Marcin from high jumper to writer, found natural creative progression through telling stories and implementing the sports efficiency into the writing and business processes. While working on his book “Jump Over it”, he noticed a strong correlation between our motivation and the Three-Act Structure. His passion for screenwriting started from there.
The time loop is an interesting point of view for losing teeth. It has some potential. But... Before I dive into my thoughts – this is not a finished short script. It looks more like a beginning to something bigger. I must say I was a little bit disappointed at the end that I couldn’t learn where you’re heading with this. And this is the question you need to ask yourself: What does the tooth need to learn through this loop? When you look at the successful movies with time loops (i.e. Groundhog Day, Palm Spring, Edge of Tomorrow, Source Code) you’ll see that the protagonist is stuck in the timeline for some reason (his flaw he needs to overcome). In your story I`m not sure what the story is about and who is your audience. You have to decide is it for children (educational value) or for adults (a tooth is an epitome of what/who?). Before we worry about someone, we first need to care about them. We need to see why we should care for the tooth. Now we just see it flying in the air – nothing else. It’s not enough to arouse curiosity. You have to be clear whenever you see inside of the mouth and outside of the mouth (DREW). When Drew is talking to his Dad and we are inside the mouth there should be (V.O.) or (O.S.) if we just hear them and they are not present on the screen. I would also say it takes more than one time to realize that something is wrong and you are in the time loop. Consider adding a few more short scenes where Snaggle has a chance to understand that something is wrong. Most of all decide what your character needs to learn of this journey – now it’s vague and it’s the possible reason you’ve finished it mid-writing. I`ve marked some of my thoughts and questions on the script - so go into the SCRIPT NOTES tab above. Best of luck developing and refining your story!
After reading Sophie's story, my first association was to combine Olive from "Easy A" and Kat from "Euphoria". I think these are very good associations because both were strong protagonists and Sophie also has a chance to join them. She has a chance because your script lacks a few key elements that will allow viewers to get to know Sophie better and identify with her problems, root for her, and understand why she is doing it. In Euphoria, Kat, like Sophie, became a cam girl. Before that happened, we had a chance to see that she had been humiliated for her weight for years. She felt an outcast from society and hated her appearance. At one point, it turned out that the persona created as a cam girl made a difference. She began to accept herself and began to gain self-confidence. She felt from one extreme to the other. That's what I missed in your script - the opportunity to meet Sophie before she became a cam girl. Show her financial difficulties, social issues, tensions between girlfriends, etc. Allow viewers to feel empathy and understand why she took this step. If money is her only motivation - it may not be enough to continue watching the next episode. Here I will go to the next point, which is the conflict. In the first scene, you show Sophie answering the phone and immediately jump to the flashback. It is not enough to arouse curiosity. Before we worry about someone, we first need to care about them. This is related to the previous point about the introduction of the "normal life" and your heroine's problems. (if you send me your e-mail address via the message box - I will send you a Netflix + Stage32 scriptwriting video training via WeTransfer). I think it will help you in terms of structure and history. Show her the first show - how, for example, she overcomes shyness or turns red, puts on a mask so that no one will recognize her – it’s a strong point of entry into a new world. Characters Write something more about the characters, not only about their appearance, but what they are from the character. This will allow the viewer to understand the decisions made by the characters. This is where the most work is needed - viewers need to understand why they do what they do and what they want/need. Especially for Sophie. Potential conflict You have an interesting element that can fuel the entire series. While sending underpants by mail, she asked for registered mail. She may give a return address by mistake, and thus some stalker will enter her life and create real conflict is ready. Formatting Avoid directing the camera. The new scene is understood as "cut to" Less voice-over - more normal action. Change all –ing to present Simple. There are a few unnecessary breaks - I marked them on the script When you introduce Trista, it should be TRISTA and a few words about Her. Skip all 'good mornings' No need for italics in action lines. Good luck with your story!
