Story The story was very good from an animation point of view, from the beginning 10 minutes I was interested in the story to see where it would go. Especially, by including the fight scene as one of the opening scenes in the script, it would keep the reader hooked to how far these scenes can truly go. I did care about some of the characters dilemmas, but I was most intrigued by the world that was created in this script. It definitely had quite a gothic touch to it with a lot of the scenes being held in Morgues and Cemeteries etc. I’d really like to have learned more about this place, is it small town/village on the outskirts? Or is it a large city filled with people? With this being a TV Series, I was expecting an ending that would progress the story to determine what the overall goal of the characters would be going forward. An example of this would be, Greg Is his goal mainly to follow in his families footsteps? Or is it to find a way to bring his parents back? I enjoyed this story from start to finish, although I would like to have seen more of a conclusion that opens up for the series to progress. Perhaps, Graham and Greg are travelling further due to frequent sightings of undead in other areas. Characters I do have a minor fault with the Characters names, it’s not a huge deal but a lot of the characters names begin with G, making it kinda difficult to follow which character is who. Graham, Greg, Grant. That as a reader I found it a tad difficult figuring out which character was which, until later in the script. I had to return to the beginning of the script to try and figure out which is which. It’s still unknown to how long Greg has been doing this job for, as when Graham and Greg as dissecting the construct. Greg complains at how it stinks, he seems rather confident in regard to his negotiation skills when speaking to Chief Henderson, but seems rather fragile in this area. It would be interesting to see how far along Greg is with his training. Minor complaint with Greg is he comes across too strong/perfect, he’s a confident speaker when interrogating Shelley, he has a photographic memory and he seems to be perfectly capable with technology. I’m just trying to notice if there are any faults in the character, even when he’s fighting the undead he comes across rather competent to deal with them. I appreciated the time you took in making the antagonist Blumenstein into a tragic villain, while he may not be a threat physically, his knowledge is his greatest strength. His backstory makes him relatable, that he’s not evil for no reason he’s a good man that has taken a darker route in order to get what he wants. Dialogue It is quite dialogue heavy, I understand that in the beginning episode there needs to be exposition to explain what is happening. However, in some cases the dialogue can be too much an example on this is as page 10 is ending and page 11 is starting, Greg is speaking around 7 lines. This could be split up by putting an action in between the dialogue. Perhaps the characters pauses or hesitates when speaking about the incident that took place. You definitely know how to write exposition without making it too obvious, often exposition comes through dialogue rather needlessly other than to tell the audience some information. With your writing the exposition is assisting in moving the story along, that when Graham and Greg are speaking to one another they are giving valuable information without it feeling like forced exposition to get information across to the reader. I’m unsure who Greg is through his dialogue, he was a strong speaker when getting information from the Shelley, but during the fight with Frankie, he was saying 1 Liners “I think Mary Shelley’s gonna sue somebody” “Graham meet Frankie. Frankie, Graham.” He seems too unnaturally calm during the fight, after he had previously complained to Graham that he needs more help during fights. Would he be joking if he’s concerned about his fighting ability? Graham’s dialogue was strong throughout, the rather self-reserved yet goal driven when speaking. He keeps a lot of his emotions under threads when speaking, this made me interested in the character as I was looking for what made this Graham who is he is. Which we do find out in a satisfying end, but it may have been helpful to extend this for a few episodes to reveal why Graham is the way he is. Writing Your writing and the way you structure the screenplay is strong, you provide a wide range of vocabulary that kept be interested as you didn’t rely on using the same words. There was 1 or 2 spelling/grammar errors but don’t look down to hard at that, they always find a way of slipping through. I appreciated the description in regard to the surroundings, there was a lot of attention to detail to the places where characters visited. You created a world that the audience could visualise in some places. When Greg is searching through these multiple rooms, it would be have been a good sign to add more description to this morgue. Take full advantage with small details in animation, just the minor descriptions or characters motions can give a lot provide both information and visuals along with it. INT. MORGUE, THE OFFICE – NIGHT. GREG sneaks through the tidy office, he examines at the papers on the desk. Just outdated Autopsy reports, he shakes his head as he scampers to the Refrigeration Room. INT. MORGUE, THE REFRIGIRATION ROOM – NIGHT. Nothing but cold dead corpses are in this room, GREG holds his nose at the stench these bodies are giving off. He daren’t look under the sheets. GREG makes for a quick exit to the Autopsy room. INT. MORGUE, THE AUTOPSY ROOM – NIGHT GREG lowers his hand away from his nose as the stench disappears. All the tools carefully organised across the dried blood-stained table. The tools are rusty, as GREG is about to pick a blood stained tool up. He spots a set of stairs leading to the basement. Just small descriptions in animation can provide a lot of information with the world that they’re living in.
