I am a practicing nurse practitioner clinician. My goal is to write scripts for the purpose of medical education - to train doctors and nurses.
This story has a strong opening that introduces us to the tortured mind of our protagonist, Alexa Walker, AKA: Shadow Walker. The introduction of Eva Rivera follows. I commend the character development of both of these characters. Alexa Walker is a highly skilled Navy SEAL, the first frogwoman, who was the sole survivor of her special ops team. Her comrades tortured bodies haunt her. Perhaps there is a fine line between bravery and suicidal in the characters actions. Eva Rivera, the daughter of a conscienceless drug warlord, wants to succeed her fathers position with less brutality. She is a hard core player, but is destined to fail in a world where the men will not accept a woman as their leader. These are strong characters and great adversaries. I liked the plot development. I was amused by Alexa's skills of hiding while in enemy territory. I also liked the author's knowledge of elements of the story: the use of Spanish, the knowledge of hand to hand combat moves. Personally, I don't love violence and spilled blood, but it was appropriate and well done in the story line. Very espionage quality. I appreciate the cleverness of the code names associated with chess pieces. The story reflects a high stakes chess game. Alexa is "queen" but really is a pawn. In the end, the 'queen' saves the 'knight'. Check mate. I had trouble keeping track of the DEA 'knight's' role, but that may have been a personal shortcoming on my part as the reader. Overall, I really enjoyed this script. Best of luck!
These are just my opinions. Take what you find helpful and leave the rest. I am not sure, but I wonder if there was a prequel to this story. I had a hard time orienting myself to the beginning scenes in the script. I didn't understand who he was, who he was fighting, why he was connected to the Mayor, or the significance of Veronica who turns out to be the Mayor's niece. It was revealed later that SVC stood for Shadow Vile Creature and he was a creation made by Satan. If I understand correctly, Veronica's parents were killed in a car accident, though she is unsure of details. SVC was saved from death in a car accident by Satan who created him into a supernatural being. Does this mean that SVC was Veronica's father? If so, it is just creepy that they become lovers. I did not buy into the characterization of Satan in this story. Satan is a powerful supernatural being. I don't believe he is someone who could be bested by a half-made creation of his own (SVC). I don't believe that Satan would get his arm cut off and it would leave a bloody stump. He is supernatural. He is not that easily destroyed. He is evil, but not stupid. He would not create a being that is better or smarter than himself. There is no mention of God in this story, except maybe in reference to the holy water. If SVC were getting supernatural power from another deity such as God, that might be believable. That would add a better dimension to the story. I also cannot visualize Satan needing to use a cell phone. I suppose he could, but why would he chose to? He has an omnipotence to him. My two main objections to this story are: 1) there was just too much grotesque bloody fighting, and 2) way, way, way too much use of the word "fuck". A good story does not need the use of explicatives. I found it more distracting than helpful. These are my thoughts. I hope you can use them to make some positive changes. Best of luck!
I have to admit, I was intrigued to read a script that was only one page. I guess it's kind of like flash fiction. It's hard to develop characters and dialog in just one page. I do believe a plot, characters, and a conclusion were achieved. Good job! The conflict? Was the monster real? Was he a hallucination? I think he was supposed to be the monster under the bed. Perhaps the main character really was dying. The monster realized he was in the wrong room. When the monster left, perhaps the doors between our world and the next closed. Odd that the sick man woke up completely well. He read the correct dosage of his medication. Perhaps he overdosed which caused him to hallucinate. Or maybe he didn't. That's the question, isn't it? I think it's great for a one page script. Well done! Best of luck to you.
Oh my dog! I freaking loved this script! It was fun, fast paced, and had great characters and plot. I loved the development of the dead Presidents. Filmore was awesome. In real history, he was a completely forgettable President. His duplicity was unexpected. he was a great protagonist. Nixon was also a fun character. Ah, President Nixon. Because "I resigned, I was not impeached". Ha! I got the biggest kick out of the scene where he was totally messing with Benneton, convincing him first to poison the President and then compelling him not to. The poetic justice here is that President Chance Garfield was starting to look crazy talking to the dead Presidents that no one else could see. Benneton looked like a crazed lunatic when he knocked the glass from Chance's hands. I found it irritating that President Chance ditched so many of his formal duties to spend time with his kids during his first 100 days of office. Don't change it. It's perfect in the story. It shows his close bond to his family and that his core morals are good. I didn't completely understand the President's obsession with pancakes but I still found it hilarious. (Of foil. Off oil). I thought the byplay of Benneton and the President was well done. It was great when Benneton was undermined by the President while trying to undermine the President. Ha! I think my favorite funny moment is when the kids scream in terror and we think they have just seen the ghosts, but they really just saw their parents kissing. I enjoyed the cameos of President Theodore Roosevelt and President Ronald Reagan. Perhaps some of the best nuances were lost on me because I'm not the best at knowing American history. But the ones I got, I really enjoyed. I hope you find this review helpful. Best of luck to you!
Dear Mr. Bader, Please note that these are only my opinions, take what is helpful and leave the rest. I think the script creates suspense well. I like how you used the tool of "I'm sorry" throughout. I like that there is depth to the main character and we can see how he came to be who he is. It is a little confusing that there are two Laura's, the wife, and the psychiatric patient. A point of technicality, when Michael injects Cloe with a partial dose of a paralytic, I wonder if you know that the paralytic medications not only inhibit muscle movement, but also breathing. The diaphram is a muscle that we use to breath. I think it is acceptable because it was just a partial dose. If she is still breathing, she might have some movement. It would be interesting to know what Cloe's thoughts were about her near death situation after she survives. Good job explaining the overdosing of Michael's antipsychotic medication which causes trembling and spasms. Perhaps it was contributing to his psychotic behavior. I thought your stage direction and headings were good. Concise. I understand what you were doing with the son, Lucas. You were laying the foundation for a legacy of mental illness and suicidal thinkers. I'm not sure what Michael wanted Lucas to do about the bullies, but perhaps that's the point. He just wanted his son to keep his head down, accept the abuse, and try to focus on the real world. Again, just my opinion, doesn't mean it's right. The character of Michael's wife, Laura is a misplaced dynamic. Laura is annoying, which is totally fine in this story. She is smart and a loving wife and mother. She's a good character. I think the psychosis of Michael might be more believable if he didn't have such a solid, supportive person in his life. She loves him. She wants to help him. She could actually ground him from his psychotic delusions. She's a good woman, one that might keep Michael a little more sane than he is. But I suppose mental illness doesn't always remain controlled just because of external forces. On page 11, you introduce the young child who is an inpatient or Michael's former self. You place that child at age 13 or 14. I think that is too old. I suggest 7 to 10. A child who should still have innocence and appears small. Just my suggestion. Overall, great work! I hope you find my feedback helpful.