Have a Laugh (First Draft) feature
#Horror #Thriller
By
Cyle
Brooks
The torment was too much for him to handle, and now he's gonna make sure everyone has a jolly good time!
Awards
Approved
Winner Draft #1
Summary
7 Reviews |
16 pages |
4 years ago
|
Draft 1
His parents threw him out and his customers treat him like crap, now Harold, working all alone on a night shift, has thought of the perfect plan to get back at those who wronged him.
R for strong menacing horror violence, terror and disturbing images, and for brief language.
R for strong menacing horror violence, terror and disturbing images, and for brief language.
Industry Reviews
No Industry Reviews
Peer Reviews
This was okay for me. It had a strong opening scene, grabbed my attention right off the bat. But there weren't any surprises or twists in the narrative. It was more of a character study, though the character building with your main character, Harold, needs a little work. I like that it takes place at a fast food chain and shows the little annoyances that occur within the work place -- other asshole employees, being forced to carry a bigger load t...
Top Reviewer
I like to read and critique shorts because there is so much that needs to happen in a short period of time. You need to introduce the characters, build a plot and bring the story to a climax within ten to twenty pages. Your story does that, but in my opinion, doesn't work as is. It's not to say that the concept isn't good; it does have some merit, but it would be so awesome to have a horror/thriller without another clown in it. It's to the po...
It’s always tricky setting up a good slasher film with an iconic villain. Assuming this is just part of a planned feature, you certainly succeed in grabbing the audience’s attention with the gruesome axe-murder-in-the-burger-joint sequence. As you flash back to before our hero snaps, you do a decent job of giving us a sense of how this guy has reached a dead end in his life, and you can see the mounting resentment pile on as little things chip aw...
Top Reviewer
The character development throughout the script is really through and neat. This is better than your previous short, "Mad Talent", as it makes the killer's motivations more stronger. I also like the development of the characters throughout the story, showing how tragic the upbringing of the main character Harold is, with how his dad kicked him out of the house at a young age, despite having no job and would be considered illegal. The shift in ton...
Top Reviewer
I would like to congratulate you on an episode well executed. it had a problem while starting to read the script, but as I progressed the entire picture became quite clear to me. A man struggling to keep himself sane, while he is continuously facing obstacles in his work. I think many twists in the plots add up to the protagonist losing his sanity. While the characters add up to the bloody massacre. The Angie character is the grand-ambassador of...
The beginning kind of grabs you. A mass killing at a diner. It stops just as the ax comes down again on another would-be victim.
Then, everything becomes quite mundane. A loser at a loser job. Bitter. Bitching. Not really trying to be pleasant, though it's not easy with rotten parents, nasty customers and lazy coworkers. But, the reader must ask: Is Harold the main character? Is he destined to become like Jason or Michael Myers? Or F...
Top Reviewer
Within the action of the short script there needs to be consistency with the tenses. Everything that is happening on the page should be in the active tense, right now it is mixed between active and passive which is a little confusing for the reader and distracts from what is happening on the page. Opening with the ending can be less strong of a choice than starting from the beginning of the story if the payoff is not there. In this current draft,...
Top Reviewer
