Story
The story was very good from an animation point of view, from the beginning 10 minutes I was interested in the story to see where it would go. Especially, by including the fight scene as one of the opening scenes in the script, it would keep the reader hooked to how far these scenes can truly go.
I did care about some of the characters dilemmas, but I was most intrigued by the world that was created in this script. It definitely had quite a gothic touch to it with a lot of the scenes being held in Morgues and Cemeteries etc. I’d really like to have learned more about this place, is it small town/village on the outskirts? Or is it a large city filled with people?
With this being a TV Series, I was expecting an ending that would progress the story to determine what the overall goal of the characters would be going forward. An example of this would be, Greg Is his goal mainly to follow in his families footsteps? Or is it to find a way to bring his parents back?
I enjoyed this story from start to finish, although I would like to have seen more of a conclusion that opens up for the series to progress. Perhaps, Graham and Greg are travelling further due to frequent sightings of undead in other areas.
Characters
I do have a minor fault with the Characters names, it’s not a huge deal but a lot of the characters names begin with G, making it kinda difficult to follow which character is who. Graham, Greg, Grant. That as a reader I found it a tad difficult figuring out which character was which, until later in the script. I had to return to the beginning of the script to try and figure out which is which.
It’s still unknown to how long Greg has been doing this job for, as when Graham and Greg as dissecting the construct. Greg complains at how it stinks, he seems rather confident in regard to his negotiation skills when speaking to Chief Henderson, but seems rather fragile in this area. It would be interesting to see how far along Greg is with his training.
Minor complaint with Greg is he comes across too strong/perfect, he’s a confident speaker when interrogating Shelley, he has a photographic memory and he seems to be perfectly capable with technology. I’m just trying to notice if there are any faults in the character, even when he’s fighting the undead he comes across rather competent to deal with them.
I appreciated the time you took in making the antagonist Blumenstein into a tragic villain, while he may not be a threat physically, his knowledge is his greatest strength. His backstory makes him relatable, that he’s not evil for no reason he’s a good man that has taken a darker route in order to get what he wants.
Dialogue
It is quite dialogue heavy, I understand that in the beginning episode there needs to be exposition to explain what is happening. However, in some cases the dialogue can be too much an example on this is as page 10 is ending and page 11 is starting, Greg is speaking around 7 lines. This could be split up by putting an action in between the dialogue. Perhaps the characters pauses or hesitates when speaking about the incident that took place.
You definitely know how to write exposition without making it too obvious, often exposition comes through dialogue rather needlessly other than to tell the audience some information. With your writing the exposition is assisting in moving the story along, that when Graham and Greg are speaking to one another they are giving valuable information without it feeling like forced exposition to get information across to the reader.
I’m unsure who Greg is through his dialogue, he was a strong speaker when getting information from the Shelley, but during the fight with Frankie, he was saying 1 Liners “I think Mary Shelley’s gonna sue somebody” “Graham meet Frankie. Frankie, Graham.” He seems too unnaturally calm during the fight, after he had previously complained to Graham that he needs more help during fights. Would he be joking if he’s concerned about his fighting ability?
Graham’s dialogue was strong throughout, the rather self-reserved yet goal driven when speaking. He keeps a lot of his emotions under threads when speaking, this made me interested in the character as I was looking for what made this Graham who is he is. Which we do find out in a satisfying end, but it may have been helpful to extend this for a few episodes to reveal why Graham is the way he is.
Writing
Your writing and the way you structure the screenplay is strong, you provide a wide range of vocabulary that kept be interested as you didn’t rely on using the same words. There was 1 or 2 spelling/grammar errors but don’t look down to hard at that, they always find a way of slipping through.
I appreciated the description in regard to the surroundings, there was a lot of attention to detail to the places where characters visited. You created a world that the audience could visualise in some places.
When Greg is searching through these multiple rooms, it would be have been a good sign to add more description to this morgue. Take full advantage with small details in animation, just the minor descriptions or characters motions can give a lot provide both information and visuals along with it.
INT. MORGUE, THE OFFICE – NIGHT.
GREG sneaks through the tidy office, he examines at the papers on the desk. Just outdated Autopsy reports, he shakes his head as he scampers to the Refrigeration Room.
INT. MORGUE, THE REFRIGIRATION ROOM – NIGHT.
Nothing but cold dead corpses are in this room, GREG holds his nose at the stench these bodies are giving off. He daren’t look under the sheets. GREG makes for a quick exit to the Autopsy room.
INT. MORGUE, THE AUTOPSY ROOM – NIGHT
GREG lowers his hand away from his nose as the stench disappears. All the tools carefully organised across the dried blood-stained table. The tools are rusty, as GREG is about to pick a blood stained tool up. He spots a set of stairs leading to the basement.
Just small descriptions in animation can provide a lot of information with the world that they’re living in.
