In hopes of helping you here, I can't honestly give better score than I did above.
However, I'm going to give you the page by issues and give you an example (on the first one) of turning a blow by blow account into story telling, by creating moving pictures and characters we can visualize.
You need to be more active in your action statements. Don't have them "sitting and stare" over 4 lines of your script. (blow by blow account).
A character name and age give us nothing to see as a 20 year old girl could look a hundred different ways. In the end the casting call will go out for girl,.20's, and a description that YOU give.
Relationships can't come in action lines, they must come from dialogue.
So here's an example of the opening scene, doing the above 3 things:
ABIGAIL, a nerdy 20 year old with glasses, pours over a book.
She looks across at ELIZABETH, a frail 52, with premature gray and a sickly hue to her skin, scribbling in a notebook. (can you see them in your head now?)
ABIGAIL
You feeling okay, Mom? (This is how the audience SEE the relationship)
Elizabeth shrugs and goes back to her scribbling.
Abigail sets her book aside and watches her mother long enough for Elizabeth to take notice. (different from Abigail stares and they go back to what they were doing).
Without looking up -
ELIZABETH
Wanna go eat lunch at the diner?
Hopefully that helps make what I'm commenting on clearer for you.
Typo pg2 you have a question mark on the last line of dialogue.
You've just told us they were in the theatre, so your slugline should just say RESTROOM. And you need time of day on ALL sluglines (even if it's just CONTINUOUS).
The premise of the clip is that Elizabeth has cancer, but you literal only give 2 lines of dialogue and then bury her. You should explore what that conversation would be about instead of just revealing it and tossing it aside with "I told you to stop smoking".
Ironically, if this was a full blown script it would be okay to get us to the diner by page 5 and use the next copy of pages for the reveal, so that by page 15 we'll know which is the main character and where you're taking us.
