was a court for your soul. None of it rang true. When you introduced Asriel, I thought of the show Lucifer. Asriel was one of his brothers. He's introduced after the Detective gets into a car accident. Lucifer sees Asriel in a window and realizes the car accident wasn't just a car accident, it was caused by Asriel. He's an angel who can make things happen through the Butterfly effect. So, the following episode opens on Asriel standing on a street corner. He walks over and moves a skateboard on a lawn a fraction of an inch. A woman comes home with groceries and through a series of minor events, culminating with someone chasing a dog, and the skateboard gets in the way. The dog runs out in front of the Detective's car, she swerves and gets in an accident. That's what made Asriel a real-live character on Lucifer. It wasn't just talk, it was action, and the results of that action. That's what Levi, Hannah, Sven, Nova and anyone else who is going to be on the show weekly needs. Hannah and Sven mention drinking from the waterfall. What does it do? Why isn't it allowed? Why don't we see it? This is otherworldly. Make it that way. Horns and wings aren't enough. You need to add drama to the trial and the defendant. Instead of having her tell Levi about the abuse, why not show it in flashback? That's what this show is about, a weekly trial. What did Levi do to prepare after meeting with Rachel? Nothing. He wrote her name in a book. This is well written. Though for myself, it's too flowery. There are many actions that can't be shown. Some just go on too long. There's three sentences for lighting a cigarette. How many times does that happen? This is one example: Page 21: Upon entry, Levi and Rachel are soon greeted by -- There's a description of Hannah followed by - Behind a desk, Hannah is asleep on her feet. Upright. Her head droops forward... So, Hannah greets them and then is asleep on her feet. It doesn't really make much sense. Is it a horrific mistake? No. It slows the mood and read. This happens more than once. The dialogue is good and natural. It also falls into the doesn't make much sense category at times. It's clear in this scene with Hannah. Hannah is explaining the rules of staying there. Curfew, etc. If you need anything, just call. Levi tells Rachel, "If you ever get tired of Miss Sunshine, give me a call." Rachel's trial is less than 24 hours away. When is she going to call Levi or Hannah? The trial was over on TV land in less than 5 minutes without pause or time lapse. So, in reality, the entire phone speel and call me is useless. It could never come into play. If you replaced these exchanges with action and something meaningful, it will bring these characters to life. At the moment, they're not one dimensional, they're about two dimensional. They need to get to the third dimension. It was an interesting read. It just needs more life and other worldliness. I think you'll find it when you concentrate on what each week would be about, a defendant and their attorney.
There are numerous problems in every aspect of screenwriting throughout. You begin on a VO without a character. Since the "Title appears: EQUAL" comes after the VO, there are no visuals. We'd be watching nothing, while listening to someone speak. Filmmaking is a visual medium. From your grammar, English is not your first language. You misuse words, and your sentences are not structured properly. "we assume the class of them" is incorrect. It should be "we assume their class." (Almost all of your dialogue has this problem.) "That's the truth" should not be there. It assumes everyone thinks like this person. They don't. Make the monologue personal to this character. Whoever that is. I am assuming it's the Boy. Transitions (Fade In, Cut to) and scene numbers are not necessary in a spec script. Why do none of your characters have names? Boy, Lil, One Girl, Guy, Vendor... It reeks unprofessional. Human beings have names. They have identities, which you do not give any description of. The Boy's first lines on camera "Hey you little moron" are rude. "Clean up the utensils... you stink". This paints a filthy picture of this stall. Why would anyone want to eat from a place that's filthy and the worker smells? The Boy has character issues. He feels and acts inferior. He is inferior. He stares at his female customers. A Lady asks directions, and he behaves like a thug. The worst is he find's superiority looking at the girl he admired, dead. From the way this is written. This seems to be the way the writer sees life. That's disturbing. You might want to read some books on screenwriting and professional screenplays. This has no structure, plot, three-dimensional characters, and none of the dialogue has a twinge of truth or realism.
I would like to say I found one thing in this script to praise. I can not. The basic formatting was correct. However, there are numerous punctuation and grammar errors. Scenes in film are based on the ACTIONS of the characters. Not the dialogue of the character. There is a rule of screenwriting. If you can remove a scene and the audience is not lost, that scene should not be in the script the first place. Let's take your opening scene. Johnny and Jenny. He's in therapy. He's explaining about his weekend and he's going to propose. That is exposition dialogue. It's what new screenwriters do, because they can't show the characters in action. Does Johnny ever show up in Jenny's office again? No. Why do we see him there in the first place? If you started the story with Johnny and Amy driving to the resort, would we be missing information? No. Because there was nothing in the first scene that we needed to be told. We could be shown it all. Therapy Room - Talking no action. Packing - no action. Driving - no action. Resort Lobby - no action. Throughout the script, there's no action. The closest you come to an actual piece of action is Wilmar and Gordon pushing the red button. The story is about a couple who go to a resort, he's going to propose. Nothing happens to them. A woman is killed. A weirdo who doesn't speak to anyone is just walking around. There are characters introduced that mean nothing to Johnny and Amy's story. They don't impede their story. Johnny and Amy aren't even in the script all that much. The curse is kind of there. But, by the end, nothing made sense. That doesn't even matter. Because there's twenty something pages of people talking. Since this is all dialogue, it should at least be realistic. None of it is. "I'm a human girl..." Gordon is supposed to be in charge, and he approaches a mysterious man who says nothing, and Gordon doesn't call security? He just lets him roam around the children. When a character does not speak, you don't put the character name and ... You would just put an action "The man does not answer." or something to that effect. You need to start from scratch. Figure out the story you want to show the audience, and then show it to them. Don't think about what the characters are going to say. Think about what the characters are going to do.