Ok, my comment would be filled more with suggestions rather that critics because there were just a few things that I consider I should point out as a mistake or bad decision. Starting with the characters and more specifically the dialogues- all in all good but the fact the many of the characters use so much "fuck/fucking" makes them way too similar to each other. One of the rules of screenwriting is that no character should speak like another character and here that rule is broken. At least in my eyes. Leave it for just one of the characters because you create similarity between them even though it's unintentional. Leave the scenes on a cliffhanger and come back much later. The perfect example for this would be when Satan and the other 2 were dealing with Exile when he Satan was introducing it to them and that he has a plan about him, then we went for just a few minutes in Veronica's house and then right back to Satan revealing what is about to happen. Slow the pace down at that point to create mystery about what is to happen. Instead of sending Victor and Jacob back to Satan after Veronica's house scene, show us what Jacob and Victor are doing, thus avoiding giving the info about Satan's plan straightaway. Another idea that came up to me while reading- it might go like this- Victor decided to attack SVF but gets defeated and in his anger decides to seek help from Satan which(this is another detail) has a cursed axe in his head which keeps him dead only while it's in his head. This way you'll add to the build-up of the story and you will show how Satan got out alive instead of just leaving him dead in the beggining and then out of a sudden he comes back. Maybe the story lacks a bit of emotion that would cause the reader to like the characters more- I am excluding the conversation between Veronica and SVF in her house where they talked about themselves and it got a bit emotional. I think the story need a little bit more emotion and less violence, that is the best way for me to say it. Describing violent scenes takes too much of your space in the script. This can be filled with meaningful dialogues that would appeal to the reader/watcher more! Good luck, buddy!
It is clear you've spent a lot of time working on this. I think you did a great job in character development and everyone fits perfectly their role. We have a victim, someone who's a threat and someone who is here to help. So everything is here. Maybe the dialogue in the hospital could've been just a little bit longer in the sense of that it seems to me quite unusual that a suicidal girl agreed to a deal so easy and Jane didn't have to insist more. I think in the hospital, their first moment together should be something meaningful. Jane needs to get to Mary. Each of them needs to share something. To open up so that Mary can trust Jane and believe that she can help her. That's how I see it. When making descriptions cut them shorter or don't put big pieces of text together. What I mean is if you have a big piece of text, cut it into smaller ones made up of 2 sentences each so that you won't have a giant piece of text which appears unpleasant to the readers. At least to some. To me it's not a problem but try to either make it shorter or cut it into more sentences so that it would be more pleasant to read. The idea is good and it suggests a great upcoming story. Good luck!
When a boy starts having memories from other people's lives he finds out he was part of a secret project that wanted to create a perfect killer artificially but he managed to escape. Will he stand against the project or become what they created him to be?