Born 7/11/80, Got an AA in screenwriting, hardwired to visual storytelling, 5'7, dyslexic, autistic, loves telling unconventional stories and creating engaging characters. Also hates mayonnaise with a passion.
Much better than your earlier draft! Its much more concise and clear. I think you can trim back a little bit of the few blocks of scene description in the last few pages(left you a few ideas how to do this in the additional comments section) and there's a few bits of dialogue you can trim slightly. You still have some "is" and "as" that still need to be changed to present tense and I think you can condense the teachers opening line to something shorter since it doesn't quite add to the story. There's a few types of misspellings left behind as well. Russells name is missing an L on page 2, page 5, page 6(3 times here). The only recommendation I have left is to maybe introduce the supernatural elements a little sooner if you can. Something small and seemingly innocuous, maybe when he first finds the photo. While I think Russell needs just a bit of character development, with everything you have happening in this short as well as the ending that might be best left alone.
You have a nice short but it feels a little bit like two stories stapled next to each other and don't quite feel conjoined. Its partially because the first scene goes on for 3 and a half pages. You need to trim that down 1 page. Fortunately all you really have to do is trim down some of the descriptions, I left some additional notes to help with that. So Michael doesn't really have an arc just yet in your short. He's depressed, then he's with friends and then he's fighting the Hunter. I'm not quite sure what his arc is supposed to be just yet, but if you have him start off a pacifist and then have him fight the hunter it might work better. So far your dialogue is a little too on the nose with the worry woods and hunter. I think you should just allude more to something being wrong with the place but not get into detail about what's wrong with it. Mentioning people vanishing, feeling like being watched, things like that work well because it leaves things up to the reader and audiences imagination. So if you trim down your descriptions some your 9 page script will probably end up a little over 6 pages and you'll have more room to play with the camping section of the story. An extra page and a half or so just of the forest section will add some more suspense and mood to what you already have. I don't think you're too far away from having a good solid draft though. Cleaning up the description, playing with the dialogue in a few areas.
Well, its not a bad idea for a short but its not quite there yet, this is a short film and you have too many blocks of description and it disrupts the flow of your story. Scripts are supposed to have a rhythm and flow and you don't quite have that. Mostly you just need to trim back some of your details and re-write the descriptions. What you have is clear, but its just a little bloated. I don't know enough about Jeff or the voice to really comment on them just yet. So what you have here as a story kind of feels like a climax to something larger, like there was a few pages before everything that happened. So if possible consider adding a small scene with Jeff before him playing, something that will build up to him playing the guitar. The middle of the script, the audition works pretty well but its a little too brief. Once you trim down some of the description you'll have some more room to mix in some more character. I'd like to see Jeff react more verbally to some of what happens to him now and then. The voice comes in and takes over at the end but I think you should properly introduce him earlier in an added scene. The climax is good, but you need to have a little more happen at the beginning so it feels earned.
In 1936 rural Texas, a stubborn reporter pursues a mobster for the reward to save her family newspaper but becomes trapped in a mansion with him by the cult he works for.