This was a very well-written script. It is clear from the beginning that the writer has a mastery for painting vivid images on the page and creating characters that are unique and memorable. To me the highlight of this script was the dialogue. The writer has done a terrific job building out each of his characters' bodies of work through their words (including even Ezekiel near the end!). Impressively, the writer avoided the temptation of burdening us with too many parentheticals (a common mistake) and instead let the characters' words shape the story. The script starts out with a well-written exchange between Mrs. Winnaford and Anna that just drips of amazing subtext. This sets up the tension that naturally flows into the next scene. One critique about the first exchange between Gamboni and Alfred is that it's almost too expository (coincidentally the opposite of the opening scene). Perhaps build in a little more subtext and innuendo into this conversation? Just a thought. Another highlight of this script was the tension created by the (eventual) serving of the coffee. The writer did a superb job dangling this in front of the reader, leaving everyone to wonder what is the deal with this coffee. I could feel the tension build every time Anna kept asking her mistress if "it was time to serve the coffee yet?" One thing I was confused about at the end was Ezekiel's comment about digging three graves. Was the third one intended to be for Alfred? Or was it going to be for Ezekiel himself because Anna was going to extinguish him once he was done digging? I really hope it was the latter as it would make for a much better conclusion. if yes, perhaps this would become slightly more obvious to the reader if the final line was something like "Anna retreats inside to prepare some more coffee...". All in all, a very well written script and a good story. Not sure if the writer is intending this to be a series or a one time only television script, but as for this one particular episode it holds the readers imagination very nicely. Good job.
Alternative is an action-packed, imaginative action movie that is equal parts buddy comedy, action thriller, and horror movie. I love the premise, and I think with some tweaks this can be a great script. The description of the fight scenes was superb, the writer clearly has an understanding of writing action. Also, the dialogue was authentic; and I the more I read it I felt like I knew these two characters simply because of the uniqueness and crispness of their dialogue. Characters: The writer did a good job creating different characters that were each unique but equally menacing. The description of each character's features was very vivid and realistic. An area where I was slightly confused was the relationship between Richard and Michelle. I wasn't sure if the writer was trying to paint a story of hidden love or a previous relationship. I think this part of the script needs some additional work to bring to light the writer's intentions. Also, i understand the reason for the flashbacks with Richard, but I feel they are not crucial. Perhaps this backstory can be brought to the forefront with early dialogue between Richard and Josh talking about Richard's past? In closing, this script has an awesome premise that I think is commercially viable, especially in today's Hollywood (especially at only 70 pages!). The pacing was good and the action keeps it moving nicely. And the ending was very fitting. Just work on the relationship between Michelle and Richard and perhaps substitute the flashbacks. Great job!
When a self-indulgent motivational speaker is roped into performing with his estranged daughter in the town musical, he is forced to analyze his past, his morals, and his priorities in order to reinvent himself.