Perform: Center Stage (First 15) short
#Drama #Horror #Thriller
By
Cyle
Brooks
Hope you liked the first act, because now it's time for the grand finale!
Awards
Approved
Nominee Draft #1
Summary
9 Reviews |
16 pages |
3 years ago
|
Draft 1
After presumably defeating The Understudy, Carrie and her friends can finally continue living their lives in peace. That is until Carrie and Hank both start having and living in nightmares involving The Understudy. Neither of them believes he's still around until they realize that this is the beginning of something much worse.
(SEQUEL TO PERFORM)
Rated R for strong brutal horror violence and disturbing behavior throughout, pervasive language including sexual references/content, and some drug material.
(SEQUEL TO PERFORM)
Rated R for strong brutal horror violence and disturbing behavior throughout, pervasive language including sexual references/content, and some drug material.
Industry Reviews
No Industry Reviews
Peer Reviews
I liked the first 15 pages of your script. Your story has a well-depicted quasi-surreal atmosphere, showing that your imagination is not disturbed. In this script, the structure and manner of writing are acceptable. The dream is the first element to depict a surreal and quasi-surreal world. THE UNDERSTUDY's character will be in Hank's Evil conscience since he's supposed to cause a lot of trouble for Hank's personal life. Dialogues need to be impr...
Really cool riff on split personalities. Structurally sound except for one minor issue that I found: INT. scenes still need a time of day. I noticed several INT. scenes without them. Worth noting moving forward. Adding to this, "SUPER: Dream Sequence" implies that we the audience will see "DREAM SEQUENCE" on the screen. I'm not sure it this was your intent, but again, worth noting.
Regarding the story beats, I couldn't help but wonder if it woul...
Top Reviewer
So first off your dialogue is a bit too on the nose and a little stilted at times. There are a lot of ways to say something without actually saying it, I'd recommend looking into that. The Understudy comes across as moralizing and lecturing to Hank. It should be more twisted, toying with him. Have him be coy.
You got blocks of dialogue that need to be trimmed down too.
Your action description is clear but its not very lively and you're gonn...
Top Reviewer
Just something before I finish reading the script (and I'm sorry) it's really bothering me the way you make therapy seem. If therapy was really like that I might as well go live in the dream world with the understudy.
You've got chops as a writer imo (god I really just told you you've got chops, I feel stupid saying chops). It's almost a problem for me because you've got a lot down, but because of that I'm just stuck looking for, almost, ticky...
The story was interesting, but the technical errors keep pulling me out of the story. First Character's with no description (Late teens tells us zero) are just names on the page and that leaves us with just a radio show, not a moving picture.
That being said, i did think (for the most part) the action lines were good but need a lot of the passive writing and unimportant prose removed. (I give some examples in the additional notes)
Lastly...
Top Reviewer
Good concept and plot. The Overstudy scenes are well written. The therapy session scene needs to be improved. The Overstudy was clearly uncomfortable with Hank going on therapy sessions but I didn't find anything great about the session in the scene. She didn't take any action but just asked him to keep attending the sessions. Shouldn't she be a great impact on the story? Scene of the Overstudy hurting both Carrie and Eleanor can be improved. Bot...
Concept
The idea of a personality disorder that manifests itself as an understudy seems interesting enough, but it isn't explored that deeply, nor from what I can tell, has any relationship to the Hank. Is Hank an actor? Is Hank a playwright? What exactly is the relationship between it and Hank? This needs to be explored more clearly. Also, I hope that there is a more serious antagonist that gets introduced at a later point because the understud...
-Pg. 1. I appreciate how you show empty anti-depressant pills
on the sink counter instead of simply telling us that Hank is
depressed.
-You did a good job showing what a terrible state Hank's life
is in with your scene descriptions.
-Pg. 2. It's good that you immediately highlight the problem
in Hank's life. However, I'm not a fan of the dialogue between
Hank and the Understudy. It sounds very forced and generic.
"You're not real,...
Top Reviewer
