Teaser is really good, it reminded me of Arrival, the emotion of discovering something new. The beggining of act one, pages 2 to 6, is less stellar in my opinion. It's basically exposition. Pages 7 and 8. I didn't get the conversation with the Woman. At the very least it lacked conflict. And the resolution, the "I'm sorry" came out of nowhere. Page 13. It is disappointed that this series of shots aren't developed more. Instead of the two women standing there talking, they could've been doing something. Like in Lost, the TV show, most of the time the dialogue happened while the characters were trekking through the jungle, or exploring something. It's a missed opportunity. The ending is excellent, like in your other short. So, in my opinion, in this script the more the characters do things the more interesting is. The action parts are outstanding, and the setting is very well done described despite the difficulty. My feedback for this would be to try to hide exposition as much as you can, especially in the first act. One of the films that does this better is Terminator 1 — so there's this scene in the first act when the male protagonist saves the chick from the Terminator, and while they are in a car chase, followed by the bad guy, he explains everything to her, the exposition dump. Now compare this with Inception, which its first act is basically a boring videogame tutorial. Hope this makes sense. The Trip is better than Vector, in my opinion. Nice work.
Hey, I finished reading your script and first of all I really liked it — and I'm into crime flicks. Overall i think it’s an entertaining story, if made by/with the right people i would definitely watch it. Other than this I'd like to know the target audience of this script? I mean, not gritty and violent enough to get the audience of Sicario or ZeroZeroZero, and not soft and dramatic enough to get the female audience. Food for tought. I understand, however, that giving you a thumbs up is not really helpful feedback so I'll focus on basically the only issue I had with this, the dialogue — So Spanish is my first language and I tell you that I absolutely hate when characters mix both languages, that's very movie-like and unnatural, something I'd never say. And there's a lot of this, almost in every page. Random examples: "Sí, José. Sí. A thousand times, sí." "This little avión won’t fail me;" "¡Dios mío! Too bitter." The last one specially, if you're cursing you do it in your language entirely. I can't add notes to your script because you requested the review before the feature was activated, I think, but I'll try to help with the Spanish — Pages 5, 7, 13, 17, 18, 19, 26, 31, 32, 34, 37, 40, 44, 46, 47, 48, 49, 56 - Not to freet, señor. (Señor is like mister, it's only capitalized when goes before a name) Pages 6, 27, 28, 35, 36, 57 - Climb aboard, señores. Pag. 8 - ...pudgy priest of Iglesia de Dios. (What is a church of God? Like the name of the building? Anyhow perhaps it'll sound better as "priest of la Iglesia de Dios") Pag. 14: ¿Transporte, señores? (If the dialogue is entirely in Spanish then it adheres to Spanish grammar) Pages 14, 26, 27, 31, 39, 40, 46, 48, 59, 61: Sí. Hotelito El Piloto. (Si with accent mark when you're affirming something) Pag. 14: ¿Equipaje? Sí. Pag. 22: ¡Bebé grande! Big baby! (This sounds horrendous) Pag. 23: What’s the matter with my little Niña? (it would sound better if instead of "my little Niña" you write "mi niñita". But that's just an opinion not a typo) Pag. 25: "Ring the bell, Fausto. ¡Lanzarse! Hurry, my son, hurry!" (Lanzarse doesn't sound good there) Pag. 26, 27, 28, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 47, 51, 54: María (accent mark) Pag. 37: ¡Los bruto! Beasts! (I don't know what does that mean "Los Bruto" there) Pag. 40: ¡Apúrese! (accent mark) Pag. 41: Instead of "moribunda", "¡Se está muriendo!" Pag. 42: ¿Qué tan enferma está? Pag. 42: Síntomas? (accent mark) Pag. 46: García (accent mark) Pag. 50: bandidos Pag. 54: Ayúdame (accent mark) Pag. 60: Doctor Gallo está en cuarentena One last thing, this is not a short, dude. At 64 pages this is even longer than most teleplays. This is a feature, a short one but still. Please let me know if I’m an idiot and have missed something.
SYNOPSIS: This is The Walking Dead basically. Two women escape a horde of zombies (infected people) burning them with diesel. After that, they find a young man bitten and hopeless, and abandon him because they can't chop off his hand without killing him as they don't have any surgical equipment. Perhaps it was worth a try, because he turns zombie seconds after the women leave. Then they find a 13 year old girl, who one of the women suspects is her daughter. We don't know. She thinks her daughter was in the previous horde. There's a setpiece when their truck gets stuck with zombies and the women get to sleep. With the zombies pinned outside! That's unrealisticly careless. Midpoint. The next day starts with exposition of the other woman. They set off in bikes and there's another setpiece where we discover this zombies run. So at least they are the best kind of zombies. The woman gets bitten and the other one has to kill her. The remaining woman gets to the civilization where they tell her the virus that infected everyone burns itself out after 48 hours. Everyone gets better. Without vaccines and curfew, see? So killing the other woman, and everyone, was dramatically pointless. In the final scene in the hospital, the woman finds her daughter. The end. FEEDBACK: Originality, or the lack of it, that's the issue I find. What's the point of this story? The ending. The ending is great. But it doesn't have an incredible dramatic impact as it is written. Like, Lettie kills the doctor but she was forced to, it is not a reversal, she shouldn't lose sleep because of it. Now imagine you switch up character traits. the doctor is the weak one who doesn't want to kill anyone, and Lettie wants to kill every zombie she finds in her way, because she is pissed cause she saw her daughter die in front of her eyes. So Lettie burns the first horde of zombies, kills the young man, kills every zombie on the road, including her daughter look-a-like, and kills the doctor even when the doctor begs her not to — bitch is relentless. A roaring rampage of revenge. And then she gets to the hospital and finds everyone cures itself, and on top of that her daughter is not dead so she doesn't even have that excuse anymore. That would be an amazing and shocking ending, with a huge payoff for the character. That's just an example, I won't dare to tell you how to write your story, but as it is now, the ending is weaker (than it could be, it is a great ending anyway) because that's not as shocking for the character. More things I noted: * The title and the cover image made me think this was going to be a superhero story, to be honest. * Dialogue reads natural but is heavy on exposition. I mean, please ma'am stop bitching about your ex-husband, there are zombies everywhere, not the moment or the place. * The writing is outstanding, which is why I put the X on writer consider. * "If it happens to me, you'll have to kill me too." that's not a logline, that's a tagline, like the one they put on the movie posters. A logline is a summary of the story in one or two sentences. https://www.indiewire.com/feature/how-to-write-the-perfect-logline-and-why-its-as-important-as-your-screenplay-31710/ Hope it helps!
To stop a civil war, a stealth operative must infiltrate a cartel stronghold, posing as a surgeon, and terminate Venezuela's top crime boss, who's in need of immediate medical attention.