Your story reminded me of Wolverine (probably because of the main character's regeneration ability), Lobo from DC Comics (mercenary and bounty hunter). My first thought after reading half of the script was, "I would play a game like that." You have a lot of animations and special effects in your story, so converting it into a game scenario should not be that complicated. In some respects, you could sneak in some stuff that won't work in a movie screenplay Well, we evaluate the stories in terms of the movie script. Below you’ll find some points that caught my eye. These are loose observations and a list of questions that popped into my head while reading. Story Your story has a lot of potentials to be a great movie. Especially that you have all the elements you need. In some cases, a small rearrangement of the beats is all you require. What I missed the most was a conflict (not skirmishes). This is probably the problem of all undefeated heroes - since no one can kill them, after a while the story starts to get boring. I guess that's why Superman got kryptonite. If SVF cannot be killed - each subsequent fight is just a rerun of the next chop, in which the viewers know who will win anyway (without surprise it’s difficult to keep the viewer on the edge of the seat). You have very nice and dynamically described fight scenes. Here I have the question about the final battle: Why do the demons come upon him one by one and not all at once? More difficulties for the main character = the Audience will root for him even more. I didn't quite understand Satan's intentions and his relationship with SVF. Is he trying to kill him or not? And here comes another problem. Since neither one can be killed, what is at stake in the story? Potential conflicts to use: It is SVF who finds the killed Cherry Balm (we do not say that he is dead before – unnecessary flashback) and then he sets off on the demons and Satan - thanks to that the revenge theme looks better. Victor doesn't want to kill SVF because he wants to kill Satan too - why wouldn't he ally with SVF, and they could fight together. SVF knows he killed Veronica's parents and then the dialogues and their relationship would be more strained. I know it's a sequel, but without reading the previous story, it's hard to combine these facts. During Griffon's last visit to Veronica and the subsequent meeting with Chief Adrian, it occurred to me: What if Griffin had Veronica kidnapped (Satan works with him) and Chief Adrian is not who he says he is. SVF is right in the middle of a bigger plot. Characters I think you have the most work here. SVF may say he doesn't care about anything and slash more monsters, but deep down he cares about something (see The Witcher). Now, I don't know why he agrees to work for Griffon. He could have ignored him because no one would hurt him anyway. If demons couldn't hurt him, what would people do to him? SVF's emotional relationship with Victoria has to come from something. For now, emotions seem to pop out of nowhere (the viewer must see that the characters have earned them). Here’s a nice conflict idea: SVF killed her parents, and he knows it. She doesn't know it and falls in love with him. Later she finds out and is furious and hates him. Then he learns that it was not SVF's fault but Satan and forgives him, but it may be too late because a bunch of monsters is about to kill SVF, etc. It would also be nice to understand why Victor wants to betray Satan. At some stage you say: Andrew's an alcoholic, Hilary was abused by her biological mom. Show it: Let Andrew drinks from the bottle all the time and Hilary reveal the features of the anxiety. I also have a problem with Satan - if he knows that he cannot be killed, why is he panicked and nervous? Structure / Formatting You did a great job with the structure. The only thing that seemed redundant to me was the flashback as Victor tells what Cherry Balm did. In my opinion, it’s unnecessary. It would have worked much better if the SVF found her, got furious, and rushed to avenge her. At some points, you can think of action lines. At a few points, you also have the past tense. Dialogue When SVF meets new people and explains what he does, it seems like a normal situation. Remember that the viewer is a fly on the wall in every scene and starts annoying him when he hears dialogues and stories repeated several times. See you 6 feet under - the demons are dead and SVF cannot be killed anyway. On the nose - SVF explains to Satan that Victor wanted to kill him. Why? Summary You have an interesting story that with a little more inner conflict added in can be great. I recommend watching The Witcher series because Geralt is also a mercenary devoid of feelings, but certain events make him care and his relationship with Ciri and Yenefer is credible. Good luck fine-tuning your story.
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