It is clear you've spent a lot of time working on this. I think you did a great job in character development and everyone fits perfectly their role. We have a victim, someone who's a threat and someone who is here to help. So everything is here. Maybe the dialogue in the hospital could've been just a little bit longer in the sense of that it seems to me quite unusual that a suicidal girl agreed to a deal so easy and Jane didn't have to insist more. I think in the hospital, their first moment together should be something meaningful. Jane needs to get to Mary. Each of them needs to share something. To open up so that Mary can trust Jane and believe that she can help her. That's how I see it. When making descriptions cut them shorter or don't put big pieces of text together. What I mean is if you have a big piece of text, cut it into smaller ones made up of 2 sentences each so that you won't have a giant piece of text which appears unpleasant to the readers. At least to some. To me it's not a problem but try to either make it shorter or cut it into more sentences so that it would be more pleasant to read. The idea is good and it suggests a great upcoming story. Good luck!
Unfortunately there are so many movies about werewolves, vampires, superheroes and so on that it's going to be hard to be original in that topic but still I found the story up until now intriguing due to well described places, the main character and his purpose in life seems to be clear but not what is going to be his obstacle because there has to be one of course. The back up story is a good idea because it shows where the character comes from and it makes the story itself a lot more engaging so I highly approve you putting that in the screenplay. Now I'll go back to the places description which was quite well done and tell you to try using a bit less words while keeping them the same which is a skill that takes time to learn but this is a story that requires much description and you will run out of pages without having enough space for the dialogues and the real action. Just my opinion but I think you'll have a use of this.
I wish this was longer because I didn't expect what happened at the end. I definitely didn't see that coming. It was good. The idea is very good and relatable to many people I think (without the killing part hopefully). But this can grow into something bigger I think. Short but enough to bring us into Jeff's life and to make us feel his feelings and probably relate to what he did at the end. The way Justin dismissed him was perfectly executed especially the second time, when he came to him and told him to come back when he has real talent. He deserved whatever he had coming. But maybe the one that deserved it the most was Sebastian due to his behavior in total. If you decide to start criminal thriller, this is a good start, except that your main character has to stay alive haha. However as I said this could grow longer and could as well stay the way it is now. It is not like every other killer movie nowadays and that's what makes is more appealing to the reader/viewer. Great job!
We've all watched superhero movies. Most of them having one person having to save the world and most of them are too similar to be called original. Yours, however, is something else. Easy to follow, great characters, in the sense that they have their original traits, the build up from one moment to another is greatly done. The good thing is that you have 5 champions each of which could give him own storyline in every episode which will make it far from boring to watch. Having a different character as main every episode. However, I wasn't imagining it as an animation. Definitely not. At least for me. Sure it could resemble many animation/anime series but still I see it more as being done with real people. In my head popped the idea of them having to go through obstacles before they are ready to fight. Something to prepare them in the upcoming 2-3 episodes. That's up to you but that's how I see the things going. As I said it was fun to read. Maybe they had spent too much time in that temple. In my eyes. Usually in series nothing goes too good for too long. In a normal series they would've been interrupted by a monster long before the ceremony had been finished which brings me to the idea that they can actually be attacked by blight in the temple itself. I just felt there was too much time without tension going on. There was just those dialogues between the Goddess and the champions. This doesn't mean that it's bad but rather that it could definitely be improved. The description were good and easy to imagine. Great work!
Well, I don't think I've across the word "weed" in my life more than I had while reading this script. For real. It was too much, literally too much. I don't remember a page without coming across this and having this as something that is in the centre of your story ruins it totally in every aspect in my eyes. It's perfectly fine to have it mentioned from time to time but not a movie about drugs. This won't be a box office hit, in my opinion. Put more emphasis on Eli aside from his friends and give him some time with Penny. Show some of their story, how they met, what happened, what led to this moment from the beggining. Some flashbacks never hurt and give more sense to the relations between the characters from the story. It gives life to them. Another thing that is easy to notice is how similar are the characters to each other simply because all of them talk about weed. (well almost all of them). Sometimes I even had to read the same page twice to realize who's who because I got confused in the process. Every character should have unique traits and speak differently from the others. Generic characters, like teens with drug addiction won't make it far. Change your characters and bring more sense to the story. The script itself is not engaging. It doesn't give you a reason to want to know what happens next. It has to have either something thrilling in it or a romance between the main character and someone else in order to make it interesting because the way you wrote it is simply- from school to Jimmy's house, to Liam's house, to Jess' house and so on. Bring a new element. Something worth and bring it early in the script to create interest. It could be transformed into something big but needs A LOT of work.