In hopes of helping you here, I can't honestly give better score than I did above. However, I'm going to give you the page by issues and give you an example (on the first one) of turning a blow by blow account into story telling, by creating moving pictures and characters we can visualize. You need to be more active in your action statements. Don't have them "sitting and stare" over 4 lines of your script. (blow by blow account). A character name and age give us nothing to see as a 20 year old girl could look a hundred different ways. In the end the casting call will go out for girl,.20's, and a description that YOU give. Relationships can't come in action lines, they must come from dialogue. So here's an example of the opening scene, doing the above 3 things: ABIGAIL, a nerdy 20 year old with glasses, pours over a book. She looks across at ELIZABETH, a frail 52, with premature gray and a sickly hue to her skin, scribbling in a notebook. (can you see them in your head now?) ABIGAIL You feeling okay, Mom? (This is how the audience SEE the relationship) Elizabeth shrugs and goes back to her scribbling. Abigail sets her book aside and watches her mother long enough for Elizabeth to take notice. (different from Abigail stares and they go back to what they were doing). Without looking up - ELIZABETH Wanna go eat lunch at the diner? Hopefully that helps make what I'm commenting on clearer for you. Typo pg2 you have a question mark on the last line of dialogue. You've just told us they were in the theatre, so your slugline should just say RESTROOM. And you need time of day on ALL sluglines (even if it's just CONTINUOUS). The premise of the clip is that Elizabeth has cancer, but you literal only give 2 lines of dialogue and then bury her. You should explore what that conversation would be about instead of just revealing it and tossing it aside with "I told you to stop smoking". Ironically, if this was a full blown script it would be okay to get us to the diner by page 5 and use the next copy of pages for the reveal, so that by page 15 we'll know which is the main character and where you're taking us.
This is very funny little short. Comedy is great when you get tagged with an unexpected line like "Help! I'm loose"... cracked me up. There is actually a story which is a good accomplishment considering the unusual concept, which was great. the biggest issues is that there is good prose (which could easily be turned into visual shots). I've tagged some below (not all but some). You have some where it should be shots and others that would be better served as dialogue (because it wont come off as exposition), but as they're written right now it's prose. There are a few formatting issues, but nothing that couldn't be easily address (again see below). Dialogue was great. It was amusing hearing the different attitudes from the different teeth. Definitely see this as a short that I could see being used on a kid's show or perhaps in between cartoon shows.
This was a funny concept and funny execution. Besides a few technical issues listed below, the biggest issue was there was no where to take it beyond the current page count. It would make a hysterical video clip but unfortunately nothing more (as far as I can see). Your logline has Jone's when it should be Jones' The final was was 30 years ago - is prose and the only way to tell us is a SUPER: 30 years after the fail You need to give Jones a description. you don't need to waste time and space telling us a mannequin doesn't reply. can't film him doing math in his head. All your Where? are lacking the question marks. You only need fade to black or the end, not both. I really enjoyed reading this but as I said I'd like to see you do something that would last longer than 6 pages.
First thing - this is a spec script and you're not the director, so you need to remove all the ECU's and Zooms... not your job as the writer. second you only capitalize a character on their FIRST intro, not over and over again. p1. What is "average" height? if it's not relevant, don't put it in the description. "Obviously struck with..." this is a thought and thus prose, and can't be filmed. the only way for us to know that Kay is Alex's mother is dialogue, not action statement. Your mixing action lines and parentheticals: Yours: Quietly, as Alex notices Kay's perturbed nature, Alex whispers. Alex What? Should be: Alex notices Kay attempting to get his attention. Alex (whispers) What? Then the gesturing is actually an action line, not a parenthetical. A little disquieted is again prose. . should be .. audience, who doesn't respond. p2. You should flip your action statement BEFORE the VO, not after. the scene should be - MOVING Again, you're not the director - eliminate the camera directions. O.S. is a dialogue device. Simply say the cell phone RINGS from the front seat. Gonna stop pointing out the camera directions as you have obviously done it throughout the script... it is incorrect. Okay, we can't see someone that isn't in the car, and even if we could we have no way of knowing that it's Alex's cousin and we don't even know who Jonathon is ... again this is dialogue not action lines and parentheticals. p3. He realizes it must be something horrible, but can't possibly know yet how bad it is. This is prose and can't be filmed. You don't use cut to: the new slugline tells us that we're cutting to a new scene. "almost" ... he is either annoying or he's not. What is a "stack" of cheddar cheese? Sorry, but if this is the reason for title... well, it's cheesy. p4 "The second EMPLOYEE's comment was no matter to ALEX and KAY as they kept laughing. On and on they went". more prose. Montages have "-" before each scene Again don't know who Jonathan is and need a description (physical, not who he's related to) since this is the first time you intro him. Same with Judy. We can't tell that Jonathan is telling her he's going to get married because the montage is MOS. who is "the whole family". No need for the Montage continues. Final "More"... of what? the entire stadium of families? pg 6 I"m asking myself as we keep switching locations, what was the purpose of starting at the funeral if everything is just one continuous flashback. (especially given that at the end we go back to a different funeral with a different speaker). The wedding is wonderful, beautiful... prose, unless you describe what's so special. otherwise we already know it's a wedding. p7. "a few other family members"... how do we know this? At this point (from a dialogue stand point) we don't know who is related to who or how. The only way to show these relationships is through dialogue. And to be honest, I don't see how any of it matters so far. He is a little less excited now, but still ready and anxious to find time with JONATHON at some point. - more prose we can't film. Seriously, what is the point of the incorrectly formatted bartender montage? It's not a scene because he doesn't pound the beers one after another, and thus requires passage of time and again.... Beyond that what is the point other than occupying a page and a half? p8. He plays a good game, but he is flustered none the less. - what are you trying to tell us here? p9. The bar scene is tedious and pointless and causing me to question why I'm reading this, because it has nothing to do with anything. p10. A 9 page VO isn't good when you have something exciting going on, it's a nightmare when it's exposition disguised as dialogue, especially given that now we see the point is that the speaker is dead.
What is one to do when money doesn't buy happiness? A spoilt 1920’s London aristocrat, with no skills at all, must persevere for one year without access to his wealth to find his answer.