Story The story itself is intensely relatable from a readers perspective, no one wants to ever see someone they care about being in a life-limiting circumstance. What usually feel with shorts is that lack of attachment to the story, but you were able to hook me immediately at the beginning of Page 2. Which is exactly what is necessary in a short story, that early hook to invite the reader to continue to read. The structure of the story worked, each scene provided a purpose to the overall story. Even the small subtleties of Amelia finding her car keys, assisted in showcasing the relationship Amelia has with her partner Mark. It would have been interesting to see the story have a collision of competing ideas, that Amelia and Mark have different ideas of how to provide for their daughter. That their hearts are in the right places but they just oppose of each other. The conclusion was definitely surprising, which I wasn’t expecting at all. Perhaps a bit more background and explanation to what happened would have been good, but arguably the cliff-hanger you left at the end leaving questions for the reader is more important than tying up loose ends. So I’m indifferent about the ending, I would have liked to seen more but I appreciated the questions I had after the reading it. Characters I really enjoyed the dilemma that Mark was facing, the confliction of his personal beliefs and the fact at how successful medical science is. He wants to provide for his daughter, even if it means going against his personal beliefs. Amelia could have had a bit more personality, as I could probably list how Mark was in this short, but with Amelia I can rarely remember anything she said other than a few issues I had with her dialogue. The daughter, while she was very prominent in the structure of the story, but as a character she came across more as a plot device than a character with personality traits. Arguably, this is Marks story more than anyone else’s, it’s his journey more than the others. Dialogue Although there were points where I felt the dialogue was too melodramatic for my taste, the dialogue did run rather smoothly throughout reading your short. While Mark is the character that was more quotable, I believe there needed to be more dialogue for Amelia to understand what her beliefs are and how far she does believe in those beliefs. Careful when using explanation points in dialogue, it feels as though the character was yelling when a lot of times they weren’t meant to. Such as when Mark was soothing his daughter “I love you princess!” It came across like he was yelling, when he was being comforting. Writing What I appreciated about your work as the level of detail you had to description in relation to the characters emotion, instead of a character say “I’m angry or upset” You incorporated action more than dialogue. Which is needed, character actions can tell more than just the dialogue. Especially your description of the daughter’s room, just the small details of the posters in her room outlines the type of character she is. At the beginning I’m unsure about transitioning between “Mark” and “The man” when referring to Mark. We’ve already been introduced to Mark, so if this character it should usually be their name instead “the man” as it implies it could be a different person than Mark.
That was definitely an interesting experience reading this script, I felt as though your strongest strength is the choice of words that you used throughout the short story. You used words made the characters fit in that particular world, that they seemed to have come from a working -class mentality in most respects. The choice of words made the world, I understood the world that you were trying to portray and you succeeded in bringing this world to life through your choice of words. I found the friendship between the characters to flow quite roughly throughout the story, starting a lot of the conversations with a question. If these characters were truly close to one another, then they would be able to have flowing conversations with one another without the question at the beginning. By putting that question at the beginning, it sets the structure of what this conversation is going to be about, but if this was a conversation amongst friends the dialogue would not always need a question to start a conversation. Just a remark from a character can bring a conversation to life with these characters being so close to one another. The beginning with the character ‘waking up’ is used quite often in a lot of film scripts, it quite an unoriginal opening to the story by having the character simply ‘waking up’ to start the story. It didn’t feel as though it added anything other than the character going through anybody’s routine, if his routine was different then it would be necessary to include it. If you feel it works for you then stick with it, but maybe try to change it up a little instead of ‘waking up, brushing his teeth’ etc. What if he avoids brushing his teeth, shows that he might be unhygienic or maybe they can’t afford a hygienic lifestyle. Small details ignite questions for the readers. The climax and dilemma the characters are facing could have been much bigger than it was, if this was a strong friendship it needed a huge dilemma to test this brotherhood. I felt as though this brotherhood needed a bigger dilemma to test their trust with each other. When reading, I did notice a few grammatical errors throughout which can be distracting for the reader when reading through it. I felt as though I needed to stop and re-read what I just read in order to fully understand what I read or try to understand what you were writing.
The GCSE results are in… the rowdy JACOB and patient LILY have failed. Now is the time for the dreaded resits at College, where a contrary relationship starts to form.