In hopes of helping you here, I can't honestly give better score than I did above. However, I'm going to give you the page by issues and give you an example (on the first one) of turning a blow by blow account into story telling, by creating moving pictures and characters we can visualize. You need to be more active in your action statements. Don't have them "sitting and stare" over 4 lines of your script. (blow by blow account). A character name and age give us nothing to see as a 20 year old girl could look a hundred different ways. In the end the casting call will go out for girl,.20's, and a description that YOU give. Relationships can't come in action lines, they must come from dialogue. So here's an example of the opening scene, doing the above 3 things: ABIGAIL, a nerdy 20 year old with glasses, pours over a book. She looks across at ELIZABETH, a frail 52, with premature gray and a sickly hue to her skin, scribbling in a notebook. (can you see them in your head now?) ABIGAIL You feeling okay, Mom? (This is how the audience SEE the relationship) Elizabeth shrugs and goes back to her scribbling. Abigail sets her book aside and watches her mother long enough for Elizabeth to take notice. (different from Abigail stares and they go back to what they were doing). Without looking up - ELIZABETH Wanna go eat lunch at the diner? Hopefully that helps make what I'm commenting on clearer for you. Typo pg2 you have a question mark on the last line of dialogue. You've just told us they were in the theatre, so your slugline should just say RESTROOM. And you need time of day on ALL sluglines (even if it's just CONTINUOUS). The premise of the clip is that Elizabeth has cancer, but you literal only give 2 lines of dialogue and then bury her. You should explore what that conversation would be about instead of just revealing it and tossing it aside with "I told you to stop smoking". Ironically, if this was a full blown script it would be okay to get us to the diner by page 5 and use the next copy of pages for the reveal, so that by page 15 we'll know which is the main character and where you're taking us.
This is very funny little short. Comedy is great when you get tagged with an unexpected line like "Help! I'm loose"... cracked me up. There is actually a story which is a good accomplishment considering the unusual concept, which was great. the biggest issues is that there is good prose (which could easily be turned into visual shots). I've tagged some below (not all but some). You have some where it should be shots and others that would be better served as dialogue (because it wont come off as exposition), but as they're written right now it's prose. There are a few formatting issues, but nothing that couldn't be easily address (again see below). Dialogue was great. It was amusing hearing the different attitudes from the different teeth. Definitely see this as a short that I could see being used on a kid's show or perhaps in between cartoon shows.
This was a funny concept and funny execution. Besides a few technical issues listed below, the biggest issue was there was no where to take it beyond the current page count. It would make a hysterical video clip but unfortunately nothing more (as far as I can see). Your logline has Jone's when it should be Jones' The final was was 30 years ago - is prose and the only way to tell us is a SUPER: 30 years after the fail You need to give Jones a description. you don't need to waste time and space telling us a mannequin doesn't reply. can't film him doing math in his head. All your Where? are lacking the question marks. You only need fade to black or the end, not both. I really enjoyed reading this but as I said I'd like to see you do something that would last longer than 6 pages.